a verbivore's outlet

moving blog location

2008-04-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

I'm heading over to Wordpress to try that out for a while, mostly because they have several new feature that I'm interested in using. Come follow me there! http://cianna.wordpress.com

Following up: Arnel's 1st concert

2008-04-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read my earlier post about Arnel Pineda getting picked up by Journey, I thought you should check out the video of his first concert with the band.

Do zombies' hearts keep beating?

2008-04-05T08:37:00.001-07:00

This has been zombie week in my world. Last Saturday I went out to a Zombie Birthday Pary (Celebrating 34 years of being alive! That's 34 years of being undead!). Then on Wednesday, I learn through Twitter and various podcasts that it's Zombie Preparedness Awareness Day, a day to review your plans and supplies to ensure you're prepared for the inevitable zombie attack. And last night we went to see a zombie movie at the Parkway. It wasn't great, but it was a nice bookend to my week.

All this undead energy around me took over my shower thoughts this morning, centered around the question: Do zombies' hearts keep beating? I would have to guess, "No," based on the fact that zombies, when torn apart, do gush blood. (The fact that humans use the fact that they can detect a heartbeat to declare that someone is still alive was ruled out as additional evidence because humans, when faced with the threat of having their brains eaten, are not known for clear and methodical thinking.) On the other hand, another defining characteristic of zombies is their ashen appearance, which can be expected to result from a lack of blood in surface capillaries, blood which would normally be pumped into that area by a beating heart.

Let's examine this second possibility a little more deeply: If the undead heart were to stop beating, then the blood would no longer be circulating, but would remain in the body until some outlet was created (e.g., the removal of a limb, a gunshot inexplicably aimed at the heart when we all know you kill zombies by shooting them in head). Zombies are not immune to gravity, so it seems to me that the blood would pool in their lower extremities. This may help to explain the dragging walk and the "lifeless" hand (actually just quite heavy now with all that extra liquid). If this is correct, then our cinematic representations of zombies really should more accurately reflect the corporal distortion which can be expected to result from this, namely very fat hands and feet -- almost clown-like, really, in their ballooned out state.

Of course, I am willing to entertain the possibility that the heart simply re-starts (after death) pumping at a super slow rate, thereby continuing to bring blood to the limbs to keep them animated, but not at a rate strong enough to drive the blood into the smallest regions of the vascular system.

None of this helps me understand the phenomena or appearance of fast zombies. They're just simply freaky and the creatures against which we must most strongly fortify ourselves.

New Blog - co-created with Cyan

2008-03-29T00:21:00.001-07:00

If you don't know Cyan, then your world is not yet as bright as it will be once you've met her. I am honored and more than a little psyched that she has decided to start a new site & blog featuring the two of us, the Sexiest Geeks Alive. Andrew Mager joined in and helped design it to kick it off. It's a place for us to celebrate the sexy geeks of the world, and also to blog randomly about our ideas. Come check it out. I'm very very (did I mention VERY?) excited about it.

I wonder and will never know

2008-03-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Three days ago it was my mother's birthday. Or, more precisely, it would have been.

Today when I went out for lunch I overheard a very intense (and supportive) conversation between a mother and her daughter about the daughter's difficulties with her boyfriend. I pictured myself in that conversation with my mother and wondered if I would have had that kind of open talk with her, if I would have sought out her advice.

A few minutes later, I realized with a surprise that I'm only a handful of years away from the real possibility that I could have been the mother in that conversation had I stayed in one particular relationship and had children as my partner desired.

I walked home increasingly thoughtful, bordering on despondent, considering how I have been cut out/have cut myself out of a relationship which so many around me herald as one of the most important in their lives: between mother and daughter. I know it's not everything, and I am not knocking the relationship I have with my Dad, but I hear that it's different and it makes me wonder.

small act, big reaction

2008-03-21T11:14:00.001-07:00

This morning I needed a little jolt to get me started so I stopped by Peet's. Ahead of me in line was a man in his late 50s/early 60s. He had stooped shoulders under his outdoorsy jacket, was slightly balding, and gave an impression of trying not to take up too much space. As we moved closer to the registers, he was peering intently at the pastries, carefully considering his options. I looked into the case and noticed that there were two pieces of banana nut bread left, my morning snack of choice there. The man stepped up and, in a notably quiet voice, ordered one slice of it and tea. I was called to the other register and placed my order (thinking "that's the last slice!") and coffee. Our two cashiers disappeared for a moment, kneeling behind the low case to reach into the bottom shelf. I was handed my order and while waiting for my change I heard the man's register girl apologize to him, saying "I dropped the last piece of banana nut bread. Would you like something else?" The man looked confused and started to look again into the case. I offered my slice back to his cashier saying, "He ordered it first. Take this and I can get something else." My cashier heard me right away, but it took a few moments for the other folks to catch the man's attention so he would turn around. By then another Peet's staff person had joined in and a couple of people in line had also become involved. The guy at my register said my action was "a customer of the year thing to do!" and everyone seemed really surprised.

It was such a small act on my part, but I was struck by the reaction it caused. I confess that I enjoyed breaking up the rhythm of the order/pay/order/pay that is the mark of busy coffee shop efficiency. I also liked making a few people smile. I thought how different it would be if we would all do little kindnesses like this every day. I saw it as an opportunity that I couldn't pass up.

I was joined at the milk bar by the man who asked me shyly, "What did you end up getting?" I told him, "A rasberry scone. They're really good, too." He smiled at me. I returned the smile and said, "Have a great rest of your day!" And I really meant it.

Nerdcore For Life Trailer

2008-03-03T08:29:00.001-08:00

This is a film I'm eager to see! I'm in a real nerd love moment right now!

Breaking Points

2008-01-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know if, as I get older, it's because I have more to compare things to or because I'm simply getting less tolerant, but it seems that I am bumping up against my breaking points more frequently. There are certain behaviors which I find I will not tolerate. I find that I'm able to see them earlier on and catch them before they do real damage. Not all, not all, but more with each passing year. Maybe in the past I was more able to let them roll off my back... Actually I know that the truth is really that, more often than not, I didn't stand up for myself and what I wanted. (There are oh so many reasons for my considering my own needs subservient to others' needs or to the desire to maintain equilibrium but I really don't feel like going into them right now.) Things are changing as I get more confidence and am less willing to waste time. I am no longer so afraid of confrontation -- particularly after I started to realize that the short term pain of tackling issues head-on will be often be far less damaging than the slow drip of resentment eating away at the core of a relationship like the ooze of an acid leak.

People think I'm direct. I know I still have a long way to go before I am actually expressing all that I need to say -- but I will acknowledge that I'm doing better. I will always feel others' feelings and hate it when I'm the source of hurt or resentment. This sometimes causes me to delay saying something that I'm sure another doesn't want to hear -- but I'm learning that in the end I will say what needs to be said. I'm not willing to be less empathic at the same time I'm not willing to just pretend that everything's ok. I don't want to learn to be hard and at the same time I don't want to be a pushover any more. If I can figure this out, I do know that it's the right way to go. But I still have so much to learn...

NORAD TRACKS SANTA 2007

2007-12-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

NORAD TRACKS SANTA 2007

OK. I was amused & intrigued enough to check out the partnership between Google and NORAD (the arm of the government tasked with tracking & then shooting down missiles etc). But I did then immediately start to question why our government is spending money on this. You know, a marketing ploy to lie to children through a seriously extended joke.

Then again, there's that part of me which check out the Santa Tracker and felt bad for all those parts of the world that it looks like Santa missed. He did make it to Madagascar and it looks like he carpet bombed Papua New Guinea, but Algeria and Mongolia were skipped completely. I mean, I know he only has one night, but don't those children deserve a fly-by, too?

Journey-Don't Stop Beliving (ZOO BAND)

2007-12-20T10:48:00.001-08:00

The video of Arnel Pineda that changed his life...

Filipinos' special talent

2007-12-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

Here's a story that I love in so many ways:

Arnel Pineda, a Filipino living in Quezon City, has been picked up to be the new singer for Journey. He was scouted via YouTube, where videos of him fronting his cover band, The Zoo, were posted. Pineda's voice is so like Perry's it's astonishing.

As an extra bonus, I was told about this event by the director of a film I'm producing who's currently living in China and spotted it in a Shanghai blog.

For those of you who have been spared my rhapsodic waxing regarding the special talent of my people, here's a summary: They are the most talented imitators on the planet. Now this is a generalization and it certainly borders on stereotype (or just plain lives in that world comfortably), but I swear it's true. One of the main exports of the Philippines is cover bands. Visual artists within the Philippines know that any original work has a limited lifespan before it is replicated with crazy accuracy and mass-marketed. Filipinos' skill as actors and dancers is also remarkable. As a people, they are incredibly artistic and bizarrely capable of replicating just about any art form.

Now, the downside is that they're not particularly well known for invention or originality. Very few push the boundaries of just about anything. Also, while able to imitate the skill of things, they don't always hook into the thought or emotion which originally generated that art form. There are, of course, exceptions to this. The rate of, say, original composition might be comparable to that rate in the States compared to the general population, but it's notably low compared to the percentage of Filipinos with musical talent.

But this is off the joy which inspired this post in the first place. I love that technology helped to once again collapse historical geographic boundaries. I love that Arnel Pineda, a Filipino imitator of note, has been given the chance to live out his rock star dreams. I love the odd validation of the talent of a good cover band.

The Shanghai blogger chose the right title: Don't Stop Believing.

understanding the source

2007-12-14T22:07:00.001-08:00

The source -- or at least a big part -- of my stress is a sense of being out of control. This week I put some more effort into organizing, getting things under control, and while the number of tasks has not reduced (actually increased), I am not quite as freaked out anymore.

This is a lesson that I learned in scuba which I need to remember at all times. When something goes wrong, stop, breathe, think and THEN act.

needed: discipline

2007-12-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

I am clearly overextended. Things like relaxing, seeing friends and dating feel inefficient and self-indulgent. Tasks like cleaning and shopping are completely knocked off the list. I realize that all of these activities are necessary for my mental well-being, but I don't know how to handle accomplishing the many things I need to do for the work that I have set up for myself. And there's the catch. This is a situation of my own creation, reinforced by the reality that I really enjoy everything I'm doing and that my current activities are what I have been work towards for a long time. I am also impatient and unwilling to postpone undertaking any of these tasks because the opportunities are here now and I want to take them.

And so, I need to institute more discipline into my life. Mornings need to be organized. The whole day must be organized. I know that I can do all of this. It is not an option to say no. I must also somehow work in some delegation, I know, but for right now that's on the list of things I still need to figure out.

clarity feels good

2007-11-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

In the past few days I've initiated 3 difficult, awkward and potentially painful conversations. I felt the need to be direct and honest in order to preserve the relationship that I had with each person, and to give them information they needed to be able to make decisions for themselves.

It's always so hard to bring up difficult subjects. Fear of what they'll think of me or the damage that it might cause to what we have so nearly stops me. It certainly has stopped me in the past. But I learn over and over that it's so much better to be clear and direct -- and that generally my relationship is improved. If not, if they're not someone who I can be open with, then perhaps they're not someone that I want to have personal conversations with at all.

This impulse towards honesty is moderated, however. As I talked about with one person this weekend, honest is different from brutal honesty. Honesty that comes from a place of love, from caring about the other person, is very different from "I'm going to tell you this because I want to talk no matter whether or not you can hear it." I strive to stay away from the selfish version of honesty.

I didn't know how or when to bring these topics up, but knew that they had to be discussed. I gave up trying for the perfect time in favor of not causing undue delay. I was, in each case, afraid. But then I was rewarded with excellent conversations and a deeper closeness afterwards. Today I feel weights removed from my shoulders and smiles coming easily.

I am amazed by how much my life is changed by trying to consciously surround myself with people who want to have this kind of clarity and openness in their lives. I feel very lucky to be in the world that I'm in right now.

Clockwise. Counterclockwise. Destroy.

2007-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

This morning I irreparably damaged one of my nicest pans by turning the burner on to "high" when I was finished instead of "off." I was alerted by the pungent smell of plastic -- which I initially dismissed, attributing it to the ever-present construction next door. I finally realized what was happening and dashed into the kitchen to see the sad sight of the handle forlornly slumped over, bleeding out its toxic innards onto the once-clear glass cover.

Yesterday afternoon I was telling co-workers that my brain has become too fragmented. I recalled H's insightful comment that my life was understaffed. It is becoming clearer that my being a solo act in all things is not optimal.

believing in love

2007-10-13T08:18:00.001-07:00

When completing a profile for Facebook, one section says "Religious views:" I appreciate that they left it open ended -- not a drop-down menu -- so you can fill it in any way that you want. I automatically left it blank and just skipped ahead.

For some reason in the last few days I've been thinking about it. Really the only thing that I can say is that I believe in love. "Religious views: I believe in love." I resisted putting that in because it sounds so hokey and romantic. It sounds girly. It sounds silly, insipid, naive.

Well...OK. Truly I don't know how it sounds. That's just what I think it might sound like. And that projected perception is in conflict with my (self-)image of being sharp, intellectual, a little tough, strong. This is an image which arises naturally out of both my self-reliance and my intellect. I am associated with dry wit, complicated texts, aggressive sports, high risk. Then again, that's a self-image which I think is incomplete, which I think helps to cut me off from others a little, which leads to isolation.

The truth is that I am all that and am still soft and sparkly inside. I hold on dearly to memories of romantic things I've done for others or which have been done for me -- and that I find it confusing that I frequently date people who are not romantic, or are not romantic in the quirky artistic way that I really adore. I dream of things like returning from a hard day climbing a multipitch route to find the path home lined with jars of fireflies and an invitation to release them back into the night together. And I am not ashamed that people might think that I might like that.

And the other truth is that the love I believe in is not romantic love. When it comes to a religious belief, I mean that I believe that if we all focused on love, if we all just thought about how to best express love for each other, then the world would be a happier place. I believe in community, connections, a foundation based on "we" not "I." If we could think about loving without owning, a love that doesn't have the counterbalance of hate or fear or jealousy, a love that was just giving and trusting, then I believe that all good things would follow out of that. It's not easy to do. You have to believe that there's enough love to go around. And I do believe in that.

remarkable

2007-10-10T22:32:00.001-07:00

Remarkable is a word which I really should use more often. There are times when I say "awesome" or "incredible" when really all I mean is that the item is worthy of noting, that it deserves a remark, not that it really is particularly great or terrible or truly deserving of anything approaching a superlative. It is, quite simply, remarkable.

I was reminded of this word by a friend just a few nights ago and I have not forgotten it. I was struck both by the pure appropriateness of that word choice, as well as by the familiar feeling that I know so many more appropriate and specific words than I utilize. I believe it is time to reinvigorate my verbalized vocabulary.

The danger of overwhelm

2007-10-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

The pressure now is to get moving on several fronts. I know I can, I know I've done it before... but the problem is overcoming friction to get into motion. This is always a dangerous period for me. Once everything's going it's easier. Always.

I find this is also where it's hard for me to be so much on my own. Working independently. Living alone. Single. It's harder to act on the plans.

I like partnerships. Yes, they are hard for me but I still like them.

everyone has their own experience

2007-09-04T12:01:00.001-07:00

For years people who go to Burning Man have been encouraging me to go. Usually they're simply surprised that I have never been. Many have told me about the kinds of personal revelations that they experience there. They describe the community, the art, the way that their entire world view is altered through the experience. They talk about the freedom, the sex, the physicalness of it all. People think I'm already a burner because the way that I see the world and the way I live my life basically fits into their new world view.

I'll let you in on a little arrogance I have: When I would hear from some really (or formerly) straight-laced person about how BM changed their views, I would think that was really great for them, but that I didn't need BM to do that for me. I am able to challenge myself right here in the city. And some of what they're talking about is simply what I have always believed and what has always set me a little apart. I retained a frustration that the kind of community and freedom which was celebrated at Burning Man stayed on the Playa or stayed somehow locked within communities and still hasn't managed to seep into the general world. And so I couldn't really see why I "needed" to go.

And now I'll let you know about a little problem I have: In preparing to go to BM this year (although not only then) I had a hard time knowing that I was going to do something and spend money on something which was entirely just for fun. It felt self-indulgent, selfish. And therefore unnecessary. I have a tendency to feel guilty and wrong whenever I do something which is unproductive, which is just for me. Something which does not benefit others, improve my body/mind or which is simply hedonistic & solo. (The "solo" is a big thing here -- if I am with others then that alone makes anything ok).

And so I left for Burning Man with a resolve to avoid taking on responsibility, to immerse myself in an environment in which everyone is supported in saying exactly what he/she wants to do and then doing it, to give in to my impulses. And I expected no revelations or transformation. It was a challenge. I wanted to see what it was like to spend a few days just listening to me.

The release for me came in the form of a sandstorm. I had been there for less than 24 hours. I went with my group out on our art car, an exposed trailer decorated a la rainforest with a DJ set-up. We were out on the Playa when the wind gathered speed and whipped up the dust bringing a total white-out which lasted for hours. And I did exactly what I wanted to do: I danced. We had a dance party in the middle of a storm and I spun and stomped and reveled in the rawness of it all. I was covered in dust, running in the sun, sweating, and grinning wildly under my dust mask and goggles.

That night I danced exuberantly in the open air and rode my bike all over the playa. I lay down in the dirt, stared at the stars, exulted in the hugeness of it all.

On the second day, when we were hit by another intense white-out, I was left alone in the camp and I went walking. I searched for the right place to be. I passed people holed up in their shelters, taking refuge in Center Camp, covering themselves up. It started to rain. I walked in the middle of the street. I joined a group dancing outside on the Esplanade. When the wind died down a double rainbow stretched across the playa from the Man to the mountains and then became clearer and sharper until we could see the elusive violet and it looked like a triple rainbow. I danced away from the group and towards the rainbows.

And so it continued. I had no revelations of community. I loved the art and wanted everyone there to find a way to bring that creativity into their everyday worlds without fear. I talked with a guy during a dust storm who was wearing a cute black skirt and no top who confessed he had arrived wearing a polo shirt and cargo shorts. I told him he looked really cute and fantastic. I hope that his wardrobe in the outside world will at least contain more colors now. But the overwhelming feeling for me was one of comfort and familiarity. I understand why they say "Welcome Home."

But more than anything I remembered. I remembered that I have always loved being physically connected to the earth. I remembered the joy that I have when I go spelunking and end up covered in mud. I remembered why I am always taking off my shoes, particularly when I eat. I remembered why I strip the moment I get home. I remembered the feeling of sun on salt covered skin and falling asleep in the open air without even a tent wall to separate me from the breeze. I remembered why I am always opening windows and turning off air conditioning. I remembered stories about my dragging a bucket outside and standing in it to take a shower in the rain when I was very young. I remembered spending hours and hours as a child holding on to trees and staying very still so I could feel the vibrations between myself and the forest. I remembered why it is that my body is powerful.

And I realized that the dangerous part of me that I have been afraid of is not that I am sexual. I have felt the pressure to control that which is animal. And what I take away from the week is that there is no reason for me to be tamed.

coconut water better than gatorade!

2007-08-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Of course with BM coming up, I'm all into learning more about re-hydration. Turns out that whenever you're feeling your electrolyte count dropping, you should reach for a young coconut water instead of a Gatorade or Powerade or whatever other neon colored drink you normally crave. It's not likely to cause stomach upset and is just as effective. And all natural! (This info verified in a research article reported by National Institutes of Health)

hovering

2007-08-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

I feel somehow like I am hovering just off the ground, that there's a thin layer of air between my body and everything around me. In my work, I am between things, great things are about to start but have not yet started. Past projects are nearly done but have not quite let me go. Socially I am reconnecting with people, but am stuck permanently in the present participle, not connecting long enough or regularly enough simply to be connected. In dancing, in climbing, I am repeatedly starting again after a break -- the length of the breaks are shortening, but it's so different from how I once was there's no way for me to think that I'm back.

And then there's dating. There is where I understand that air has mass, that there is a distinct cushion of vibrating molecules bouncing around between myself and others. I want someday to reach through that space to actually touch another, to merge boundaries, to feel the exchange of electrons, to trust that. But to do that, I think -- somewhere -- I have to land.

Karaoke Time: Baby Got Book

2007-08-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

Audrey sent this video to me. She found it on GodTube. I'm inclined to think it's brilliant. It's also hilarious. And disturbing. I don't know if it's effective. But now I have heard of the Momentum Church... Where the heck is my KJV?

shiny green, sparkly orange

2007-08-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

Unsurprisingly, I have decided to take on a crazy task with little to no time to finish it. Having nearly completed the basic level of prep that I need to do to get to Burning Man, I have succumbed to my inner drag queen and am busily attempting to make costumes. Yes, I am just getting started now. But seriously, how could I fight the vision of shiny chartreuse pants as a base with various sparkly orange pieces to layer on top? Once that sort of thing gets in your head you just have to manifest it in the real world. This is just to augment the pink & white glitter top & mini ensemble that I had lying around. My bike has been a happy sparkly pink & yellow for a while & sometimes a girl just has to live up to her wheels. It's just too bad that the little disco ball ornaments I used to have on it flew off once when I hit a speed bump...

lesson: stay open

2007-08-22T10:57:00.001-07:00

Again and again I re-learn that I simply need to keep myself open. My world is magical and it always has been. As a child I used to practice having my "neutral" face be one that was approachable. I have always known that this is the better way to be.

This morning I was looking for sources for meditation. I am trying to bring that into my life, wanting to do it more formally than my current attempts. After poking around online for a while I took a break and went outside. I was on my sidewalk, checking my sun shade for holes. A woman rode by on her bike. She called out, "Are you going to Burning Man?" I said, "Yes! It's my first time!" She grinned and waved happily. "Bring lots of water!" Then a moment later, "Bring lots of color!" I smiled and waved back. She continued on her way down the street.

My sunshade was up and it looked perfect. Pretty excellent for a chance used purchase.

The woman returned. She came back to tell me about a meditation area that she'll be supporting at BM, inviting me to join them. Her name is Radiant Jewel.

There have been many times that a stranger arrived to invite me to an event or to just share a thought. If I stay open, if I know and say what I need, I am open to magic.

my doc subject is getting into the news

2007-08-21T11:04:00.001-07:00

Working up a doc about this company, Zivity. I love their approach and am very excited to see how it plays out!

read more | digg story

Femi Kuti show

2007-07-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see Femi Kuti... The show was amazing! The music was incredible. Layers and layers of sound. We were also blown away by how much energy they put out constantly during their 2+ hours onstage. The dancers stopped moving only to towel off. Femi really is a charismatic and incredible performer.

If you don't know the band, you should check them out.

Winner again!

2007-07-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

INaction won "Best Use of Prop" and "Best Cinematography"!!!! Aaron -- the screenwriter -- can take credit for the first, and for creating a scene I never even would have imagined! Jeremy -- the cinematographer -- is hugely deserving of his award & more!

If you still haven't seen my film, you can check it out online:
On YouTube
On Dovetail
The full HD version is downloadable through Dovetail (but works best on a Windows machine or an Intel Mac)

The 48 Hour Film Project: San Francisco

2007-07-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Our film won the Audience Choice Award for our group! Whoo hoo! So we will be screening on July 18th at the Award Winners show. Come on out! Details at: The 48 Hour Film Project: San Francisco

47:59 Hour Film Project delivered

2007-06-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

We finished! I am amazed. With 13 minutes left before the deadline, the disk finally finished burning. Jeremy -- who is from LA -- drove my '92 Tercel like a stock car racer while Danielle called out directions from the back seat and I sat in the front with a laptop checking the disk. We hit endless red lights and got stuck behind proverbial Sunday drivers. We became more determined, Jeremy pushed it harder, and we whooped and screamed. One block away, my watch flipped over to 7:30. As we approached the corner, Danielle repeated "It's still 7:30. It is still 7:30!" over and over. Jeremy turned the corner and slowed down. I couldn't wait. I unhooked my seatbelt and jumped out of the moving car, waving the disk in the air as I raced toward the door where the competition producer, JD, stood with a watch and a clipboard. I raised my watch hand and called out "IT IS STILL 7:30!!!" JD smiled and pointed to his wrist as I threw myself across the threshold, saying "It's 7:29 on my watch..."

We made it, with only one minute to spare. Oh sure, as hyper competitors, we had already submitted our film at 6:15, but that version did not have our completed sound design. We did not want to settle for low production values. This was the real film, the one that had to get in. Now it's up to the judges.

In 63 hours, I had taken two 1/2 hour naps. We had written and tossed out 3 scripts, finally settling on the concept late on Saturday morning. We left for filming at 1 p.m. with a couple of pages in hand while the screenwriter shut himself up in the bedroom cranking away to complete the script before he left for his job waiting tables at 4 p.m. We shot until 6 a.m., running the footage back to the editor starting at 6 p.m. In the course of filming we had run out of battery, used up the gas in the generator, went hungry when a homeless man made off with the crew's pizza, and stood freezing in the bathroom-free alley that was our location while people searched for the key for the car which was our main set so we could move it to light the next sequence. Our HD footage proved difficult to transfer to disk for delivery and repeatedly came out squeezed or unplayable. We had trouble contacting our composer in the final hours. I almost fell off my chair mid-sentence talking with the editor. The file transfers to our sound editor pushed deadlines beyond imagining, making us only more desperate.

I guess it was a real 48HFP experience.

I still want to do it again.

output time

2007-06-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

I have time to write now because we're in output mode. This is always the scary -- scarily time consuming -- part. So first we argue about all the best ways to deal with it, then we experiment, and we are zombies watching the blue thermometer of progress as it crawls across the screen. It's a relative victory when the progress crawls a little faster.

We managed to do a good film! I confess I'm kind of surprised. This process has been a continual struggle, filled with emotion, technical issues and delays.

I hope I hope we get it all done in time.

T-3:18

2007-06-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

countdown time. must finish in order to start rendering. We're close. It's pretty scary.

26 hours in

2007-06-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

Filming today so far has gone well. My team really pulled together after a serious script struggle and we had a lot of fun filming. Now it's quiet for a bit while we pull in footage and wait for one of the leads to get out of the play he's in. Next round of shooting starts at 11 p.m. OK. Back to work.

13 hours in

2007-06-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

It's after 8 in the morning and I've been up for 28 hours. We're struggling with the script. This hurts.

Countdown to 48 Hours

2007-06-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight the 48 Hour Film Project starts again. Several people are curious about this process so I'm going to try to post periodically as the film comes together. For those who don't know what the 48hfp is: it's a competition in which we get an assignment Friday night (tonight) at 7 pm and must turn in a completed 4-6 minute film on Sunday night at 7. I'm directing.

Last night I intended to sleep quite a bit and even went to bed early (11 pm). I managed to fall asleep fairly quickly but then woke up at 4 a.m.! I guess I'm pretty excited. I spent a long time trying to fall back asleep, but it was hopeless.

It's odd to be up so early. I did a bunch of things and then felt behind on my day but it was not even 8 yet. I guess I am getting ready for the 48. I'm already out of sync.

One of my favorite documentaries

2007-01-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

I saw "The Ocularist," a short film film about a man who makes prosthetic eyes at the 2003 Sundance Festival and I have been thinking about it ever since. I mentioned it at the Doculink meeting recently and finally decided to see if I could find it. I'm so happy you can see the Ocularist at Atom Films!

I have a very good life

2007-01-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

This is what I've been thinking about lately: I have a very good life. No matter what has come my way, I have always found a way through it -- and I have never had to do that alone. I have wonderful friends. I have a good family (even when we're strained it's mostly because they're either concerned about me or worried for themselves). I have always been able to do work that is creative and fulfilling. I get to laugh a lot.

If anything, I am so self-protective that I don't let in as much goodness as is possible and available to me. I need to be less guarded.

I want to thank everyone for filling my life with good things and with love. Have a wonderful 2007. I will!

why I'm getting a low grade

2006-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

During a rambling late-night conversation with a friend on the phone, I tried to explain what I'd realized recently about my approach to dating -- a realization/revelation:

What if all this time I thought I had been handed a logic problem but actually it's a creative writing exercise?

If there's one thing I know about writing, it's that when I begin a new piece I don't know where it will end up. I also have no way of predicting when something will inspire me or even what will be any good. I may write something which really works at that moment but is utterly irrelevant to my place in life at another time. Over time, my work improves but it's not a linear path.

However, good writing comes through practice and I'm most creative when I just try to write all the time without worrying in advance about whether or not it will be any good. I do learn what doesn't work, but I can't predict what will work. And I know also that what works for one reader doesn't work for all.

It is a creative writing exercise. No wonder I've been getting low marks on my logic problem...

shedding the past

2006-08-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Actually, I suppose "shedding" might sound a little too active... I need some kind of passive verb. My past has been shed... I'm having a digital amnesia... My computer is shedding my past... OK. All that is just a flowery way to say that my external hard drive crashed, taking with it all digital photos and music, along with a significant portion of my writing. I wish I had been consistent with backups, but as it is my digital memory is full of holes. My iPod has also decided to leave this world, its death suspiciously coinciding with that of the source of its music...

Ah well. I knew this year was going to be all about getting a fresh start. This is just getting a little extreme, I think.

overwhelming, must join the fray

2006-08-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, my dear readers. I know it's been a long time. Several draft blogs sit unposted and will be uploaded... I am in a constant state of overwhelm. And so I dance. And invent new creative projects for myself. More soon.

anarchy inside

2006-05-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was told: "You have an anarchy inside you." It was meant somewhere between fact and compliment, the voice of one attracted to that quality but who finds it uncommon. I was very pleased and repeated it to myself. Now I repeat it to you. I was told this in the context of talking about how we live our lives and the kind of art we like to do. I become both wistful and inspired remembering when I felt completely immersed in doing something creative. I feel that I may again have this feeling and perhaps not in the too distant future. And that thought makes me giddy and impatient, while experience tells me that I can't force it and my time now is best spent assembling all the tools I will need when the time comes. I feel both inside and outside myself, uncertain and confident. I wonder what will happen next?

Wow. Big lens.

2006-05-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. Big lens
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Last night I was out being the camera person for our doc for the first time. I need the practice! It was very fun and nervous-making and ultimately my footage was almost completely unusable, but hey -- I have to start somewhere!

can opener

2006-05-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be bitter anymore. I don't want to think about it. But I just wanted to make some food and realized I don't have a frikkin can opener.

#*$%#(!!!

There are many many good things in my world right now. Time to think about those.

Getting sleepy

2006-04-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm posting from the office... no change to the time stamp... Getting tired. Still very happy about the job, but admittedly getting tired.

new twin nephews

2006-04-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

my new twin nephews
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Diego and Maximillian were born Saturday! They're both healthy & I hear my sister-in-law is recovering well. More fun tita times ahead!

What am I putting out there?

2006-04-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Two incidents from the last 2 weeks:

1) On my way into Cafe Trieste to grab an Africano before jumping into another 16-hour editing day, I walked past two young black men waiting at the bus stop. They were both wearing full hip-hop garb replete with bling. One of them smiled at me and complimented me on my nose ring. He said a couple things that made me laugh. He then went on to cruise me, following me into the cafe & waiting in line behind me, chatting me up. I wasn't smitten, but it didn't feel rude. After a while, he asked for my number and I told him that I just wasn't in that space. He said, "Oh, ok." Then he paused a moment and asked, "Hey, do you have a dollar for the bus?"

2) I was walking in Berkeley when a minivan pulled over a little way ahead of me. As I passed by, the guy driving rolled down the passenger window and called out. I figured he was looking for directions, so I looked in and greeted him. He said, "I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for a girlfriend and thought you could have dinner with me?"

I mean, yes, I'm starting to feel like it might be ok to date again sometime in my future, but I don't think I'm sending out the right vibe...

Neither hair nor there

2006-03-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

oh it's been so long that my cookies have expired! So much has happened which is interesting and significant or at least amusing, but that will take longer to write and I want to be sure that I don't squelch my moment of remembering to post by getting lost in silly things like "wording" or "style"

So, I will venture down a familiar well-trodden path simply because it's inexplicably come up recently in several of my friend circles -- even without being initiated by me. So I figure it's something in the air. Or hair. Really, that's the issue. Why is it that hair salons seem to feel compelled to have a cutesy name? Down the street from me here is "Sahaira." Ms. O has her ire raised by anything which includes "Shear"... Shear Madness, for example. I do have a soft spot for "Curl Up & Dye". It makes me giggle.

What are your favorites? Any particular gems? Let's start a collection.

It's 2006

2006-01-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and I believe that blogging protocols require that we bloggers pay some attention to this fact. There are several standard formats for this: 1) A retrospective of the previous year, 2) Resolutions for the new year, 3) Top ten lists of events or the like from the previous year reflecting rage, stupidity, hilarity, or fabulousness, 4) Predictions for the new year, 5) General summary of the way too cool and rockin' party which culminated in a really hot kiss on the stroke of midnight, or 6) Whining about feelings of loneliness and the lack of a really hot midnight kiss with expressions of regret or self-loathing.

In reviewing this list, I consider what I'm thinking about at this moment and find that I'm not fitting any form particularly well. I am thinking primarily about plans, which I suppose are not far from resolutions, but somehow feel not quite the same. I'm not interested in setting myself up for self-flagellation or feelings of failure if I don't achieve my plans. I'm looking to create a map, something on which I can always find my way again if I get distracted and start wandering (I prefer that terminology over "lost"). Wandering is a way of life for me and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Enough pre-amble. Now for content:

I am thinking that this will be a year in which I'll try to re-connect and strengthen my bond with friends, in which I will consciously try to do things that make me happy and grounded, and in which I will spend more time thinking about just how lucky I am. I spent much of 2005 feeling isolated and dwelt on things that were gone, which (if you kept up with what was happening in my world) was not an unreasonable reaction, but not one which was fun or particularly good for me. So if you're a friend of mine, feel free to hold me to writing and calling more often and to going out dancing, climbing, chatting, biking, cooking, hiking or whatever else it is that you think you and I might enjoy doing together. (I wouldn't turn down a hot kiss either). Together is a key word for me this year. You might also experience more "thank you's" from me for random things, and know that I'm thinking about that more often.

As for feeling lucky, I always do, even when I'm down. I'm a lucky girl. I'm just going to do that more consciously now.

What brought this on? Well it's not some new-age realization as much as exhaustion. Most of the time I'm a pretty happy gal and for over 5 months now I've just been not me. I'm tired and I need to turn it around. You all know that I'm an action gal so now you also know I have some kind of plan.

When was the last time you took stock of the good things in your life? What would happen if every time you complained about something or felt treated unfairly that you tried to spend an equal amount of time thinking about something good? It really could be anything as far as I'm concerned. I was happy this morning for getting a yummy breakfast and then having time to take a nice long hot shower. How about you?

Verbal Tightrope

2005-12-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

I'm housesitting and there's a crew here doing some renovations on the house. The main guy is probably somewhere in his 40s and today he has two young men helping him (all are white). I'm currently sitting in a part of the house where I can hear most of their conversations, but I'm working on transcriptions, so I'm not getting everything. Somehow, the execution of Tookie Williams came up. One of the young men, sounding sure that he's among friends, says that "killing him was fucked up." The older man strongly disagrees, "Bro, he killed 4 kids, bro!" (I appreciated the bookending on that statement, a technique he would continue to use to emphasize his points). One of the young men has stopped talking, so now it's down to two. They argue the case, the young man citing Tookie's self-professed innocence and various news reports, the foreman making plain statements of fact that Tookie took contracts out on people and various other things I couldn't catch. At some point, I gathered, the older man pulled a form of knowledge rank mentioning a fact based on his own experiences in jail. This left the assistant with no reply. The conversation lull was short, though, and in the next part I heard the older man was saying something (in truth, several somethings) negative about black women. All black women. At this, the young man seemed to be caught between feeling the urge to challenge the racism and needing to come off as a cool construction guy -- and he was challenging his boss. He decided to take the sex option and asked, "Are you serious that you've never thought any black woman was just smokin' hot?" This failed. I'm not sure what happened next, but at some point the foreman asked, "Bro, how can you sit there and tell me I'm a white supremacist? Bro!" I was sad to have missed the lead in to that. The next defense was odd. I pictured the older man shaking his head as he said, "Bro. You've known me for years and for 20 years I've lived in LA the whole time." I'm not sure how that proves that you're not a racist, but I guess that was the final word because afterwards he declared he was going out to smoke a cigarette.

The two young men were then left alone. I heard the gritty sounds of grout applied between spanish tiles. The argumentative young man said, "I don't know. I just don't see how you can say that shit." The second young man offers a sidestep: "You know P. He just is what he is. That's just it." Then my favorite line of the night, the one that catalyzed this post, a plaintive cry from someone who feels strongly that racism is bad, that it should be challenged, but is also unwilling to appear unmanly or to ostracize himself from the group, the verbal tightrope walking of the liberal on a (newly discovered to be) conservative blue-collar job... the young man says, "Thing is, as soon as I figured out I like pussy, I didn't care what color skin it was wrapped in."

And that really was the final word.

An abundance of hugs

2005-11-27T10:24:00.000-08:00

This morning I cuddled with my friends' 2 1/2-year-old daughter. She sat on my lap and we read together. Then I picked up her giggling squirming body sideways and did a few bicep curls punctuated by belly kisses. After, I found myself thinking that it was too bad that belly kisses and giggling generally disappeared from an adult world -- only re-introduced when children make an appearance. I missed them. This whole "sexual attraction" thing really messed up a basic joy, something that we should all share.

This must be another reason I'm happy to be back in the Bay Area. My friends here hug. And we hold each other while dancing. But I think even more, it's the hugs. Last night, in a jazz bar, a large group of us hung out together, and joking/hand holding/casual touching/sitting close is just part of that scene. And I know that I've felt better ever since my return.

Science has made it official: people need to be touched. Hugs can make stress less damaging and are especially beneficial for women. A recent study looked at the long-term impact of a childhood without hugs (and other "loving parenting"). Raised in their first years without love, those kids did not develop essential hormones.

Do you have an abundance of hugs? If you have some to spare, spread them around.

face at rest

2005-11-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I noticed that some people looked angry or sad when their faces were at rest. That is, when they weren't thinking about anything in particular -- or at least they didn't look like they were thinking about anything. I noticed this when people were walking down the street. Some people looked like upbeat, but more seemed to be frowning than anything. Still others looked vaguely sad... I felt sorry for them.

I decided that I wanted my face to look friendly and, if possible, to look like I was happy as my normal state. I wanted my natural resting face to be a smile. I thought that would make me more approachable. Part of me wished that most people could have happy resting faces. I don't think I thought I could start a trend or anything, but I knew I wanted to be part of that happy crowd. So I practiced. Whenever I realized I hadn't been thinking about anything in particular, I tried to freeze my face in the expression it had and check if it was frowning or if my lips were tight or anything like that. I consciously relaxed the muscles in my face until I thought I looked unbothered and perhaps even contented. I find I still search through my facial muscles to be sure that they're not tensed up and relax them. I've done this several times while typing this out tonight.

I don't know if it worked or not, but I am frequently the one asked for directions or approached in groups. Maybe it's my unconsciously welcoming and relaxed expression. Maybe more people should have that. Are you frowning now? Have you frowned today? Stop!

The MicroKillers are here!

2005-11-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

In case you all have been feeling too calm lately and needed to get nervous about something, I thought you'd like to watch a couple of shows about pandemics. National Geographic is going to air the first two of the MicroKillers series I worked on -- "Ebola" and "Super Flu" -- on November 13 (9pm & 10pm) and 19 (2pm & 3pm). (You'll have to have National Geographic Channel to see them.) That second episode will answer many of the questions I've heard tossed around in the news lately about this whole avian flu & mutation thing. After you watch it, you might be temped to challenge me with: "Are those numbers real?" and "Could that really happen?" I would answer: Absolutely. I was particularly manic on the flu episode to get the epidemiology & mathematics right.

As an added bonus, you might catch my name flying by in the credits after words like "Assistant Director," "Writer," and "Researcher."

Nov 13 schedule
Nov 19 schedule

checking myself in the central valley

2005-11-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

The drive from LA to San Francisco crosses through some of the most foreign territory I have ever seen. I can more easily imagine myself living in a rainforest or a desert -- and I don't think it's (just) romanticism or ignorance. I've been to those places. Perhaps it is ignorance of the central valley. I simply can't imagine what I would do there. It is also an environment in which I expect the natives to be utterly, unmovably hostile to one of my kind. In my mind they believe things I can never support, they remain dogmatically closed-minded in the face of information. They will judge me. Perhaps because I enter their world with a bias written across my face, glinting off the nose ring. I judge them without knowing them. I remember the times I have tried to reach out and have had bibles thrown at my head -- (true story) -- and I take these episodes and extrapolate them unfairly across landscapes barely populated by people I've never met. In those times I always managed to find some way to communicate, have actually managed to find commonalities, but I came away exhausted, drained.

I do not want to be doing that much work as I head north to restart my life. At some point, even in a gas-sipping Tercel, it is necessary to exit my iPod-filled environment and venture out into a tiny slice of this world. A gas-station perched on the edge of it. A business catering to those of us who just pass through. A place where the workers really only talk to each other because they never expect to see any of us again. A world low on "regulars." ... or at least that's what I think. My liberal, mediating, diplomatic, one-world-lovin' self is wrapped tight in her stereotypes, pumping gas in the heat of the Central Valley. An enormous truck with tires half the size of my car pulls in, towing an aluminum motorboat. Looks like fishin' time. An older man materializes from the driver's side, dressed in camouflage with sunglasses and a hat pulled fairly low. The contrast between our vehicles is comical, but we're hooked in to the same pump, opposite sides. We both start for the handle of the windshield washer at the same time. I step back with a gesture saying "go ahead" and he startles me completely with a warm smile and a soft voice. He says, "No. No. You go ahead." And he means it. No taunting. Nothing but a big beaming smile and a gentlemanly moment. And I think I really have to check myself because that was totally unexpected. I have moved so far away from expecting goodness in this place that I was caught off guard. It is sad to be startled by a smile.

I finish and pass the squeegee on to him. I smile. He gives me another smile and a thanks. I am done, and I pull away, knowing he would still be there pumping gas into that tank for a while. Perhaps he thought about that, too, knowing he could wait. Or perhaps he's just a nice guy with a good smile and a sweet voice who was there to make me think a little.

idiot synchronous crazy

2005-10-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

Bert's tagged me for my idiosyncrasies. This is a conversation that started after I was talking about a couple I know who revel in each others little quirks. It's interesting to think about the quirks you have that you don't really notice (because they're yours). Probably I wouldn't come up with the same list as anyone who dated me or lived with me. But, I was tagged, so here are the ones I can identify:

My aversion to mayonnaise is just not normal. Especially considering that I'll eat just about anything else.
Similar to Bert about keys... I usually hold my keys in my hand when closing the door to my house or car (even if I checked it a couple times on the way down the stairs) or at least I'll touch them or pat them as I close the door.
When it rains, I crave ice cream.
I'm afraid of jumping. Even if I'm only standing on a log and need to jump off it. Like a foot high or so. I'll do it, but my heart will pound. Climbing a 300 ft. wall is not a problem. Just the jumping.
There are certain things that I feel can only be written down on paper with a pen. I've tried to switch to a computer, but it just keeps me from thinking.
I prefer to eat food either with my fingers or with a spoon out of a bowl. I'll use a fork or chopsticks, but it's sometimes not as satisfying.
Sometimes I just dance around by myself.
I don't like to write with blue ink.
I wash my hands a lot, particularly when I'm cooking. But it's not a germ thing. I just don't like the feeling of having gook on my hands.
If I like a restaurant, I try to taste everything on the menu (unless something has mayonnaise... heh). I also tend to order combo plates.
I like to practice eating and writing with my left hand. I've experimented with writing with my foot. I practice finding my way around with my eyes closed. Apparently I'm preparing for some major physical injury...
When I'm by myself and thinking through things, sometimes I emphasize a decision or a realization by saying the last part out loud. Usually twice. (Not sure I should admit this)

I tag Koji for his idiosyncrasies. I know he's got 'em.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid"

2005-10-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Today: Sentences you don't hear/say everyday... but I do.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid."
"She was just calling to verify my mathematical model."
"Try seven days. There should be thousands dead at that point."
"Thing is, I have to figure out this terrorist plan by Monday."
"The poor macrophage is just implicated in all our scenarios."
"So how many people could you infect on the Tube?"
"I know. It's just walking that line between really scaring people and making sure it's actually accurate."

Really. I'm a nice person who is a pacifist. But I work in documentaries and these conversations are my life.

godwottery

2005-10-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

From: A Word A Day
godwottery (god-WOT-uhr-ee) noun
1. Gardening marked by an affected and elaborate style.
2. Affected use of archaic language.
[From the line "A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot!" in a poem by Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897).]

I confess that I may sometimes be accused of godwottery... I happen to love archaic language. I revel in the specificity of certain words and in outdated (or no-longer-applicable) connotations. I very much enjoy learning words which were created for a specific purpose, to connotate a state or a thing that might otherwise have been overlooked or forgotten -- particularly, of course, if it also could suggest a particular feeling or moment in time. (More on the word "cenotaph" later...)

Sometimes the language that I love and use is not actually archaic, simply falling out of favor or fashion. I feel that I have a certain responsibility both to use the extensive vocabulary I inherited (and, admittedly, cultivated) and am also sad to watch words fall into some forgotten abyss. We have a living language, and part of life is death, but I grow so attached to some words...and even more attached to concepts which reflect a certain time or place.

English is fascinating for its breadth and flexibility. I enjoy the random and unexpected results when things grow wild. This is not to say there's anything wrong with a godwottery garden, just think of it when you next see an abundance of topiary and gnomes.

Choosing the Bay Area

2005-10-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

...yeah... this is a pretty great place. I should be here.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

2005-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

I know that I'm generally considered to be a good person to call for advice, someone who can help sort out issues, someone who has the occasional insight. I am, however, unable to call myself or to have insights about my own situation. OK, I know that's overstating it, but what logical insights I do have are fighting with the unreasonable desire to figure out that one thing that makes everything make sense so I can stop having this thought treadmill constantly running in my brain. It's just not that simple. And the world would be boring if it were.

I feel a bit as if I've just graduated from some kind of relationship school and am engrossed in classic post-college activities such as trying to (re)define myself, asking what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and crashing on people's couches/beds. Strange to do this so late in life, but my life is in constant renewal so who's to say what's late?

In the meanwhile, I am supremely grateful to my many wise and giving friends (including relatives who are also friends) who are willing to help me and who provide additional insights/reinforcements/reassurances. Some of the key ones that I need to keep in mind:

You don't need to figure out the rest of your life, you only need to figure out the next 6 months or a year.
Good point. Since when has anyone been able to truly predict what was going to happen for the rest of their lives? Since when have I even wanted to?

Wherever you decide to live it's not going backwards.
I have an unhealthy obsession with never feeling like I'm going backwards. Perhaps the unhealthy part is that I merge it with the feeling of staying still. This at the same time that I'd like to be a little bit more stable and coming off some serious nesting feelings is crazy-making. Location is important, but I decide what to make of that location.

If you've lived in many places and then recognize that one place was a great place, then returning there is a good thing.
Duh. Why is this so hard for me to keep in mind?

It's ok to take a little time for myself.
Yup. This is probably the hardest one for me to relax into... and the most important. Truth is, it's important no matter what's going on and that's probably the biggest lesson right now.

universal answer: the military can do that!

2005-10-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

I'm disturbed by our dear President's desire to mobilize the military in case of an outbreak of the bird flu in the U.S. Beyond the fact that it does feel like he's asking for the power to call for martial law, beyond the reality that the military is stretched far beyond its resources both in people and money, and beyond the scariness of having a gun-loving bully in the most powerful political position on the planet, using the military to enforce a quarantine simply would not work. The truth of the flu is that a quarantine is ineffective because you're infectious to others before you realize you're sick. Basic epidemiology tells us that the focus should not be on quarantine or isolation, but should be on putting resources into developing a vaccine and in manufacturing more antivirals. Right now, my friends, the U.S. possesses enough to protect less than 1% of the population for the duration of a flu season. Just which 1% do you think will be chosen? I know you may have already done this, but perhaps it's time to encourage everyone to write to congress and stop just being outraged on the sidelines...

thinking... thinking...

2005-10-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Another little gap in time... Now I'm in Oakland after a couple weeks in San Diego. I've decided it's time for a self-transformation. This starts with trying to figure out where I want to be for the next 6 months or one year. I was hung up on trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life but that was stressing me out and my brother pointed out (wisely) that it was also unnecessary at this stage. So here I am now with a shorter time-frame and still no answers, but it feels more do-able. I'll add more later, but that's the start. Along with going to the gym again, planning on dancing again, and doing more things to make myself feel better. Spent the weekend up in Auburn with friends which was fabulous, but a bit odd since I was the only single person. These are also the folks I said a teary good-bye to only 2 months ago. It's been a long (albeit, in fact, short) weird time. Time to start writing again and doing more stuff where I actually prioritize myself. That's the first big part of the change.

ah... airports!

2005-09-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting in the airport in Santiago, Chile, awaiting my evening flight to the U.S. I arrived from Argentina this morning. Ah... airports. How many things can I do in this airport? Particularly since I can't check in for another 4-5 hours and am relegated to the lobby. At least it's a lovely day in Chile and I can see the mountains all around. Very beautiful. Helped along by sampling more Chilean wine.

I'll drop a note about Buenos Aires in the very near future. Not having internet at home this week, I was not able to write while I was there, but the quick answer to your question is: yes, it's a wonderful city and I did love the tango, and yes, I survived the wacky Italian-Spanish-uniquely-Argentine accent and language structure (although I never once used "vos" myself). I danced enough tango to know that I need to dance more and to remember that I love dancing.

My teacher there was strongly encouraging me to move to B.A. and to teach English for a while while I continue to study Spanish. So another option has been added to the list. Nothing has emerged as a clear winner, but that's what my next few weeks are for I guess.

One other thing: I love being greeted by a kiss on the cheek. That everyone does it to everyone is just lovely.

Ciao, mi Escuela!

2005-09-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day here at the school in Chile. I've finished my classes, but find I'm reluctant to actually leave the school. I suppose I have to go home to pack... I tried to change my return ticket yesterday but couldn't. Oh well. This has been great. Tonight out to the bars (por supuesto) and tomorrow off to explore some wineries. Then, finally, pack everything up and off to Argentina!

De Santiago

2005-09-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dia por dia, mi español es mejor...

I realize I've never given you all a good picture of this place, so a little about Santiago:

Santiago is a huge urban zone. The people here are fantastic and very helpful everywhere I go. They take pride in being simpatico and consider it a national trait. The city is encircled by mountains which (in the past) made for a beautiful view from within most parts of the city. Unfortunately, now the city is among the top 5 most polluted cities in the world and it's rare to get a clear view of the snow-covered peaks -- unless it's the day after a rain. They don't generally get much rain, but this year is unusually wet so I've had many clearer days to see the range which cradles the city and I can tell you it's beautiful.

I knew Santiago was large, but was suprised to learn that there are 5.6 million people living here. I think people in the U.S. have a picture of Chile that is antiquated and folklore-ish. Or equate it with third-world countries and expect to pay very little. I didn't know what to expect and didn't read much of anything before I arrived. But contrary to the picture that many of us have of llama farmers living in the mountains (or whatever), I'm uploading this blog using the DSL line here at my house. Prices for goods are fairly comparable to the states (only a little lower) while prices for services are generally much lower. This translates into a high cost of living because salaries are not keeping pace with the prices of books, clothing, etc. On the plus side, this is all due to having a pretty stable economy and government (at least for a while).

Chile has had some ferocious earthquakes in the past. In California, earthquakes are measured in seconds. Here they last for minutes (as many as 4!) and are very intense. There are, consequently, few very tall buildings in Santiago and the city is sprawling. At least here (unlike LA), they have a fantastic public transportation system which goes all over the city. However, in the unwelcome-adventure category, you may have to board a moving bus if the driver doesn't feel like making a full stop. The drivers are paid by the fare so they try to get around as quickly as possible, picking up people who flag them down and not fully acknowledging certain inconveniences such as bus stops and crosswalks. The innumberable old buses also contribute mightily to the smog.

Vising Santiago 5 years from now could be radically different than today.The city/regional government is committed to addressing the polution issue, beginning with cleaning up the water of the river which runs through Santiago and replacing all the buses. After that, they are going to develop the area to create a more beautiful, picturesque and enticing (read: expensive) area of restaurants and parks bordering the river. It does sound very pretty and I'm sure it will be great. I haven't heard the other plans for the smog, but that can't be far behind. The mountains should be seen from the balcony of Neruda's house in the center of the city, just as they could be when his little boat-shaped lovenest, La Chascona, was built.

The history of Chile is rich in words, music and wine. In future blogs I'll add a little more about this, but know that a visit to Chile is greatly enriched by learning some about the history (political and cultural). Many things make more sense and mean more if you take a little time for this -- por supuesto.

I am here in the winter, which is rarely the right time to visit any city. I'm told that I need to come back in the spring and I agree that I must. I am eager to hike the mountains and explore the many glaciers and volcanoes here. Chile very nearly runs the entire span of the southern hemisphere and it seems a shame to only visit 1 region of the 12. They also have a fabulous coastline which is far finer in the sun than in the rain.

...besides, my trip was ill planned and I'm missing the country's largest fiesta: September 18. If you want to party for a week solid or so, come to Chile then for a massive outporing of national pride and an endless pouring of chicha and pisco. Then ski your way into the beginning of spring. If I could change my ticket, that's what I'd do...

[Photo by Robert Shaw. Cool guy. Good photographer.]

2005-08-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

Very quick addition before I head out for another salsa class...
The family breaks out in song! (there are 2 movies here)

Learning more than just Spanish

2005-08-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

Started my second set of classes this week (new teacher: Leo) and we learned the past tense. Yippeee! Although it was novel to speak and think only about present and future, it's been darn inconvenient when trying to answer complex questions such as "how was your day?" and "what did you eat for dinner?"

In the afternoon today, Samanta (my tutor) showed me photos of various famous people and then asked me to talk about them, what they've done, etc., to practice making sentences and speaking in the past tense. One of the photos was of Nelson Mandela and one was of Paris Hilton. I had a lot to say about Mandela (of course) and I didn't even recognize Paris Hilton. Samanta said that her students by and large fall into two categories: those who can talk about Mandela and those who can talk about Paris Hilton. Then we talked about how she thought it was strange and sad that everyone in Chile recognizes Paris Hilton and know a lot about her -- even though neither of us could answer the question: "What have been her significant achievements?" I decided that it was simply being able to get her name so well known without having done much of anything.

Then we fell back into talking about culture, politics and poetry. I love my afternoon classes. I'm going to have the most esoteric Spanish...

Snowboarding in the Andes!

2005-08-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Eski!
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Not too much energy to write after a major individual tutoring session... For practice reading, my tutor brought in some information about the state of the HIV epidemic and the prevention/treatment efforts in various countries throughout Latin America. It was cool, but a little tiring.

My whole body aches a bit from the boarding on Saturday. Achy in a good way. Now I can say I've boarded in the Andes which is very cool. I even almost managed to pull off a few turns without falling over!

Yesterday I went to Pablo Neruda's third house, the one here in Santiago. That man was eccentric and fabulous. The house was great. I'd love to live in a house designed to feel like a ship. I bought a book of his "essential" poems that's in both English and Spanish and am excited to read them. I'll write more about him in the future.

I'm loving the fact that this is so much more than just a language course. I'm learning quite a bit about Chile through my classes and am loving this country even more as a result!

If you want to see more photos, just click on the pic.

2005-08-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

Today we skiied & boarded. Very fun -- although I managed to break my binding so I spent the second half of the day entirely on my heelside and now my calves are insanely tight. We're really spoiled in California with the quality of our mountains for skiing. I knew this, but to have a very good snowboarder from Boston be so completely amazed with this resort was a good reminder; he'd never seen a mountain before. Any. Ever. Our lives have been different...

I came home to much conversation con mi familia aca, some homework and red wine with dinner. I fully intended to upload some photos for you all, but it's not going to happen. Estoy tuto (it's a Chileno term for "passing out" used for over tired children). Mañana voy a poner las fotografias aqui.

2005-08-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Today I learned the future tense, but not the past. This is a problem for a blog, where nearly everything is in the past... but this is my lesson for today. The past is inaccessible so I have to look to the future.

Este noche, mis companeros y yo vamos a los bars, y en la manana vamos a esquiar. Whoo hoo!

2005-08-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

I have to second one of Bert's posts: If you're feeling unpopular or unfeminine (por ejemplo, if your boyfriend dumps you saying that you're just a buddy), then you should go salsa dancing where there are more guys than gals. Even more, you should get your butt on a plane and go dancing in Latin America. Last night bailo mucho y felt muy bonita! But boy did it work me. Today my legs are sore... It's been a long time since I've danced... That will change. I think I'm going to reclaim my dancing self. I liked her.

The warmth of the people here is astonishing. I feel as if I've been adopted by my family here and every Chileno I've met is friendly. I met two boys from France who've been here for over a month and they say that's how Chilenos are; I'm not having an unusual experience.

My classes are going well and my family is complimenting me with how well I'm doing. I have to stop speaking English (and writing it), but 1) most of you can't read Spanish, and 2) I'm frustrated with only knowing the present tense. I'm starting to communicate better, but I know that it's still such an odd way of speaking. Ah well. Only 3 days so far. Let's see what happens.

Hoy, it's clear & warming up. It's probably temporary, but it's nice since I don't have too much in the way of warm clothing here. I was trying to look nice, but my only non-sandal shoes are hiking boots or my nice boots which are not really comfy enough for all day (although they were ok for salsa!) It was also beautiful walking to school today. I could see the snow-topped mountains that ring this city. Hoy dia es muy lista.

2005-08-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

Mi clase in Espanol es muy bueno. Aprendo mucho cada dia. Pero, uh... I´m stuck in the present tense y no tengo multos palabras. I know it´s only day 2, but I´m impatient.

In general, this is a great thing for me to do right now. Something positive for myself and also very absorbing. Only bummer is when we were practicing out loud today and el profesor asked me two questions in a row: "In what city is your house?" and "How many boyfriends do you have?"

I considered making up a story before I came here and not talk about reality with anyone, but that seemed like so much work. I´m weak. I've decided instead to only reveal a little and appear more like a slacker than anything. "no, I have no job, no house, no boyfriend, never been married, no kids. No real plans. Don´t know what I´m doing next." Leave it at that. Maybe someone will think I´m some rich spoiled kid...

Tonight: Baile! I´m excited for that. Dancing is always a release for me and I haven´t danced in too too long.

2005-08-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Now I´m in Chile and I´m loving it. I´m staying with a family here and only one speaks English well so I´m having to learn quickly -- which is what I¨m here for. They´re so warm and loving. It´s fantastic. Mom and Grandma just finished teaching me how to cook a Chilean specialty, Papas Rellenos. I tried to make one myself and it was tough. But all fun since I was speaking only in Spanish with them.

The city of Santiago is much larger than I thought: 5.6 million people. Yesterday I hiked to the top of San Cristobal and had great views of the city all the way up. It´s ringed by mountains, many of which still have snow on them. Good skiing is only 1 hour away from the heart of the city and ít´s not too pricey by U.S. standards. Everyone I meet here is so friendly! It already feels like a great place for me to be, and I´ve only been here for a day!

2005-08-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

Radical change of plan. Two weeks ago, instead of getting on a plane and moving to Austria, I was dumped. Not a fun time, but that's ok.

Instead, today I'm getting on plane for Chile. Off to study Spanish! Stay tuned for word from the Southern Hemisphere.

a new nephew!

2005-06-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

a new nephew!
Originally uploaded by cianna.

More photos

2005-06-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, a reporter in the New York Times who's been covering the crisis in Darfur received a letter from a man in Oregon. In the letter, he asked why America should care about Darfur, particularly when there are so many things going on in the U.S. that are not getting enough attention.

The reporter responded by personalizing the issue, creating a story about one woman in the crisis and then saying that she's only one of many.

I expect that this is not enough to sway the man in Oregon.

I had a very complex reaction to the letter. I agree that there are many issues in the U.S. which need attention. Desperate attention. Both mental and monetary attention. I also feel strongly that we should care about what's happening in the rest of the world, and that there is something to be said for using our internationally strong position (both politically and monetarily--but not militarily so much) to help in times of crisis... But I don't think this would be enough for the Oregonian either.

So... The best way to respond is perhaps from a position of American self-interest, since that seems to be the driving force behind so many actions these days. Or, actually, I'd like to re-introduce the idea of reciprocity into this debate. As explained by philosopher Michael Taylor, "Each individual act in a system of reciprocity is usually characterized by a combination of what one might call short-term altruism and long-term self-interest: I help you out in the (possibly vague, uncertain, and uncalculating) expectation that you will help me out in the future. Reciprocity is made up of a series of acts each of which is short-run altruistic (benefiting others at a cost to the altruist), but which together typically make each participant better off."

It seems that at one point much of American society operated largely on a system of reciprocity. Tocqueville noted it as a cornerstone of American democracy. A cornerstone I believe we have removed and dropped into some piece of landfill somewhere.

So why should we help out on anything happening in Africa? If we took our role as global stewards seriously (not a God-given role, just a practical end-result of having more of lots of things than just about anyone), then I think we should turn our attention to eliminating disparities around the world. All types of disparities: economic, health and political. Were we to approach the world from this standpoint, then resentments of our "freedoms" and our economic position would necessarily be chipped away. These resentments are the foundation of so much anti-American feeling globally that I think it's ridiculous to ignore them. I was always taught that to deal with the symptom and not the disease was short-sighted.

I would tell the man in Oregon that taking care of Africa helps to reduce the global burden of poverty, and that that is good for everyone in the world. Africa -- a continent currently struggling under the weight of painfully high rates of HIV, TB and malaria, a continent daily under the siege of civil wars and genocide -- Africa is still a continent which provides the rest of the world with many natural resources, with diamonds, with oil, with awe-inspiring athletes, with brilliant politicians and musicians... If we help Africa elevate itself, then down the line the continent could become a source of so much more. It was once the "cradle of civilization." Why should we think it can not rise up again?

If we truly took reciprocity to heart, this behavior would not just extend internationally, but would also be turned domestically. Were we to universally elevate the education and health levels throughout the country, then I am confident that less money would be spent on jails and emergency rooms. That's taxpayer money that could be redistributed for the good of society as a whole.

So I guess that really my answer to the man in Oregon is not that we should care about Africa, but that we should not be drawing lines. Today's society is not insular, it's global. And a global society built on reciprocity is one in which I would like to live.

2005-05-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that the phrase "I'm living vicariously through you" is one of the most sad and painful things to hear. It smacks of regret, inaction, unrealized hopes, loss of hope. I've heard it twice recently, each time from a woman who has much to look forward to. Once it was directed towards me from a woman who is about to get married and who is about to go back to school, and once directed towards a friend of mine by a woman who is recently married and currently pregnant.

I don't know why it's bothering me so much. It's not a compliment to me. It's said as a joke, and a way of saying that my friend and I are each doing interesting and exciting things (which we are), but somehow I just want to stop them from even joking like that. That kind of comparison and regret cannot make people happy. And that bothers me.

2005-04-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

Whoo! Very excited! I'm waiting for the shuttle to take me to the airport so I can get on a plane and go to Austria. Yippee! I get to add to my "where I've been" map:

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

...and I get to see Troy!
Now let's see how my German holds up.

2005-04-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

My friend's brother is John of John & Lisa. They're trying to win The Ultimate Country Wedding. It feels kinda goofy, but it would be super cool for them!

2005-03-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

I am seriously missing my Wacom Tablet. I dropped the stylus about a week ago or so and it stopped working. Since then I've been back using a mouse or just the trackpad (mostly a mouse) and now my hand is buzzing along my pinky and side of my palm, and I'm getting that fatigue along the top of my hand again along with the tightness up my arm. That's seriously so fast I'm amazed. Granted, I'm on the computer almost every waking moment right now, but that's not so unusual. I cannot believe how much my hand is affected and also how distracting it is.

I know I've talked a lot of people into getting these pads and now I have another story to add to the list. I should start working for them.

Buried in Books

2005-03-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

my bookshelf
Originally uploaded by cianna.

...uh... can you believe this is my reading right now? And it's only really the latest round of books and none of the journal articles. I feel like I've been getting a large part of some advanced degree... the part after all the foundational lessons that help you to understand what's coming next. And the part that doesn't actually let me get a piece of paper and a related research job.

I'm having conversations with major honchos at CDC, NIH, Pasteur, etc. that I can't believe myself.

Right now as the researcher, I'm in charge of ensuring that the science that we have in the show (which is at the molecular level of 7 different diseases!) is correct. And then as the archival researcher, I find footage for each show. Then, to wrap it all up, I'm annotating our scripts to show where I/we got all the information from.

I'm tired.

2005-03-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else hear this story on NPR: Electronic Anklets Track Asylum Seekers in U.S.?? I cannot believe this is happening! I'm getting flashes of the Third Reich, 1984, and the Handmaid's Tale all at once in my head and that is no fun. Electronic anklets are the mark of seriously dangerous criminals. So now we're criminalizing immigrants who legally apply to remain in the states? Yeah. That's a good idea.

I'm getting sick just thinking about this.

I can't believe that I'm living in the land of freedom. The land of truth and justice. The earth is going to open up and swallow the Statue of Liberty. And we'd deserve it.

Snow? Am I in LA?

2005-03-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Snow? Am I in LA?
Originally uploaded by cianna.

I'm thinking that I might have to revise some of my ideas about LA. I mean, people here told me I could be on the slopes in an hour and half, but I didn't really expect to be able to see snow from downtown LA. I confess I don't really expect to see nature at all from down there, but there it was looming in front of me as I drove in the wee hours of the morning to Victorville, a forgotten place of chain restaurants, malls, and a decommissioned air force base where we filmed last week.

Siezing a Pink's opportunity

2005-02-22T19:27:00.000-08:00

A rare scene at Pink's
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Twelve inches of rain in seven days. This is (or was) a desert. Over 100 years ago, this area saw some similar weather, but not since. Amidst the 200 foot wide sinkholes, the complete submersion of the 101 freeway, and rapidly disappearing hillsides, I caught this rare view of a local landmark: Pink's Hotdogs with no line! It was 5:30 in the evening, too, generally high time for a Lord of the Rings Dog (a hotdog with onion rings and barbecue sauce) or the new Harry Potter Dog (I think it's chili, nacho cheese, and grilled onions on a polish dog...?). Yes, I did have to pull over (and got a spot in the small lot!), and grabbed a more traditional Chili Cheese Dog accompanied by some of the best fries the world has ever known. That would be, of course, either this world or another populated by wizards...

2005-02-21T22:12:00.000-08:00

When I moved in, I joked that I couldn't believe I found one of the only second floor apartments in LA... It was a bummer when I was carrying all my boxes of books up the stairs, but it's pretty excellent during this unbelievable rain. The amount of rain doesn't seem out of control for Northern California, but LA definitely can't handle it. The street in front of my work was flooded. There are a few sinkholes, and a lot of houses sliding. Everywhere the traffic is tied up, lots of accidents, and whole sections of the freeway underwater. It's pretty amazing. I feel lucky to be dry and warm.

2005-02-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the bombings in the Philippines today? I'm a little flipped out. I'm only a little worried that my family might have been injured. I'm more worried about my friends. But what really gets to me is the thought that the Philippines just can't shake this violence. It's a country that has so much to offer -- and had even more in the past. Its literacy rate at one point was somewhere around 90%. The islands are gorgeous and rich in natural resources. The location for shipping is ideal (part of the reason they kept getting colonized). The people are friendly and diverse. The southern islands are even protected from typhoons! But corruption, a history of being treated as ane exploitable resource by foreign imperialists, and an entrenched class system do not help. And these extremists besmirch the name of Islam and help to keep the country in a reactive and desperate state.

Add to this the news of a highly virulent multiply drug resistant strain of HIV, and I'm having a hard time of it right now. Robert Gallo says we shouldn't worry too much, that the new strain doesn't appear to be transmissable, but knowing how this virus mutates, it's kinda only a matter of time.

In both cases I'm having fears of returning to the 80s. Lots of people died and it was all no fun. I'm not really able to imagine going through that again.

2005-02-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah!!! Spoke with Troy today for the first time since he arrived in Vienna. Let's hear it for voice chat on Yahoo messenger!! Troy said it was even clearer than when he used a landline there to call a bank in San Francisco. Gotta love that. And the fact that it's free!

This does, of course, only increase my dependence on the web, further reinforced by my studying both German and Teaching English as a Foreign Language online.

But then, you all are reading this online, so you're at least partially in the same camp.

Sake House

2005-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

Sake House
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Last night actually took myself out to dinner at Sake House Miro on La Brea. Very fun little sushi place that claims it's real Tokyo style, and I buy it based on my 3 days in Tokyo. Yum!

Tonight went out for Filipino food with a coworker. After chatting with a friend in London today I'm thinking I need to get as much of this food as I can before I leave for Austria. Darn!

2005-02-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

Phew! Just got back from Sacramento where I presented my big HIV document. I was fully prepared for the group to be angry with me just because they weren't involved in selecting me as a writer and because I made such radical changes in the document... but they were actually really happy! That's such a huge relief. Another draft to go, but all is well in the HIV writing world for me tonight.

Dump those U.S. coins!

2005-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

IMG_0265
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Yesterday Troy dumped his last U.S. coins... very happily!

Today he left for Vienna. Kinda odd to think about, but he's very excited. Now I just have to figure out how to get there myself.

Gettin' Glammed

2005-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Gettin' Glammed
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Yesterday they used me as an extra for the TB episode. Here I am with a professional makeup artist making me look all girly. I'm wearing boots and skirt, too! You can't see the shirt, though, since I'm still wearing my sweatshirt to keep it clean.

2005-01-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

So this helicopter crash wasn't important enough for Bush to mention in his press conference this morning? If I were related to any of the marines who died, I'd be livid. As it is, I just feel slightly ill every time I hear W talk.

2005-01-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

Studying German in the mornings... Using RosettaStone.com. It's very cool! Thanks, Paul for turning me on to it!

2005-01-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

I'm currently sitting at the Apple Store in the Grove. Waiting for my turn at the "Genius Bar." I'm glad they have a wireless network so I can keep myself busy.

Life feels really nutty at the same time it's strangely empty. I'm working a lot at Arcwelder, working on a big HIV writing project, and generally not much else. I talk to Troy via yahoo chat or IM, or by phone if he can find a signal. Life feels oddly like I'm waiting. Some of it is me preparing (studying German, trying to get future writing projects, reading about Austria), and that's an odd place to be.

I'm a little worried about getting work in Austria. And not at all sure how this whole "documentary career" is going to happen.

At some point I have to get my feet back in contact with the earth. I must remember the fabulous time we had clambering around in Carlsbad Caverns on New Year's Day. Somehow crawling through the mud, squeezing through small passages in the rock, and working my way down a crevasse with arms and legs spanning the gap -- and doing it all with Troy -- was just the most excellent thing.

In entirely other news... I have another nephew on the way!

2005-01-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

That's it! Troy got his work permit from the Austrian government today so he has perhaps 2 more weeks in the U.S. Whew! Then it's off to Vienna! For those of you who actually use the blog to keep up, I'll post more details about the crazy last couple of months here soon. I do have internet now at home (finally) so I can post.

2004-11-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

I know I need to note something about the election, but I'm just too dang overwhelmed by everything.

This interesting tidbit cropped up in my research today. Time to revise our image of evolution?
RedNova - Evolution's New Look

2004-09-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

One month in LA today... Feels kind of strange. I think I'm beginning to accept that I'm actually living here, not just passing through on an extended stay as I did on all previous long stays in this city. A feeling that is amplified by actually starting to unpack my stuff, and by going to an art opening here and meeting up with friends there.

That was an interesting scene. The opening. It was at the Hammer Museum at UCLA. The show was Made In Mexico, of which I managed to see about a half. The evening was primarily spent cattily scanning the crowd, fending off predatory men with too much cologne, and having some fun & comfortable conversations with my (NEW!) sister-in-law, Gabriela, and her friends. I say "cattily" because my early arrival did offer me quite a while to scan the crowd and I don't always have the most generous thoughts about people. It was an interesting mix of casually dressed students, agressively artistically dressed people who seemed desperate to be noticed, and well-dressed art show regulars sprinkled in among those who seemed to come knowing that many people would be there and who could care less that it was a gallery. True to form, I liked the idea of some of the modern art, thought some of the art was funny, thought some of the pieces were executed well, and only actually liked some of the more classic pieces in the permanent collection.

One piece in the Made in Mexico show was fun. One artist created an installation featuring a video of a car wash in action, and some bubbles falling from the ceiling. Clever, I thought first, looking at one of the mainstay sources of employment for Mexicans in LA, the car wash. Fun, too, to have bubbles in a gallery. They floated out of the ceiling, coming to rest on the floor or on outstretched hands of visitors. Then I read that the artist learned that a car wash was operated using water from the morgue next door -- water that was run off after being used for washing out cadavers, etc. The video is of that car wash, zooming in on seemingly oblivious folks chatting on cell phones while their expensive cars are being cleansed with post-funereal rinse water. The icing was that the bubbles in gallery were, also, created using morgue water... a fact which instantly changed the festive feeling among the people who had been trying to catch them in their hands and on their heads. That was fun.

So I suppose I'm in LA now. I'm going to another opening tomorrow, it being (according to my roommate) the "opening weekend of the season." I had no idea that art had a season. Perhaps, lacking seasons created by weather, Angelinos compensate by creating their own alternative reasons to note the time of year. I wonder if I have to change my clothing? And does the food change as well? I suppose there the answer must be "no." We are still in California, where you can get tomatoes and avocados year-round.

2004-09-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I forgot that I was in LA. I'm sitting in a cafe that I walked to (my neighbor gave me driving directions, but I knew it was only 2 blocks away). I also rode my bike to and from work today. I'm going to have to work harder on this fitting in thing. I think it goes beyond just wearing sandals every day -- especially since I keep forgetting to paint my toenails.

I'm fully unloaded into my new apartment. Can't say that I'm moved in since everything is still in boxes and I'm eating only food that can be prepared with a bowl and a microwave. But everything that I own is now in one place. And I'm really really sore from carrying so many boxes up the stairs. A town of one-story buildings and I move into the second floor. Figures.

It is nice to move into a neighborhood, though. I met my neighbors yesterday. On one side Kenneth & his wife (Corrine? Correlle?) were watering the lawn. On the other side, Terry Jr. was washing his car. I haven't met Terry Sr. yet, but he's in the house, too. It's so cool to meet neighbors! I haven't met any since my days on Shotwell when the drug dealers next door were nice to me. They helped me move my stuff and let me use their driveway. That was excellent. This, however, is different. Families. Dogs. Lawns. Pools. Hard to believe I'm in the middle of a city.

2004-08-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

LA observations. just a few to start...

We have a meeting, order pizza. The box is advertising some upcoming movie. The executive producer looks over at me apologetically and says, "Welcome to LA."

I open up the LA Weekly... I am struck by the number of botox and lipo ads. Nearly every page.

I really am surprised by all the lawns.

I saw a cyclist today.

The supermarket down the street here doesn't have a sidewalk to get to the front door. It's off the parking lot in the back only. I walked up the driveway.

I am afraid getting hooked on blended coffee with boba balls in it. Hooked in some strange overly-sweet mid-afternoon caffeine/sugar craving kind of way...

2004-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Nearly 2 weeks in LA... It's felt like an odd and somewhat disconnected time overall. The job is great, and the people turn out to be even more excellent than their first impressions led me to believe. Nice (and rare) when that is true. The odd part is being so clueless about where I am and needing all kinds of basic help (where can I go for lunch? where's a used book store? is that neighborhood far?) It's been a long while for me to be so out of it in a living-there type situation. I'm certainly feeling like a traveller -- only I'm supposed to have moved here. Hm.

For a place notorious for its cars, LA has a lot of trees. Looking around for an apartment, it seemed I was constantly turning a corner of some central city street and landing on another suburban block. It seems most blocks between the big streets here are filled with 1- and 2-story homes with lawns in front. Where I'm staying (Santa Monica according to my host, Sawtelle according to the Thomas Guide), it seems there's always someone out walking their dog. No matter what time of day or night.

High contrast to Koreatown, where I'm working, which oddly keeps reminding me off different places in the Philippines. Not fully, but every now and then. There's a boba tea/coffee place around the corner with a little outdoor deck that feels kinda like Boracay except that it faces a bank parking lot instead of the beach. I can pretend it's a beach...

As for the job, I'm learning tons about viruses, bacteria, and a couple of parasites. Even more about epidemics and public policy (or the lack of it). And I feel like a part of this little documentary-making machine, not just a side note. That's a nice feeling. For that, I'm sure that it's all going to be good. The verdict on the rest of my world down here is still to be determined. I suppose my sense of place will improve as I learn my way around and as I get some friends so I don't simply return home to read more about plagues, eat cheese and crackers, and wait until after our cell plans go to "evening minutes" to talk to Troy on the phone.

2004-08-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

First day in LA, first day at the new job. Pretty dang cool place to work, I'm thinking. Day was slow, just getting oriented, but still actually productive. It's awfully nice to be working again. Something about my last consulting jobs just wasn't working for me. I think that they weren't absorbing enough. Not enough work. And it's nice to be back in an office with co-workers again.

Off to look at apartments now. Not looking forward to that at all.

2004-08-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's coming down to the wire. Today is our day to rent the truck and throw stuff into storage. Even though I've brought several carloads to Goodwill, have donated other things to art programs, have thrown away many bags of stuff and have sold my couches and a dresser... I still have lots of stuff! This is insane.

Also insane is taking off for the weekend for a wedding and trying to pack for that at the same time. I'm feeling a little nuts.

And the countdown to moving away from Troy is not fun. I'm having a hard time letting myself think about that. It's mitigating my excitement about the job, although that is still exciting. But I worry for our future, knowing full well that worrying accomplishes nothing and I can only wait and see how everything turns out.

Time to make americanos and wake up my sleepy guy.

2004-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Trying to pack everything up. I've been bitten by the "go light" bug and am trying to shed furniture. Since I don't think of myself as "moving to LA" (in my mind I'm going there temporarily for one job"), I can't seem to wrap my head around renting a truck and bringing my stuff with me. I'm hoping a couple carloads in my (newly repaired, but still painfully small) Tercel will do it. At least for a while. And I might be being ridiculous. Troy and my heart are still in the Bay Area and LA is nowhere near a new home for me. At least not for now. I'm not even there yet. And I still have to excavate my office. I'm getting to be a regular at the Salvation Army. It's incredible how much I've brought down there. Perhaps more amazing how much stuff I still have left. Must shed more.