I have a very good life

This is what I've been thinking about lately: I have a very good life. No matter what has come my way, I have always found a way through it -- and I have never had to do that alone. I have wonderful friends. I have a good family (even when we're strained it's mostly because they're either concerned about me or worried for themselves). I have always been able to do work that is creative and fulfilling. I get to laugh a lot.

If anything, I am so self-protective that I don't let in as much goodness as is possible and available to me. I need to be less guarded.

I want to thank everyone for filling my life with good things and with love. Have a wonderful 2007. I will!

why I'm getting a low grade

During a rambling late-night conversation with a friend on the phone, I tried to explain what I'd realized recently about my approach to dating -- a realization/revelation:

What if all this time I thought I had been handed a logic problem but actually it's a creative writing exercise?

If there's one thing I know about writing, it's that when I begin a new piece I don't know where it will end up. I also have no way of predicting when something will inspire me or even what will be any good. I may write something which really works at that moment but is utterly irrelevant to my place in life at another time. Over time, my work improves but it's not a linear path.

However, good writing comes through practice and I'm most creative when I just try to write all the time without worrying in advance about whether or not it will be any good. I do learn what doesn't work, but I can't predict what will work. And I know also that what works for one reader doesn't work for all.

It is a creative writing exercise. No wonder I've been getting low marks on my logic problem...

shedding the past

Actually, I suppose "shedding" might sound a little too active... I need some kind of passive verb. My past has been shed... I'm having a digital amnesia... My computer is shedding my past... OK. All that is just a flowery way to say that my external hard drive crashed, taking with it all digital photos and music, along with a significant portion of my writing. I wish I had been consistent with backups, but as it is my digital memory is full of holes. My iPod has also decided to leave this world, its death suspiciously coinciding with that of the source of its music...

Ah well. I knew this year was going to be all about getting a fresh start. This is just getting a little extreme, I think.

overwhelming, must join the fray

Yes, my dear readers. I know it's been a long time. Several draft blogs sit unposted and will be uploaded... I am in a constant state of overwhelm. And so I dance. And invent new creative projects for myself. More soon.

anarchy inside

Yesterday I was told: "You have an anarchy inside you." It was meant somewhere between fact and compliment, the voice of one attracted to that quality but who finds it uncommon. I was very pleased and repeated it to myself. Now I repeat it to you. I was told this in the context of talking about how we live our lives and the kind of art we like to do. I become both wistful and inspired remembering when I felt completely immersed in doing something creative. I feel that I may again have this feeling and perhaps not in the too distant future. And that thought makes me giddy and impatient, while experience tells me that I can't force it and my time now is best spent assembling all the tools I will need when the time comes. I feel both inside and outside myself, uncertain and confident. I wonder what will happen next?

Wow. Big lens.

Wow. Big lens
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Last night I was out being the camera person for our doc for the first time. I need the practice! It was very fun and nervous-making and ultimately my footage was almost completely unusable, but hey -- I have to start somewhere!

can opener

I don't want to be bitter anymore. I don't want to think about it. But I just wanted to make some food and realized I don't have a frikkin can opener.

#*$%#(!!!

There are many many good things in my world right now. Time to think about those.

Getting sleepy

I'm posting from the office... no change to the time stamp... Getting tired. Still very happy about the job, but admittedly getting tired.

new twin nephews

my new twin nephews
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Diego and Maximillian were born Saturday! They're both healthy & I hear my sister-in-law is recovering well. More fun tita times ahead!

What am I putting out there?

Two incidents from the last 2 weeks:

1) On my way into Cafe Trieste to grab an Africano before jumping into another 16-hour editing day, I walked past two young black men waiting at the bus stop. They were both wearing full hip-hop garb replete with bling. One of them smiled at me and complimented me on my nose ring. He said a couple things that made me laugh. He then went on to cruise me, following me into the cafe & waiting in line behind me, chatting me up. I wasn't smitten, but it didn't feel rude. After a while, he asked for my number and I told him that I just wasn't in that space. He said, "Oh, ok." Then he paused a moment and asked, "Hey, do you have a dollar for the bus?"

2) I was walking in Berkeley when a minivan pulled over a little way ahead of me. As I passed by, the guy driving rolled down the passenger window and called out. I figured he was looking for directions, so I looked in and greeted him. He said, "I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for a girlfriend and thought you could have dinner with me?"

I mean, yes, I'm starting to feel like it might be ok to date again sometime in my future, but I don't think I'm sending out the right vibe...