During a rambling late-night conversation with a friend on the phone, I tried to explain what I'd realized recently about my approach to dating -- a realization/revelation:
What if all this time I thought I had been handed a logic problem but actually it's a creative writing exercise?
If there's one thing I know about writing, it's that when I begin a new piece I don't know where it will end up. I also have no way of predicting when something will inspire me or even what will be any good. I may write something which really works at that moment but is utterly irrelevant to my place in life at another time. Over time, my work improves but it's not a linear path.
However, good writing comes through practice and I'm most creative when I just try to write all the time without worrying in advance about whether or not it will be any good. I do learn what doesn't work, but I can't predict what will work. And I know also that what works for one reader doesn't work for all.
It is a creative writing exercise. No wonder I've been getting low marks on my logic problem...
9.10.2006
8.31.2006
shedding the past
Actually, I suppose "shedding" might sound a little too active... I need some kind of passive verb. My past has been shed... I'm having a digital amnesia... My computer is shedding my past... OK. All that is just a flowery way to say that my external hard drive crashed, taking with it all digital photos and music, along with a significant portion of my writing. I wish I had been consistent with backups, but as it is my digital memory is full of holes. My iPod has also decided to leave this world, its death suspiciously coinciding with that of the source of its music...
Ah well. I knew this year was going to be all about getting a fresh start. This is just getting a little extreme, I think.
Ah well. I knew this year was going to be all about getting a fresh start. This is just getting a little extreme, I think.
8.04.2006
overwhelming, must join the fray
Yes, my dear readers. I know it's been a long time. Several draft blogs sit unposted and will be uploaded... I am in a constant state of overwhelm. And so I dance. And invent new creative projects for myself. More soon.
5.20.2006
anarchy inside
Yesterday I was told: "You have an anarchy inside you." It was meant somewhere between fact and compliment, the voice of one attracted to that quality but who finds it uncommon. I was very pleased and repeated it to myself. Now I repeat it to you. I was told this in the context of talking about how we live our lives and the kind of art we like to do. I become both wistful and inspired remembering when I felt completely immersed in doing something creative. I feel that I may again have this feeling and perhaps not in the too distant future. And that thought makes me giddy and impatient, while experience tells me that I can't force it and my time now is best spent assembling all the tools I will need when the time comes. I feel both inside and outside myself, uncertain and confident. I wonder what will happen next?
5.07.2006
Wow. Big lens.
Last night I was out being the camera person for our doc for the first time. I need the practice! It was very fun and nervous-making and ultimately my footage was almost completely unusable, but hey -- I have to start somewhere!
5.01.2006
can opener
I don't want to be bitter anymore. I don't want to think about it. But I just wanted to make some food and realized I don't have a frikkin can opener.
#*$%#(!!!
There are many many good things in my world right now. Time to think about those.
#*$%#(!!!
There are many many good things in my world right now. Time to think about those.
4.30.2006
Getting sleepy
I'm posting from the office... no change to the time stamp... Getting tired. Still very happy about the job, but admittedly getting tired.
4.17.2006
new twin nephews
Diego and Maximillian were born Saturday! They're both healthy & I hear my sister-in-law is recovering well. More fun tita times ahead!
4.09.2006
What am I putting out there?
Two incidents from the last 2 weeks:
1) On my way into Cafe Trieste to grab an Africano before jumping into another 16-hour editing day, I walked past two young black men waiting at the bus stop. They were both wearing full hip-hop garb replete with bling. One of them smiled at me and complimented me on my nose ring. He said a couple things that made me laugh. He then went on to cruise me, following me into the cafe & waiting in line behind me, chatting me up. I wasn't smitten, but it didn't feel rude. After a while, he asked for my number and I told him that I just wasn't in that space. He said, "Oh, ok." Then he paused a moment and asked, "Hey, do you have a dollar for the bus?"
2) I was walking in Berkeley when a minivan pulled over a little way ahead of me. As I passed by, the guy driving rolled down the passenger window and called out. I figured he was looking for directions, so I looked in and greeted him. He said, "I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for a girlfriend and thought you could have dinner with me?"
I mean, yes, I'm starting to feel like it might be ok to date again sometime in my future, but I don't think I'm sending out the right vibe...
1) On my way into Cafe Trieste to grab an Africano before jumping into another 16-hour editing day, I walked past two young black men waiting at the bus stop. They were both wearing full hip-hop garb replete with bling. One of them smiled at me and complimented me on my nose ring. He said a couple things that made me laugh. He then went on to cruise me, following me into the cafe & waiting in line behind me, chatting me up. I wasn't smitten, but it didn't feel rude. After a while, he asked for my number and I told him that I just wasn't in that space. He said, "Oh, ok." Then he paused a moment and asked, "Hey, do you have a dollar for the bus?"
2) I was walking in Berkeley when a minivan pulled over a little way ahead of me. As I passed by, the guy driving rolled down the passenger window and called out. I figured he was looking for directions, so I looked in and greeted him. He said, "I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for a girlfriend and thought you could have dinner with me?"
I mean, yes, I'm starting to feel like it might be ok to date again sometime in my future, but I don't think I'm sending out the right vibe...
3.25.2006
Neither hair nor there
oh it's been so long that my cookies have expired! So much has happened which is interesting and significant or at least amusing, but that will take longer to write and I want to be sure that I don't squelch my moment of remembering to post by getting lost in silly things like "wording" or "style"
So, I will venture down a familiar well-trodden path simply because it's inexplicably come up recently in several of my friend circles -- even without being initiated by me. So I figure it's something in the air. Or hair. Really, that's the issue. Why is it that hair salons seem to feel compelled to have a cutesy name? Down the street from me here is "Sahaira." Ms. O has her ire raised by anything which includes "Shear"... Shear Madness, for example. I do have a soft spot for "Curl Up & Dye". It makes me giggle.
What are your favorites? Any particular gems? Let's start a collection.
So, I will venture down a familiar well-trodden path simply because it's inexplicably come up recently in several of my friend circles -- even without being initiated by me. So I figure it's something in the air. Or hair. Really, that's the issue. Why is it that hair salons seem to feel compelled to have a cutesy name? Down the street from me here is "Sahaira." Ms. O has her ire raised by anything which includes "Shear"... Shear Madness, for example. I do have a soft spot for "Curl Up & Dye". It makes me giggle.
What are your favorites? Any particular gems? Let's start a collection.
1.01.2006
It's 2006
It's a new year and I believe that blogging protocols require that we bloggers pay some attention to this fact. There are several standard formats for this: 1) A retrospective of the previous year, 2) Resolutions for the new year, 3) Top ten lists of events or the like from the previous year reflecting rage, stupidity, hilarity, or fabulousness, 4) Predictions for the new year, 5) General summary of the way too cool and rockin' party which culminated in a really hot kiss on the stroke of midnight, or 6) Whining about feelings of loneliness and the lack of a really hot midnight kiss with expressions of regret or self-loathing.
In reviewing this list, I consider what I'm thinking about at this moment and find that I'm not fitting any form particularly well. I am thinking primarily about plans, which I suppose are not far from resolutions, but somehow feel not quite the same. I'm not interested in setting myself up for self-flagellation or feelings of failure if I don't achieve my plans. I'm looking to create a map, something on which I can always find my way again if I get distracted and start wandering (I prefer that terminology over "lost"). Wandering is a way of life for me and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Enough pre-amble. Now for content:
I am thinking that this will be a year in which I'll try to re-connect and strengthen my bond with friends, in which I will consciously try to do things that make me happy and grounded, and in which I will spend more time thinking about just how lucky I am. I spent much of 2005 feeling isolated and dwelt on things that were gone, which (if you kept up with what was happening in my world) was not an unreasonable reaction, but not one which was fun or particularly good for me. So if you're a friend of mine, feel free to hold me to writing and calling more often and to going out dancing, climbing, chatting, biking, cooking, hiking or whatever else it is that you think you and I might enjoy doing together. (I wouldn't turn down a hot kiss either). Together is a key word for me this year. You might also experience more "thank you's" from me for random things, and know that I'm thinking about that more often.
As for feeling lucky, I always do, even when I'm down. I'm a lucky girl. I'm just going to do that more consciously now.
What brought this on? Well it's not some new-age realization as much as exhaustion. Most of the time I'm a pretty happy gal and for over 5 months now I've just been not me. I'm tired and I need to turn it around. You all know that I'm an action gal so now you also know I have some kind of plan.
When was the last time you took stock of the good things in your life? What would happen if every time you complained about something or felt treated unfairly that you tried to spend an equal amount of time thinking about something good? It really could be anything as far as I'm concerned. I was happy this morning for getting a yummy breakfast and then having time to take a nice long hot shower. How about you?
In reviewing this list, I consider what I'm thinking about at this moment and find that I'm not fitting any form particularly well. I am thinking primarily about plans, which I suppose are not far from resolutions, but somehow feel not quite the same. I'm not interested in setting myself up for self-flagellation or feelings of failure if I don't achieve my plans. I'm looking to create a map, something on which I can always find my way again if I get distracted and start wandering (I prefer that terminology over "lost"). Wandering is a way of life for me and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Enough pre-amble. Now for content:
I am thinking that this will be a year in which I'll try to re-connect and strengthen my bond with friends, in which I will consciously try to do things that make me happy and grounded, and in which I will spend more time thinking about just how lucky I am. I spent much of 2005 feeling isolated and dwelt on things that were gone, which (if you kept up with what was happening in my world) was not an unreasonable reaction, but not one which was fun or particularly good for me. So if you're a friend of mine, feel free to hold me to writing and calling more often and to going out dancing, climbing, chatting, biking, cooking, hiking or whatever else it is that you think you and I might enjoy doing together. (I wouldn't turn down a hot kiss either). Together is a key word for me this year. You might also experience more "thank you's" from me for random things, and know that I'm thinking about that more often.
As for feeling lucky, I always do, even when I'm down. I'm a lucky girl. I'm just going to do that more consciously now.
What brought this on? Well it's not some new-age realization as much as exhaustion. Most of the time I'm a pretty happy gal and for over 5 months now I've just been not me. I'm tired and I need to turn it around. You all know that I'm an action gal so now you also know I have some kind of plan.
When was the last time you took stock of the good things in your life? What would happen if every time you complained about something or felt treated unfairly that you tried to spend an equal amount of time thinking about something good? It really could be anything as far as I'm concerned. I was happy this morning for getting a yummy breakfast and then having time to take a nice long hot shower. How about you?
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