I wonder and will never know

Three days ago it was my mother's birthday. Or, more precisely, it would have been.

Today when I went out for lunch I overheard a very intense (and supportive) conversation between a mother and her daughter about the daughter's difficulties with her boyfriend. I pictured myself in that conversation with my mother and wondered if I would have had that kind of open talk with her, if I would have sought out her advice.

A few minutes later, I realized with a surprise that I'm only a handful of years away from the real possibility that I could have been the mother in that conversation had I stayed in one particular relationship and had children as my partner desired.

I walked home increasingly thoughtful, bordering on despondent, considering how I have been cut out/have cut myself out of a relationship which so many around me herald as one of the most important in their lives: between mother and daughter. I know it's not everything, and I am not knocking the relationship I have with my Dad, but I hear that it's different and it makes me wonder.