Verbal Tightrope

I'm housesitting and there's a crew here doing some renovations on the house. The main guy is probably somewhere in his 40s and today he has two young men helping him (all are white). I'm currently sitting in a part of the house where I can hear most of their conversations, but I'm working on transcriptions, so I'm not getting everything. Somehow, the execution of Tookie Williams came up. One of the young men, sounding sure that he's among friends, says that "killing him was fucked up." The older man strongly disagrees, "Bro, he killed 4 kids, bro!" (I appreciated the bookending on that statement, a technique he would continue to use to emphasize his points). One of the young men has stopped talking, so now it's down to two. They argue the case, the young man citing Tookie's self-professed innocence and various news reports, the foreman making plain statements of fact that Tookie took contracts out on people and various other things I couldn't catch. At some point, I gathered, the older man pulled a form of knowledge rank mentioning a fact based on his own experiences in jail. This left the assistant with no reply. The conversation lull was short, though, and in the next part I heard the older man was saying something (in truth, several somethings) negative about black women. All black women. At this, the young man seemed to be caught between feeling the urge to challenge the racism and needing to come off as a cool construction guy -- and he was challenging his boss. He decided to take the sex option and asked, "Are you serious that you've never thought any black woman was just smokin' hot?" This failed. I'm not sure what happened next, but at some point the foreman asked, "Bro, how can you sit there and tell me I'm a white supremacist? Bro!" I was sad to have missed the lead in to that. The next defense was odd. I pictured the older man shaking his head as he said, "Bro. You've known me for years and for 20 years I've lived in LA the whole time." I'm not sure how that proves that you're not a racist, but I guess that was the final word because afterwards he declared he was going out to smoke a cigarette.

The two young men were then left alone. I heard the gritty sounds of grout applied between spanish tiles. The argumentative young man said, "I don't know. I just don't see how you can say that shit." The second young man offers a sidestep: "You know P. He just is what he is. That's just it." Then my favorite line of the night, the one that catalyzed this post, a plaintive cry from someone who feels strongly that racism is bad, that it should be challenged, but is also unwilling to appear unmanly or to ostracize himself from the group, the verbal tightrope walking of the liberal on a (newly discovered to be) conservative blue-collar job... the young man says, "Thing is, as soon as I figured out I like pussy, I didn't care what color skin it was wrapped in."

And that really was the final word.

An abundance of hugs

This morning I cuddled with my friends' 2 1/2-year-old daughter. She sat on my lap and we read together. Then I picked up her giggling squirming body sideways and did a few bicep curls punctuated by belly kisses. After, I found myself thinking that it was too bad that belly kisses and giggling generally disappeared from an adult world -- only re-introduced when children make an appearance. I missed them. This whole "sexual attraction" thing really messed up a basic joy, something that we should all share.

This must be another reason I'm happy to be back in the Bay Area. My friends here hug. And we hold each other while dancing. But I think even more, it's the hugs. Last night, in a jazz bar, a large group of us hung out together, and joking/hand holding/casual touching/sitting close is just part of that scene. And I know that I've felt better ever since my return.

Science has made it official: people need to be touched. Hugs can make stress less damaging and are especially beneficial for women. A recent study looked at the long-term impact of a childhood without hugs (and other "loving parenting"). Raised in their first years without love, those kids did not develop essential hormones.

Do you have an abundance of hugs? If you have some to spare, spread them around.

face at rest

When I was younger, I noticed that some people looked angry or sad when their faces were at rest. That is, when they weren't thinking about anything in particular -- or at least they didn't look like they were thinking about anything. I noticed this when people were walking down the street. Some people looked like upbeat, but more seemed to be frowning than anything. Still others looked vaguely sad... I felt sorry for them.

I decided that I wanted my face to look friendly and, if possible, to look like I was happy as my normal state. I wanted my natural resting face to be a smile. I thought that would make me more approachable. Part of me wished that most people could have happy resting faces. I don't think I thought I could start a trend or anything, but I knew I wanted to be part of that happy crowd. So I practiced. Whenever I realized I hadn't been thinking about anything in particular, I tried to freeze my face in the expression it had and check if it was frowning or if my lips were tight or anything like that. I consciously relaxed the muscles in my face until I thought I looked unbothered and perhaps even contented. I find I still search through my facial muscles to be sure that they're not tensed up and relax them. I've done this several times while typing this out tonight.

I don't know if it worked or not, but I am frequently the one asked for directions or approached in groups. Maybe it's my unconsciously welcoming and relaxed expression. Maybe more people should have that. Are you frowning now? Have you frowned today? Stop!

The MicroKillers are here!

In case you all have been feeling too calm lately and needed to get nervous about something, I thought you'd like to watch a couple of shows about pandemics. National Geographic is going to air the first two of the MicroKillers series I worked on -- "Ebola" and "Super Flu" -- on November 13 (9pm & 10pm) and 19 (2pm & 3pm). (You'll have to have National Geographic Channel to see them.) That second episode will answer many of the questions I've heard tossed around in the news lately about this whole avian flu & mutation thing. After you watch it, you might be temped to challenge me with: "Are those numbers real?" and "Could that really happen?" I would answer: Absolutely. I was particularly manic on the flu episode to get the epidemiology & mathematics right.

As an added bonus, you might catch my name flying by in the credits after words like "Assistant Director," "Writer," and "Researcher."

Nov 13 schedule
Nov 19 schedule

checking myself in the central valley

The drive from LA to San Francisco crosses through some of the most foreign territory I have ever seen. I can more easily imagine myself living in a rainforest or a desert -- and I don't think it's (just) romanticism or ignorance. I've been to those places. Perhaps it is ignorance of the central valley. I simply can't imagine what I would do there. It is also an environment in which I expect the natives to be utterly, unmovably hostile to one of my kind. In my mind they believe things I can never support, they remain dogmatically closed-minded in the face of information. They will judge me. Perhaps because I enter their world with a bias written across my face, glinting off the nose ring. I judge them without knowing them. I remember the times I have tried to reach out and have had bibles thrown at my head -- (true story) -- and I take these episodes and extrapolate them unfairly across landscapes barely populated by people I've never met. In those times I always managed to find some way to communicate, have actually managed to find commonalities, but I came away exhausted, drained.

I do not want to be doing that much work as I head north to restart my life. At some point, even in a gas-sipping Tercel, it is necessary to exit my iPod-filled environment and venture out into a tiny slice of this world. A gas-station perched on the edge of it. A business catering to those of us who just pass through. A place where the workers really only talk to each other because they never expect to see any of us again. A world low on "regulars." ... or at least that's what I think. My liberal, mediating, diplomatic, one-world-lovin' self is wrapped tight in her stereotypes, pumping gas in the heat of the Central Valley. An enormous truck with tires half the size of my car pulls in, towing an aluminum motorboat. Looks like fishin' time. An older man materializes from the driver's side, dressed in camouflage with sunglasses and a hat pulled fairly low. The contrast between our vehicles is comical, but we're hooked in to the same pump, opposite sides. We both start for the handle of the windshield washer at the same time. I step back with a gesture saying "go ahead" and he startles me completely with a warm smile and a soft voice. He says, "No. No. You go ahead." And he means it. No taunting. Nothing but a big beaming smile and a gentlemanly moment. And I think I really have to check myself because that was totally unexpected. I have moved so far away from expecting goodness in this place that I was caught off guard. It is sad to be startled by a smile.

I finish and pass the squeegee on to him. I smile. He gives me another smile and a thanks. I am done, and I pull away, knowing he would still be there pumping gas into that tank for a while. Perhaps he thought about that, too, knowing he could wait. Or perhaps he's just a nice guy with a good smile and a sweet voice who was there to make me think a little.

idiot synchronous crazy

Bert's tagged me for my idiosyncrasies. This is a conversation that started after I was talking about a couple I know who revel in each others little quirks. It's interesting to think about the quirks you have that you don't really notice (because they're yours). Probably I wouldn't come up with the same list as anyone who dated me or lived with me. But, I was tagged, so here are the ones I can identify:

• My aversion to mayonnaise is just not normal. Especially considering that I'll eat just about anything else.
  
• Similar to Bert about keys... I usually hold my keys in my hand when closing the door to my house or car (even if I checked it a couple times on the way down the stairs) or at least I'll touch them or pat them as I close the door.
  
• When it rains, I crave ice cream.
  
• I'm afraid of jumping. Even if I'm only standing on a log and need to jump off it. Like a foot high or so. I'll do it, but my heart will pound. Climbing a 300 ft. wall is not a problem. Just the jumping.
  
• There are certain things that I feel can only be written down on paper with a pen. I've tried to switch to a computer, but it just keeps me from thinking.
  
• I prefer to eat food either with my fingers or with a spoon out of a bowl. I'll use a fork or chopsticks, but it's sometimes not as satisfying.
  
• Sometimes I just dance around by myself.
  
• I don't like to write with blue ink.
  
• I wash my hands a lot, particularly when I'm cooking. But it's not a germ thing. I just don't like the feeling of having gook on my hands.
  
• If I like a restaurant, I try to taste everything on the menu (unless something has mayonnaise... heh). I also tend to order combo plates.
  
• I like to practice eating and writing with my left hand. I've experimented with writing with my foot. I practice finding my way around with my eyes closed. Apparently I'm preparing for some major physical injury...
  
• When I'm by myself and thinking through things, sometimes I emphasize a decision or a realization by saying the last part out loud. Usually twice. (Not sure I should admit this)
  

I tag Koji for his idiosyncrasies. I know he's got 'em.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid"

Today: Sentences you don't hear/say everyday... but I do.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid."
"She was just calling to verify my mathematical model."
"Try seven days. There should be thousands dead at that point."
"Thing is, I have to figure out this terrorist plan by Monday."
"The poor macrophage is just implicated in all our scenarios."
"So how many people could you infect on the Tube?"
"I know. It's just walking that line between really scaring people and making sure it's actually accurate."

Really. I'm a nice person who is a pacifist. But I work in documentaries and these conversations are my life.

godwottery

From: A Word A Day
godwottery (god-WOT-uhr-ee) noun
1. Gardening marked by an affected and elaborate style.
2. Affected use of archaic language.
[From the line "A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot!" in a poem by Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897).]

I confess that I may sometimes be accused of godwottery... I happen to love archaic language. I revel in the specificity of certain words and in outdated (or no-longer-applicable) connotations. I very much enjoy learning words which were created for a specific purpose, to connotate a state or a thing that might otherwise have been overlooked or forgotten -- particularly, of course, if it also could suggest a particular feeling or moment in time. (More on the word "cenotaph" later...)

Sometimes the language that I love and use is not actually archaic, simply falling out of favor or fashion. I feel that I have a certain responsibility both to use the extensive vocabulary I inherited (and, admittedly, cultivated) and am also sad to watch words fall into some forgotten abyss. We have a living language, and part of life is death, but I grow so attached to some words...and even more attached to concepts which reflect a certain time or place.

English is fascinating for its breadth and flexibility. I enjoy the random and unexpected results when things grow wild. This is not to say there's anything wrong with a godwottery garden, just think of it when you next see an abundance of topiary and gnomes.

Choosing the Bay Area

...yeah... this is a pretty great place. I should be here.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

I know that I'm generally considered to be a good person to call for advice, someone who can help sort out issues, someone who has the occasional insight. I am, however, unable to call myself or to have insights about my own situation. OK, I know that's overstating it, but what logical insights I do have are fighting with the unreasonable desire to figure out that one thing that makes everything make sense so I can stop having this thought treadmill constantly running in my brain. It's just not that simple. And the world would be boring if it were.

I feel a bit as if I've just graduated from some kind of relationship school and am engrossed in classic post-college activities such as trying to (re)define myself, asking what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and crashing on people's couches/beds. Strange to do this so late in life, but my life is in constant renewal so who's to say what's late?

In the meanwhile, I am supremely grateful to my many wise and giving friends (including relatives who are also friends) who are willing to help me and who provide additional insights/reinforcements/reassurances. Some of the key ones that I need to keep in mind:

You don't need to figure out the rest of your life, you only need to figure out the next 6 months or a year.
Good point. Since when has anyone been able to truly predict what was going to happen for the rest of their lives? Since when have I even wanted to?

Wherever you decide to live it's not going backwards.
I have an unhealthy obsession with never feeling like I'm going backwards. Perhaps the unhealthy part is that I merge it with the feeling of staying still. This at the same time that I'd like to be a little bit more stable and coming off some serious nesting feelings is crazy-making. Location is important, but I decide what to make of that location.

If you've lived in many places and then recognize that one place was a great place, then returning there is a good thing.
Duh. Why is this so hard for me to keep in mind?

It's ok to take a little time for myself.
Yup. This is probably the hardest one for me to relax into... and the most important. Truth is, it's important no matter what's going on and that's probably the biggest lesson right now.

universal answer: the military can do that!

I'm disturbed by our dear President's desire to mobilize the military in case of an outbreak of the bird flu in the U.S. Beyond the fact that it does feel like he's asking for the power to call for martial law, beyond the reality that the military is stretched far beyond its resources both in people and money, and beyond the scariness of having a gun-loving bully in the most powerful political position on the planet, using the military to enforce a quarantine simply would not work. The truth of the flu is that a quarantine is ineffective because you're infectious to others before you realize you're sick. Basic epidemiology tells us that the focus should not be on quarantine or isolation, but should be on putting resources into developing a vaccine and in manufacturing more antivirals. Right now, my friends, the U.S. possesses enough to protect less than 1% of the population for the duration of a flu season. Just which 1% do you think will be chosen? I know you may have already done this, but perhaps it's time to encourage everyone to write to congress and stop just being outraged on the sidelines...

thinking... thinking...

Another little gap in time... Now I'm in Oakland after a couple weeks in San Diego. I've decided it's time for a self-transformation. This starts with trying to figure out where I want to be for the next 6 months or one year. I was hung up on trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life but that was stressing me out and my brother pointed out (wisely) that it was also unnecessary at this stage. So here I am now with a shorter time-frame and still no answers, but it feels more do-able. I'll add more later, but that's the start. Along with going to the gym again, planning on dancing again, and doing more things to make myself feel better. Spent the weekend up in Auburn with friends which was fabulous, but a bit odd since I was the only single person. These are also the folks I said a teary good-bye to only 2 months ago. It's been a long (albeit, in fact, short) weird time. Time to start writing again and doing more stuff where I actually prioritize myself. That's the first big part of the change.

ah... airports!

I'm currently sitting in the airport in Santiago, Chile, awaiting my evening flight to the U.S. I arrived from Argentina this morning. Ah... airports. How many things can I do in this airport? Particularly since I can't check in for another 4-5 hours and am relegated to the lobby. At least it's a lovely day in Chile and I can see the mountains all around. Very beautiful. Helped along by sampling more Chilean wine.

I'll drop a note about Buenos Aires in the very near future. Not having internet at home this week, I was not able to write while I was there, but the quick answer to your question is: yes, it's a wonderful city and I did love the tango, and yes, I survived the wacky Italian-Spanish-uniquely-Argentine accent and language structure (although I never once used "vos" myself). I danced enough tango to know that I need to dance more and to remember that I love dancing.

My teacher there was strongly encouraging me to move to B.A. and to teach English for a while while I continue to study Spanish. So another option has been added to the list. Nothing has emerged as a clear winner, but that's what my next few weeks are for I guess.

One other thing: I love being greeted by a kiss on the cheek. That everyone does it to everyone is just lovely.

Ciao, mi Escuela!

Today was my last day here at the school in Chile. I've finished my classes, but find I'm reluctant to actually leave the school. I suppose I have to go home to pack... I tried to change my return ticket yesterday but couldn't. Oh well. This has been great. Tonight out to the bars (por supuesto) and tomorrow off to explore some wineries. Then, finally, pack everything up and off to Argentina!

De Santiago

Dia por dia, mi español es mejor...

I realize I've never given you all a good picture of this place, so a little about Santiago:



Santiago is a huge urban zone. The people here are fantastic and very helpful everywhere I go. They take pride in being simpatico and consider it a national trait. The city is encircled by mountains which (in the past) made for a beautiful view from within most parts of the city. Unfortunately, now the city is among the top 5 most polluted cities in the world and it's rare to get a clear view of the snow-covered peaks -- unless it's the day after a rain. They don't generally get much rain, but this year is unusually wet so I've had many clearer days to see the range which cradles the city and I can tell you it's beautiful.

I knew Santiago was large, but was suprised to learn that there are 5.6 million people living here. I think people in the U.S. have a picture of Chile that is antiquated and folklore-ish. Or equate it with third-world countries and expect to pay very little. I didn't know what to expect and didn't read much of anything before I arrived. But contrary to the picture that many of us have of llama farmers living in the mountains (or whatever), I'm uploading this blog using the DSL line here at my house. Prices for goods are fairly comparable to the states (only a little lower) while prices for services are generally much lower. This translates into a high cost of living because salaries are not keeping pace with the prices of books, clothing, etc. On the plus side, this is all due to having a pretty stable economy and government (at least for a while).

Chile has had some ferocious earthquakes in the past. In California, earthquakes are measured in seconds. Here they last for minutes (as many as 4!) and are very intense. There are, consequently, few very tall buildings in Santiago and the city is sprawling. At least here (unlike LA), they have a fantastic public transportation system which goes all over the city. However, in the unwelcome-adventure category, you may have to board a moving bus if the driver doesn't feel like making a full stop. The drivers are paid by the fare so they try to get around as quickly as possible, picking up people who flag them down and not fully acknowledging certain inconveniences such as bus stops and crosswalks. The innumberable old buses also contribute mightily to the smog.

Vising Santiago 5 years from now could be radically different than today.The city/regional government is committed to addressing the polution issue, beginning with cleaning up the water of the river which runs through Santiago and replacing all the buses. After that, they are going to develop the area to create a more beautiful, picturesque and enticing (read: expensive) area of restaurants and parks bordering the river. It does sound very pretty and I'm sure it will be great. I haven't heard the other plans for the smog, but that can't be far behind. The mountains should be seen from the balcony of Neruda's house in the center of the city, just as they could be when his little boat-shaped lovenest, La Chascona, was built.

The history of Chile is rich in words, music and wine. In future blogs I'll add a little more about this, but know that a visit to Chile is greatly enriched by learning some about the history (political and cultural). Many things make more sense and mean more if you take a little time for this -- por supuesto.

I am here in the winter, which is rarely the right time to visit any city. I'm told that I need to come back in the spring and I agree that I must. I am eager to hike the mountains and explore the many glaciers and volcanoes here. Chile very nearly runs the entire span of the southern hemisphere and it seems a shame to only visit 1 region of the 12. They also have a fabulous coastline which is far finer in the sun than in the rain.

...besides, my trip was ill planned and I'm missing the country's largest fiesta: September 18. If you want to party for a week solid or so, come to Chile then for a massive outporing of national pride and an endless pouring of chicha and pisco. Then ski your way into the beginning of spring. If I could change my ticket, that's what I'd do...

[Photo by Robert Shaw. Cool guy. Good photographer.]

Very quick addition before I head out for another salsa class...
The family breaks out in song! (there are 2 movies here)

Learning more than just Spanish

Started my second set of classes this week (new teacher: Leo) and we learned the past tense. Yippeee! Although it was novel to speak and think only about present and future, it's been darn inconvenient when trying to answer complex questions such as "how was your day?" and "what did you eat for dinner?"

In the afternoon today, Samanta (my tutor) showed me photos of various famous people and then asked me to talk about them, what they've done, etc., to practice making sentences and speaking in the past tense. One of the photos was of Nelson Mandela and one was of Paris Hilton. I had a lot to say about Mandela (of course) and I didn't even recognize Paris Hilton. Samanta said that her students by and large fall into two categories: those who can talk about Mandela and those who can talk about Paris Hilton. Then we talked about how she thought it was strange and sad that everyone in Chile recognizes Paris Hilton and know a lot about her -- even though neither of us could answer the question: "What have been her significant achievements?" I decided that it was simply being able to get her name so well known without having done much of anything.

Then we fell back into talking about culture, politics and poetry. I love my afternoon classes. I'm going to have the most esoteric Spanish...

Snowboarding in the Andes!

Eski!
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Not too much energy to write after a major individual tutoring session... For practice reading, my tutor brought in some information about the state of the HIV epidemic and the prevention/treatment efforts in various countries throughout Latin America. It was cool, but a little tiring.

My whole body aches a bit from the boarding on Saturday. Achy in a good way. Now I can say I've boarded in the Andes which is very cool. I even almost managed to pull off a few turns without falling over!

Yesterday I went to Pablo Neruda's third house, the one here in Santiago. That man was eccentric and fabulous. The house was great. I'd love to live in a house designed to feel like a ship. I bought a book of his "essential" poems that's in both English and Spanish and am excited to read them. I'll write more about him in the future.

I'm loving the fact that this is so much more than just a language course. I'm learning quite a bit about Chile through my classes and am loving this country even more as a result!

If you want to see more photos, just click on the pic.

Today we skiied & boarded. Very fun -- although I managed to break my binding so I spent the second half of the day entirely on my heelside and now my calves are insanely tight. We're really spoiled in California with the quality of our mountains for skiing. I knew this, but to have a very good snowboarder from Boston be so completely amazed with this resort was a good reminder; he'd never seen a mountain before. Any. Ever. Our lives have been different...

I came home to much conversation con mi familia aca, some homework and red wine with dinner. I fully intended to upload some photos for you all, but it's not going to happen. Estoy tuto (it's a Chileno term for "passing out" used for over tired children). Mañana voy a poner las fotografias aqui.

Today I learned the future tense, but not the past. This is a problem for a blog, where nearly everything is in the past... but this is my lesson for today. The past is inaccessible so I have to look to the future.

Este noche, mis companeros y yo vamos a los bars, y en la manana vamos a esquiar. Whoo hoo!

I have to second one of Bert's posts: If you're feeling unpopular or unfeminine (por ejemplo, if your boyfriend dumps you saying that you're just a buddy), then you should go salsa dancing where there are more guys than gals. Even more, you should get your butt on a plane and go dancing in Latin America. Last night bailo mucho y felt muy bonita! But boy did it work me. Today my legs are sore... It's been a long time since I've danced... That will change. I think I'm going to reclaim my dancing self. I liked her.

The warmth of the people here is astonishing. I feel as if I've been adopted by my family here and every Chileno I've met is friendly. I met two boys from France who've been here for over a month and they say that's how Chilenos are; I'm not having an unusual experience.

My classes are going well and my family is complimenting me with how well I'm doing. I have to stop speaking English (and writing it), but 1) most of you can't read Spanish, and 2) I'm frustrated with only knowing the present tense. I'm starting to communicate better, but I know that it's still such an odd way of speaking. Ah well. Only 3 days so far. Let's see what happens.

Hoy, it's clear & warming up. It's probably temporary, but it's nice since I don't have too much in the way of warm clothing here. I was trying to look nice, but my only non-sandal shoes are hiking boots or my nice boots which are not really comfy enough for all day (although they were ok for salsa!) It was also beautiful walking to school today. I could see the snow-topped mountains that ring this city. Hoy dia es muy lista.

Mi clase in Espanol es muy bueno. Aprendo mucho cada dia. Pero, uh... I´m stuck in the present tense y no tengo multos palabras. I know it´s only day 2, but I´m impatient.

In general, this is a great thing for me to do right now. Something positive for myself and also very absorbing. Only bummer is when we were practicing out loud today and el profesor asked me two questions in a row: "In what city is your house?" and "How many boyfriends do you have?"

I considered making up a story before I came here and not talk about reality with anyone, but that seemed like so much work. I´m weak. I've decided instead to only reveal a little and appear more like a slacker than anything. "no, I have no job, no house, no boyfriend, never been married, no kids. No real plans. Don´t know what I´m doing next." Leave it at that. Maybe someone will think I´m some rich spoiled kid...

Tonight: Baile! I´m excited for that. Dancing is always a release for me and I haven´t danced in too too long.

Now I´m in Chile and I´m loving it. I´m staying with a family here and only one speaks English well so I´m having to learn quickly -- which is what I¨m here for. They´re so warm and loving. It´s fantastic. Mom and Grandma just finished teaching me how to cook a Chilean specialty, Papas Rellenos. I tried to make one myself and it was tough. But all fun since I was speaking only in Spanish with them.

The city of Santiago is much larger than I thought: 5.6 million people. Yesterday I hiked to the top of San Cristobal and had great views of the city all the way up. It´s ringed by mountains, many of which still have snow on them. Good skiing is only 1 hour away from the heart of the city and ít´s not too pricey by U.S. standards. Everyone I meet here is so friendly! It already feels like a great place for me to be, and I´ve only been here for a day!

Radical change of plan. Two weeks ago, instead of getting on a plane and moving to Austria, I was dumped. Not a fun time, but that's ok.

Instead, today I'm getting on plane for Chile. Off to study Spanish! Stay tuned for word from the Southern Hemisphere.

a new nephew!

a new nephew!
Originally uploaded by cianna.

More photos

A few days ago, a reporter in the New York Times who's been covering the crisis in Darfur received a letter from a man in Oregon. In the letter, he asked why America should care about Darfur, particularly when there are so many things going on in the U.S. that are not getting enough attention.

The reporter responded by personalizing the issue, creating a story about one woman in the crisis and then saying that she's only one of many.

I expect that this is not enough to sway the man in Oregon.

I had a very complex reaction to the letter. I agree that there are many issues in the U.S. which need attention. Desperate attention. Both mental and monetary attention. I also feel strongly that we should care about what's happening in the rest of the world, and that there is something to be said for using our internationally strong position (both politically and monetarily--but not militarily so much) to help in times of crisis... But I don't think this would be enough for the Oregonian either.

So... The best way to respond is perhaps from a position of American self-interest, since that seems to be the driving force behind so many actions these days. Or, actually, I'd like to re-introduce the idea of reciprocity into this debate. As explained by philosopher Michael Taylor, "Each individual act in a system of reciprocity is usually characterized by a combination of what one might call short-term altruism and long-term self-interest: I help you out in the (possibly vague, uncertain, and uncalculating) expectation that you will help me out in the future. Reciprocity is made up of a series of acts each of which is short-run altruistic (benefiting others at a cost to the altruist), but which together typically make each participant better off."

It seems that at one point much of American society operated largely on a system of reciprocity. Tocqueville noted it as a cornerstone of American democracy. A cornerstone I believe we have removed and dropped into some piece of landfill somewhere.

So why should we help out on anything happening in Africa? If we took our role as global stewards seriously (not a God-given role, just a practical end-result of having more of lots of things than just about anyone), then I think we should turn our attention to eliminating disparities around the world. All types of disparities: economic, health and political. Were we to approach the world from this standpoint, then resentments of our "freedoms" and our economic position would necessarily be chipped away. These resentments are the foundation of so much anti-American feeling globally that I think it's ridiculous to ignore them. I was always taught that to deal with the symptom and not the disease was short-sighted.

I would tell the man in Oregon that taking care of Africa helps to reduce the global burden of poverty, and that that is good for everyone in the world. Africa -- a continent currently struggling under the weight of painfully high rates of HIV, TB and malaria, a continent daily under the siege of civil wars and genocide -- Africa is still a continent which provides the rest of the world with many natural resources, with diamonds, with oil, with awe-inspiring athletes, with brilliant politicians and musicians... If we help Africa elevate itself, then down the line the continent could become a source of so much more. It was once the "cradle of civilization." Why should we think it can not rise up again?

If we truly took reciprocity to heart, this behavior would not just extend internationally, but would also be turned domestically. Were we to universally elevate the education and health levels throughout the country, then I am confident that less money would be spent on jails and emergency rooms. That's taxpayer money that could be redistributed for the good of society as a whole.

So I guess that really my answer to the man in Oregon is not that we should care about Africa, but that we should not be drawing lines. Today's society is not insular, it's global. And a global society built on reciprocity is one in which I would like to live.

I'm starting to think that the phrase "I'm living vicariously through you" is one of the most sad and painful things to hear. It smacks of regret, inaction, unrealized hopes, loss of hope. I've heard it twice recently, each time from a woman who has much to look forward to. Once it was directed towards me from a woman who is about to get married and who is about to go back to school, and once directed towards a friend of mine by a woman who is recently married and currently pregnant.

I don't know why it's bothering me so much. It's not a compliment to me. It's said as a joke, and a way of saying that my friend and I are each doing interesting and exciting things (which we are), but somehow I just want to stop them from even joking like that. That kind of comparison and regret cannot make people happy. And that bothers me.

Whoo! Very excited! I'm waiting for the shuttle to take me to the airport so I can get on a plane and go to Austria. Yippee! I get to add to my "where I've been" map:



create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

...and I get to see Troy!
Now let's see how my German holds up.

My friend's brother is John of John & Lisa. They're trying to win The Ultimate Country Wedding. It feels kinda goofy, but it would be super cool for them!

I am seriously missing my Wacom Tablet. I dropped the stylus about a week ago or so and it stopped working. Since then I've been back using a mouse or just the trackpad (mostly a mouse) and now my hand is buzzing along my pinky and side of my palm, and I'm getting that fatigue along the top of my hand again along with the tightness up my arm. That's seriously so fast I'm amazed. Granted, I'm on the computer almost every waking moment right now, but that's not so unusual. I cannot believe how much my hand is affected and also how distracting it is.

I know I've talked a lot of people into getting these pads and now I have another story to add to the list. I should start working for them.

Buried in Books

my bookshelf
Originally uploaded by cianna.

...uh... can you believe this is my reading right now? And it's only really the latest round of books and none of the journal articles. I feel like I've been getting a large part of some advanced degree... the part after all the foundational lessons that help you to understand what's coming next. And the part that doesn't actually let me get a piece of paper and a related research job.

I'm having conversations with major honchos at CDC, NIH, Pasteur, etc. that I can't believe myself.

Right now as the researcher, I'm in charge of ensuring that the science that we have in the show (which is at the molecular level of 7 different diseases!) is correct. And then as the archival researcher, I find footage for each show. Then, to wrap it all up, I'm annotating our scripts to show where I/we got all the information from.

I'm tired.

Did anyone else hear this story on NPR: Electronic Anklets Track Asylum Seekers in U.S.?? I cannot believe this is happening! I'm getting flashes of the Third Reich, 1984, and the Handmaid's Tale all at once in my head and that is no fun. Electronic anklets are the mark of seriously dangerous criminals. So now we're criminalizing immigrants who legally apply to remain in the states? Yeah. That's a good idea.

I'm getting sick just thinking about this.

I can't believe that I'm living in the land of freedom. The land of truth and justice. The earth is going to open up and swallow the Statue of Liberty. And we'd deserve it.

Snow? Am I in LA?

Snow? Am I in LA?
Originally uploaded by cianna.

I'm thinking that I might have to revise some of my ideas about LA. I mean, people here told me I could be on the slopes in an hour and half, but I didn't really expect to be able to see snow from downtown LA. I confess I don't really expect to see nature at all from down there, but there it was looming in front of me as I drove in the wee hours of the morning to Victorville, a forgotten place of chain restaurants, malls, and a decommissioned air force base where we filmed last week.

Siezing a Pink's opportunity

A rare scene at Pink's
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Twelve inches of rain in seven days. This is (or was) a desert. Over 100 years ago, this area saw some similar weather, but not since. Amidst the 200 foot wide sinkholes, the complete submersion of the 101 freeway, and rapidly disappearing hillsides, I caught this rare view of a local landmark: Pink's Hotdogs with no line! It was 5:30 in the evening, too, generally high time for a Lord of the Rings Dog (a hotdog with onion rings and barbecue sauce) or the new Harry Potter Dog (I think it's chili, nacho cheese, and grilled onions on a polish dog...?). Yes, I did have to pull over (and got a spot in the small lot!), and grabbed a more traditional Chili Cheese Dog accompanied by some of the best fries the world has ever known. That would be, of course, either this world or another populated by wizards...

When I moved in, I joked that I couldn't believe I found one of the only second floor apartments in LA... It was a bummer when I was carrying all my boxes of books up the stairs, but it's pretty excellent during this unbelievable rain. The amount of rain doesn't seem out of control for Northern California, but LA definitely can't handle it. The street in front of my work was flooded. There are a few sinkholes, and a lot of houses sliding. Everywhere the traffic is tied up, lots of accidents, and whole sections of the freeway underwater. It's pretty amazing. I feel lucky to be dry and warm.

Did you hear about the bombings in the Philippines today? I'm a little flipped out. I'm only a little worried that my family might have been injured. I'm more worried about my friends. But what really gets to me is the thought that the Philippines just can't shake this violence. It's a country that has so much to offer -- and had even more in the past. Its literacy rate at one point was somewhere around 90%. The islands are gorgeous and rich in natural resources. The location for shipping is ideal (part of the reason they kept getting colonized). The people are friendly and diverse. The southern islands are even protected from typhoons! But corruption, a history of being treated as ane exploitable resource by foreign imperialists, and an entrenched class system do not help. And these extremists besmirch the name of Islam and help to keep the country in a reactive and desperate state.

Add to this the news of a highly virulent multiply drug resistant strain of HIV, and I'm having a hard time of it right now. Robert Gallo says we shouldn't worry too much, that the new strain doesn't appear to be transmissable, but knowing how this virus mutates, it's kinda only a matter of time.

In both cases I'm having fears of returning to the 80s. Lots of people died and it was all no fun. I'm not really able to imagine going through that again.

Yeah!!! Spoke with Troy today for the first time since he arrived in Vienna. Let's hear it for voice chat on Yahoo messenger!! Troy said it was even clearer than when he used a landline there to call a bank in San Francisco. Gotta love that. And the fact that it's free!

This does, of course, only increase my dependence on the web, further reinforced by my studying both German and Teaching English as a Foreign Language online.

But then, you all are reading this online, so you're at least partially in the same camp.

Sake House

Sake House
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Last night actually took myself out to dinner at Sake House Miro on La Brea. Very fun little sushi place that claims it's real Tokyo style, and I buy it based on my 3 days in Tokyo. Yum!

Tonight went out for Filipino food with a coworker. After chatting with a friend in London today I'm thinking I need to get as much of this food as I can before I leave for Austria. Darn!

Phew! Just got back from Sacramento where I presented my big HIV document. I was fully prepared for the group to be angry with me just because they weren't involved in selecting me as a writer and because I made such radical changes in the document... but they were actually really happy! That's such a huge relief. Another draft to go, but all is well in the HIV writing world for me tonight.

Dump those U.S. coins!

IMG_0265
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Yesterday Troy dumped his last U.S. coins... very happily!

Today he left for Vienna. Kinda odd to think about, but he's very excited. Now I just have to figure out how to get there myself.

Gettin' Glammed

Gettin' Glammed
Originally uploaded by cianna.

Yesterday they used me as an extra for the TB episode. Here I am with a professional makeup artist making me look all girly. I'm wearing boots and skirt, too! You can't see the shirt, though, since I'm still wearing my sweatshirt to keep it clean.

So this helicopter crash wasn't important enough for Bush to mention in his press conference this morning? If I were related to any of the marines who died, I'd be livid. As it is, I just feel slightly ill every time I hear W talk.

Studying German in the mornings... Using RosettaStone.com. It's very cool! Thanks, Paul for turning me on to it!

I'm currently sitting at the Apple Store in the Grove. Waiting for my turn at the "Genius Bar." I'm glad they have a wireless network so I can keep myself busy.

Life feels really nutty at the same time it's strangely empty. I'm working a lot at Arcwelder, working on a big HIV writing project, and generally not much else. I talk to Troy via yahoo chat or IM, or by phone if he can find a signal. Life feels oddly like I'm waiting. Some of it is me preparing (studying German, trying to get future writing projects, reading about Austria), and that's an odd place to be.

I'm a little worried about getting work in Austria. And not at all sure how this whole "documentary career" is going to happen.

At some point I have to get my feet back in contact with the earth. I must remember the fabulous time we had clambering around in Carlsbad Caverns on New Year's Day. Somehow crawling through the mud, squeezing through small passages in the rock, and working my way down a crevasse with arms and legs spanning the gap -- and doing it all with Troy -- was just the most excellent thing.

In entirely other news... I have another nephew on the way!

That's it! Troy got his work permit from the Austrian government today so he has perhaps 2 more weeks in the U.S. Whew! Then it's off to Vienna! For those of you who actually use the blog to keep up, I'll post more details about the crazy last couple of months here soon. I do have internet now at home (finally) so I can post.