It's the day to make some resolutions.
-- write at least 3 times a week
-- drink lots of water
-- stay in contact with friends
-- do something physical every day
-- take more film classes
-- cook more

My goals for this year:
-- finish at least one documentary
-- become the consultant I want to be: efficient, reliable, thoughtful
-- lead a 5.8 trad route in Yosemite this summer
-- create one pop-up book
-- learn either basic Spanish or basic Tagalog (both would be great, but that's not realistic)

Just updated my resume and put my "alternate resume" online, too. Trying to be more serious about doing this video thing in the next year. Decided it was important to remember the amount of theater work I've done. I wonder if there are things I've forgotten. At least now I have a basic accounting of what I've been up to.

Otherwise, continuing the process of packing up my house. I'm being excrutiatingly slow about it.

oh, and here's a more recent photo of Tyler:

Concsiously making my mood turn around. I'm now packing, listening to funny stories on NPR, and just generally trying to think of positive things. Thoughts of New Years Resolutions and overall planning are of course bouncing around in my head. I think this is going to be the "get off my duff" year. I know I've been doing things, but I'm not doing enough. Time to check things off my "to do someday" list.

Just finished a fabulous book, "Word Freak" by Stefan Fatsis. It's ostensibly about the world of competitive Scrabble, but becomes more interesting than that since it's really about his own descent into obsession. Being obsessed with obsessives, it definitely worked for me.

It also made me want to get a Scrabble board and get immersed. Don't think I would ever be able to play KNURS or have a chance at even seeing LIAISES, but now the idea of learning the strategy of the game is intriguing. And being comfortable with some odd words, like QAT, are fully within the realm of possibility.

Audrey suggested that I can see it as a good thing that a couple of major bad things have happened to me recently... as opposed to having each of them happen separately with some time inbetween, thereby ruining more days because the yuk would be drawn out.

Julia asked me if the speed at which I try to solve problems and resolve unresolved issues, what can be seen as something akin to impatience, could contribute to my general inability to have a relationship.

Both insightful good points. Things that I should pay attention to. I still feel like crap.

major breaks between blog posts... currently in the storm before the calm, I believe. Things are wildly emotionally unstable. Some things excellent, some horrid. It's better than all horrid, I suppose, but it's exhausting. I feel like taking a nap and waking up in January in my new apartment.

quick post: I got an apartment!!! So excited. Less rent and more fabulousness. That's an equation I can live with. I was almost thinking that I shouldn't hold out for something that had all of what I was looking for, but then it showed up. Phew! So on the 1st of the year I get to start over.

Time to think of some resolutions to go along with this whole new start thing.

But right now it's time for bed.

hmmm... should I go back to school next year? should I study documentary video? I'm doing really well in the HIV consulting field and am just getting to a good place with it... keep going? If I decide to go to school, it's a bummer to move now and sign a one-year lease starting in December... on the other hand, I'm not crazy about staying in this place for another 9 months and I could save for school by moving... or I could pin all my hopes on Berkeley and move to the East Bay... aaaarrrghhhh!

At least I'm clear that I have to start doing more in the world of documentaries. Nice to have one thing clear. How I'll do it is a little murky, but that's the next phase of planning.

And I'm paid to be a planner, right? I'm supposed to be good at this...

The FDA has approved the "rapid testing" HIV kit! The possibilities here are mind-blowing. There's a lot of work to be done to make this successful. There's the potential for major impact on what we know and how we handle this epidemic. I'm reeling trying to figure out what we have to prepare for. Phew!

This morning I'm sick and I'm listening to election results. Not a great combination for my mental state, I'm sure. I'm feeling a little hopeless about the future of this country in the short-term -- worried about the impact of the next 2 years on the long term. My work, helping agencies prepare for major changes and strategically plan out their future, becomes quite in demand in times like these. Oddly, my personal job market improves as the outlook is grim. I'd rather have the opposite happen, and be called in to figure out the best way to improve services, not save services. Between the Republican control over the federal government and the passage of Prop N here, I'm very very worried about the increased strain on our service sector. I'm afraid of more people not getting the help they need to survive. I'm feeling a little escapist right now and may curl up with my tissues and book in my bed for a while -- before coming back out and trying to do some concrete work.

One really concrete thing you can do: Help an adult learn how to read. Low literacy is a major contributor to so many other poverty-related problems. Even if you don't have any money, if you have a little time, you can help someone gain confidence and skills by teaching them to read.

OK. Time to go mope for a while.

Got back from La Boheme a little while ago. Loved loved loved it. I may not be the most impartial judge, though, because I have an art crush on Baz Luhrmann... meaning that I'm completely crushed out on the art, but not on the artist. (A distinction I have learned to make through life experience, particularly with one painter -- also called trial and error). I also happen to be not much of a purist or preservationist and so am a big fan of trying to update classics, especially when it's done to make a piece more relevant and to bring in new audiences into the art form. So if you don't agree with that for starters, I understand how his work might not work for you. For me it's all a spectacular spectacular!

Paul sent me this article on the new Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, and I'm delighted to know that "ass-backwards" has made it in, as well as "spokesmodel" and "dilithium crystal." I'm not sure how I feel about the phrase "body dismorphic disorder," but I guess it's an outcropping of our "identity politics" movements (a phrase I know very well). I am curious about the story behind the phrase "bunny boiler" (a woman who is vindictive after having been spurned by her lover)... on second thought, maybe I don't want to hear that story. But nothing beats the fact that "up to eleven" is now in there! Spinal Tap will live on!

--cianna, who's now waiting for the inclusion of the phrase "as if" because she's interested in hearing the definition

I must confess a certain level of excitement about the current word, "illeist." I have been an illeist signator for ages, amused by letting people know a little addiitonal information or cracking a bit of a joke at the end of an email. I never knew the word for someone who did anything like that. So today I'm a bit thrilled.

--cianna, who is quite a nerd at times, but enjoys it.

like diagonal pedestrian crossings, I also really love turning left on red (from one-way to a one-way). Something that feels illegal but isn't.

Had an excellent day with Tyler today. Will post photo or two if they warrant it. More to come.

i seem to be constantly craving caffeine. i think i may be craving being awake and excited.

...definitely a little dispirited and exhausted by my work right now. I'm looking forward to wrapping up a contract or two so that I can focus better. I was recently asked what was up with the book that I'm writing... Made me frustrated because I have not been able to work on it at all. Not even able really to start [resisting the dangling participle but that sounded weird] the research that I have to do for it. Sometime. I dream of a time that I make enough money that I have some saved, that I don't panic about the rent, that I'm caught up with the IRS, and that I have enough time to do some of the projects that I've laid out for myself. Dreams. Yes, I dream of being able to do more work, not of being able to do no work. I just can't picture myself spending a tremendous amount of time lying around... I've got way too much to do for that.

OK. So I'm a doting aunt and really what I want to show you is my nephew. So here's Tyler!



I'm all excited that I get to see him again next week! I have a Tyler day on Tuesday. Yippeee!

oops. I guess I have to clean up my room, huh? Way too much in his reach right now.

Now possible for me to post images, so I thought I'd share my favorite catch from my mullet hunt on Pride Day:


too bad you can't read the poster in the background...it reads "Gay Shame!"

Tonight I'm:

-- feeling pain in my ankle after tonight's tango class (injured it rock climbing last year)
-- looking at websites to decide on new equipment for diving
-- trying to plan out the documentaries I'm supposed to be working on
-- figuring out how to get started making a new pop-up book
-- debating whether or not to go on a swing-dancing weekend
-- still doing some work (at midnight!) on a strategic plan for an arts nonprofit
-- planning a time to get to my aunt's house to fix her computer
-- feeling like I haven't been doing much, while knowing that's not really true
-- sipping a little Maker's Mark on the rocks
-- laughing at the idea that I'm supposed to be slowing down "at my age"

...in contrast to yesterday...

I found myself telling people that I completed the certification. I thought a lot about what we learned. I described the steps of different rescues to a couple people who were interested. Weirdly, even without doing it again, my confidence level about my own abilities are increasing. Now to physically practice a bit more...

Diver! I can help you! Are you ok?

I am now a certified rescue diver. I sincerely hope no one around me needs mouth-to-mouth resucitation in the water or otherwise needs serious help from me until I get to practice these skills some more. I do take this stuff seriously, but the PADI certification system for certs below the level of divemaster seem a little sketchy at times. At least I took the course with a group that all feels like they want to practice some more and we're going out on dives periodically together so I will get a chance to.

This group also wants to join me on a trip to the Philippines in March. I am very excited to go with other divers and head back to the spots that I wasn't fully able to explore before since I was not as experienced as I am now. However, I watch the news nervously, somewhat expecting that the troubles in Zamboanga are going to spill out over the rest of Mindanao -- particularly Davao. Reinforced my decision not to go back for Christmas -- if they're targeting Christians & Americans the holiday season seems to be potentially quite bad for me (and others) to visit. I don't usually make decisions like that, but this time the bombings seem to be in escalation mode.

However, March is a ways away and I can pin my hopes on that. Will be nice to dive in warm water again!

a weekend in the 'burbs

This weekend I remembered:
--I find washing a car really satisfying (when you have a hose and driveway to use)
--How easy it is to come home and take laundry out of the dryer
--It's fun to play with a dog
--What it's like to sit in a hot tub looking at the stars
--That it's easier to sleep when there are no sirens or yelling drunk people
--How it feels to walk out your front door and like the smell

My weekend in the suburbs (house/dogsitting for my parents) was a nice break. I don't think I could take the isolation full time, but it was nice to think about.

I love San Francisco

Tonight had a great & fun dinner at Vino with my aunt and my cousin. The dinner was good, our conversation was good, and the waiter/ piano player/ host/ improvisational drummer was FABULOUS! At first, with his abrupt and nearly unintelligible command for us to sit at the open tables near the piano, I though he was brusque, rude, promising an unpleasant evening. He then shifted us from there to a regular dining table on the main floor (3 steps down and less than 10 tables total), and his manner made us laugh and think he was just odd. As the evening wore on, more of his personality displayed itself. First he took our orders so quickly, it surprised us. We realized how accustomed we had become to waiters suggesting an appetizer, a drink, etc. This guy (named "Castro Ascarrunz" I learned from the review) simply wanted to bring us only what we asked for. Surprising and somewhat refreshing. Then, after our food was served, he sat down and played a few pieces on the piano. A rather eclectic collection of Bach pieces followed by "Memories" from Cats, and a couple classical standards that I couldn't name. Still later one of the pieces of background music apparently worked for him and he started playing playing drums with a couple of pens on the edge of the bar and some wine bottles. A few regulars arrived and bursts of conversation flew across tables to the bar and the kitchen. The ultimate for us, however, was right at the end. A mambo is playing over the speakers, Castro pulls out one of those ratchety percussion instruments whose name I always forget, then grabs a pair of drumsticks and plays a little solo on the espresso machine, then on the bar, then on the collection of bar bottles. His grin was totally infectious and we just all started laughing.

I think I have to go back. Especially since, in addition to all this fun, the food was very good and very reasonably priced. What a city.

my mind is scattered. trying to figure out how I want to live my life. Making decisions about that in advance is not my strong suit -- which is funny since I'm regularly hired for my planning abilities, able to help others visualize their futures for 3-5 years. I need a planner to help me figure out my own stuff. Biggest problem, really, is that I don't like feeling as if I'm cutting off options. This approach has worked well for me so far, in that I've experienced and learned all kinds of very cool things because I leave myself open to taking possibilities when they come up. (I truly feel that we are all offered a lot of options, but we frequently don't recognize them, or haven't set ourselves up in a way that lets us take advantage of them). Need to start doing a little scenario planning, SWOT analyses, pro/con lists or something to organize my thoughts and set priorities. Use my own tools.

My environment an external barometer of the state of my head... currently my room is an utter disaster.

feeling a little overwhelmed, thought about the word overwhelm, about the word underwhelm, wondered if you could just be whelmed? looked it up in the dictionary. Apparently whelm means: to engulf, to submerge, to overwhelm. That's ridiculous. Since when does a word mean an extension of itself?

OK. I've taken on a new project. (I know you're not surprised). I'm now not only able to capitalize on my 12 years of HIV prevention experience/thinking, but I'm also using my past 2 years of organizational development and capacity building training. I had no idea how much I was going to learn when I agreed to be a lead consultant for an HIV agency for 3 years. I knew that I didn't know what I needed to know. I knew that I needed support to make it possible. And I knew that I was going to be able to learn it all but needed to do that as quickly as possible. CompassPoint has been an amazing support for me, allowing me to learn on the job in a really intense situation. I'm still way behind on my reading about management strategies, effective communications, cross-cultural strategies, board development, etc.

So I'm now trying to figure out what HIV agencies need (1) to be effective when implementing a prevention for positives program, (2) to remain stable and in business if there's a major funding cut, and (3) to avoid significant leadership and staffing turnovers. Each of these will be distributed kind-of widely. Like throughout California. So I'm feeling excited and nervous and like my brain is definitely firing all neurons at once. It's a massive electrical storm up there.

Thinking I might have to move after all. Thinking it would be nice to be more financially solvent and have some savings. Thinking that it would be nice to unpack somewhere. Thinking that I'm getting tired of moving.

Extra annoyance this morning that now the tub is blocked up and not draining. Add this to the freezer that isn't sealing right so everything in there gets a nice frost. My landlord feels that he keeps this place in "excellent condition" thereby justifying the high rent. I beg to differ.

I really don't want to have to move. Ick.

Today's revelation: I'm not as independent as I thought

I've always considered myself pretty independent, and certainly my friends think so as well. Today, precipitated by having to say goodbye to my brother and his family (who are moving to San Diego), I realized that I have actually never lived apart from my family. This was a shock to me. I talk to others who see their families all the time and I think it's amazing, but the truth is that I'm one of those people. I went to college on the east coast, and was within 1/2 hour of my father's family. While I didn't know them really, they were still family and I had somewhere to go if I so chose. When I left for a year, I went to the Philippines to live with my family there. And here, my father is only 1/2 hour away, my aunt is not even 4 miles from my house, and my brother is (was) also a short bike/bus/car trip away. And I see them all at least once a month if not more often than that.

I have to make many revisions to my picture of myself it seems.

Just returned from the US Conference on AIDS. I always get emotional at these conferences. Some of it is happiness at seeing the work that's happening around the country. Much of it is frustration or anger at the ever-diminishing funds, exhaustion at having to explain basic things over and over, despondency at seeing the interconnectedness of all poverty-related issues and not knowing how to extract us from this downward spiral. Then there's awe at the power and passion of the people who do this work... this last almost makes me cry. I get so worked up listening to these people speak, hearing how much they care, feeling the pain behind their anger, the love behind their jokes. It's a rejuvenating and depressing thing to attend an AIDS conference. Not in ways that I think people outside the industry would guess at. But there's a certain level of community here, and I belong to it in a way.

One plenary speaker asked people who had been working in the AIDS field for over 10 years to stand, and I had to stand with a few hundred others. And the people (mostly youth) at my table applauded. Applauded me. It was a little overwhelming to think about doing this for that long. I also know that I have not been front-line for that long... that I did not have the strength of many of the others who were standing. Not to diminish my own work -- Just to demonstrate the amazement that I have for so many who are in this field. This is exhausting work. It's not just work on a disease; it's social justice work. It's about combatting all kinds of discrimination, dealing with a hostile administration, finding ways to get people basic things like education and health care and housing. It's amazing that so many of us -- so many who might be unlikely to be allies -- would do this for so long.

I think of myself as somewhat (or very) scattered. But there are ways in which I show my staying power.

OK, I'm a big fan of Legos. In fact I nearly drove off the road when I saw a sign for "Legoland" -- see, I'd never heard of Legoland before. I just saw the sign on the side of the freeway when I was driving to San Diego, and cut across 4 lanes of traffic to get off at the next exit, pull up to the parking attendant and ask (rather excitedly) "What IS Legoland?!" I then ran around there for a little while and was insanely impressed by the model builders there.

I also am a big fan of the internet (duh!), significantly because I have a fascination with obsessionists and they're out in abundance online. Lego obsessionists do, of course, have a number of websites, primarily ones which feature their own models. Today, I may have seen the best of all these, LegoDeath: a museum of horrors.

Another consultant just sent this "poverty tour" to me. It's really striking. Go visit.

This is fabulous. Paul told me a about this intelligent robot making a break for it. Paul feels a certain compassion for robots. They do a lot of our work and we don't even say thanks, sometimes even forgetting about them. They're out there, rolling inside volcanoes, spinning through space and crawling along ocean floors, diligently gathering information for us and we don't even remember their names...

I decided to refrain from the 9/11 reflections. Enjoyed the media analysis on various sites, perused the onion and salon. Mostly decided that I needed to do more of the save-the-world stuff (a.k.a. nonprofit work) I'm engaging in daily and then wind up the day with a long conversational dinner with close friends.

Just finished an amazing book that I had never heard anything about, which I picked up on a whim after reading the first page. I love it when that happens. "Kissing In Manhatten" by David Schickler. It's his first novel. He creates beautiful screwed-up achingly lonely characters who somehow meet up in configurations that work for only them. That might be enough, but his writing style matches the precise and unpredictable nature of their lives. It's such a joy just to read how he hears words.

Sample:

The guests arrived at midnight. It was only a Tuesday, and not even Christmas yet, but spirits were high. Like Patrick most of the men had packed themselves into suits, and they swept into the apartment bearing bottles of Old Grand-dad for their host. James sat on the couch, nursing the same beer he'd held for an hour, watching the cast of the next two weeks take shape. There was Henry Shaker, who worked at FAO Schwarz and who had one giant, united eyebrow. Wrapped in a white scarf that he refused to remove was Tony DiPreschetto, the suprisingly down-to-earth cellist, and with him was Jeremy Jax, a crabby actor. Two Iranian gentlement sat beside James on the couch. They ate Toblerone chocolate and wouldn't reveal their names.

And that first page?

Donna didn't want to meet Checkers. It didn't seem right.

"Checkers? What kind of a name for a man is Checkers?"

"He's strange," admitted Lee.

Lee and Donna sold Manhattan real estate. They were in their early thirties. They shared an office on Bleecker Street.

"Checkers." Donna tried it on her tongue. "Checkers. Checkers."

"He's attractive," said Lee.

"Checkers is a name for a dog. Or a henchman." Donna stared at her computer screen. Listed on it were SoHo prices.

"He's strange but attractive," said Lee.

"A henchman in a movie." Donna wore a suit and important shoes. "Not a nemesis. Not suave like that. Just a henchman."

See? I had no choice.

oh just checked out The Asian Pacific American Toy Chest, which I found through the angry asian man's blog (thanks, k, for that lead). So so brilliant! I have to add a list of the toys that I've always wished were made!

something else that you MUST see: Beatbox: A Raparetta. Brilliant, innovative, energetic, & a good message. Uses a turntablist, a couple of seriously talented beatboxers and b-boys and girls to create theater. love love loved it. Only up in Oakland for 2 more Wednesdays and that's it.

I have to post something to diffuse my last 2 complain-y posts, so here's a list of random things that give me joy:

1) salty sour foods
2) 4-way stoplights where you can cross the street on a diagonal
3) wrapping gifts
4) Baz Luhrmann's use of the coca-cola sign in all productions
5) pop-up books
6) smooth skin
7) strong coffee
8) feeling windburned from sailing
9) drift diving
10) finding out that people read this

[rant deleted]

Just heard that the other unit in this townhouse complex just rented out for $500/month cheaper than what we're paying. I think it's time to go talk to the landlords and maybe renegotiate this lease.

It's before midnight and I feel tired. Maybe from talking to my roommate. I think I'll actually go to sleep early tonight. Feels ridiculous to sleep, but I think I'm going to do it anyway. Goodnight.

Doing laundry really is satisfying. One thing that you should NOT do, however, is wait to wash things that went into the ocean. oooh stinky!

speaking of stinky, some of my pet peeves (because that's the kind of mood I'm in right now), in no particular order:
1) stinky hippie guys, especially the one at the hip hop club last night who was so rank that we (dancing near him) started to feel ill -- and that he seemed to stay near us for a while
2) the silent treatment (currently experiencing this from my roommate and it bites)
3) public displays of moodiness
4) people who can't park
5) William Wegman
6) beginning leaders who curtly tell me what move I *should* have done when we're dancing instead of considering that I might not have been able to follow their lead. This especially sucks when they then give me a little lesson on the dance floor or if they had risked injury with their lead. A part of me always hopes that they then see me dancing later with an advanced lead and realized that I'm an advanced dancer.
7) my feeling guilty all the time about something. it's true. I do feel guilty all the time about something.
8) people who say they hate an entire cuisine based on one experience and are unwilling to try again
9) online flaming
10) once again: the silent treatment. without talking about it or a good old-fashioned fight, how are we supposed to get past the issue?

That's enough for now. Time to get dressed for dancing.

not acting my age

it can be fun. Last night went out to hear some hip hop dj's. At one point in the evening I wondered why I was supposed to give that up? And then, looking at my general behavior this past week (lots of dancing and staying up until 2,4,or 5 in the morning), I think it's no wonder that I don't generally get attracted to people who are mature (then get infuriated when they're not. good combo). At some point I have to stop behaving like I'm in my 20s but I'm not sure when that is. (I did tell my dad the other night that I'm getting used to the idea that "growing up" does not necessarily mean "getting boring"). I do enough serious stuff in my work... Besides, maybe this is the end result of having spent a lot of my youth having to be pretty dang responsible and adult-like. Or maybe I'll end up being one of those pathetic older women who never dresses or acts their age.

feeling out of sorts, which happens to me somewhat frequently. Pretty much related to spending too much time alone (and since I work at home this does come up). My work world feels very successful, and like I'm about to become far more successful in the near future. I feel as if just about everything else in my world either is in flux or should be.

I'm currently dissatisfied with my household and that doesn't help. Feeling like just packing up everything and moving to LA. I don't fully know why there (there are contributing factors, but they are not all-consuming).

I've been sitting here, writing away and then erasing it because friends read this. So you are getting the edited version. A different dynamic of the average blog, where people are writing to the world at large without knowing who their readers are. Koji & I talked about this a bit at the beginning, but I'm noticing it especially today since I've actually erased things.

Maybe I just need to go do my laundry and then I'll feel better.

becoming a documentary maker

I was not feeling so great about the stuff that I shot in the Philippines for this documentary about the dance instructors (DIs), but on Monday night I showed some of the clips to Audrey & Nan (the only two who showed up for the documentary salon) and now I feel better. There's definitely something there. In the gadget accumulation category, I have to get better microphones with greater flexibility. But at least some of what I've shot so far is usable. Now I'm thinking I need to focus on this one and finish it up when I go back at Christmas. Another major gadget to get: the laptop to edit this on. Yes, a Mac. (my first one since 1997). The transfer of this stuff needs to happen somewhat soon. I don't like having it sitting around on tapes.

In fun, ego-gratifying, news: Adam (who hopes to be a producer someday) discovered that I'm on imdb! I suddenly feel legit. Oddly, my most recent teacher, Aron Ranen, is not there. You all should check out his doc, though: "Did We Go?" He explores whether or not we really landed on the moon in 1968.

This weekend, you all in SF area should head over to Sausalito Art Festival to check out Audrey's photos at booth #253.

dancing dancing dancing. This weekend was happily filled with dances, conversation, food and friends. I love having people over at my house.

Some interesting critiques of my room. Criticisms, really. Or concerns. See, my bedroom is also my office and right now it feels a bit more like a workspace in which I sleep. A very valid observation, I must say. Wondering what impact this has on my difficulties falling asleep. See my mind just goes full steam and is hard to shut off for sleep. Being surrounded by words and intellectual stimulation probably doesn't help.

I also met a few new people this weekend, and some friends of mine saw my house for the first time, so I was talking about myself a fair amount. Explaining or showing things that I have around my place, talking about all the maps and photos and artwork and pop-up books. I became, if anything, more aware of the randomness and volume of interests that I have, the number of different projects that I've tried to start (with varying levels of completion and/or success). I wonder at the focus that some people...most people... can maintain. I think I'm overwhelming. And that might not be all good.

So my questions about myself and my future activities and location are only amplified now. But I still had a terrific weekend. I love dancing & dancers.

Taking a break from cleaning up/out my room... Having guests over is the only motivator that works to get me to really clear this place out.

I feel like I've been on vacation for a couple of months now. It's great for me but hard on my clients and wreaking havoc on my bank account. Since I last wrote, I left town again. This time off to Seattle for a dance weekend. It was supposedly a Lindy Exchange, but we went salsa, west coast swing, and tango dancing, too. Very very fun. My guests this weekend are also dancers visiting from Seattle and Portland for a blues dancing night on Friday where I'll be DJ'ing for part of the time. Hopefully dancing most of the time.

My aunt wanted to know what I was going to do with all this dance. I told her it was just a hobby. But it's a pretty serious one, I guess. I'm getting to the point where it's hard to imagine dating someone who doesn't dance, maybe limited to those who dance well. Just what I need. Another criterion. I'm already pretty much a pain in the ass to date as it is...

I'm drinking brandy and eating apricots. Does that count as brandied apricots? Maybe I just need to hold them both in my mouth for a while.

So the crevices in my brain that are not currently occupied with work are getting filled with questions about what I'm going to do next, where I'm going to live, etc. I'm getting antsy. This is a natural result of my traveling. I know some people take a long trip and are eager to return home and get settled in. I just get the itch to continue to travel and explore. There's something out there that I haven't found yet, and I dislike being too comfortable. I'm feeling somewhere between settled and not. I wonder where I'll land. Or, more accurately, where I'll alight next. I'm not sure I'm the landing type.

oh yeah -- I landed...

Tomorrow I will have been in the US for one week. I forgot to mention this to you all. Truth be told, I didn't forget as much as I was really tired when I got back and didn't much feel like sitting and typing. This same feeling has had a negative effect on my ability to start working again...

But let's not talk about work. I have much to tell you about diving, both in Mindanao and in California.

Diving Ligid Island

So the last week I was in Davao I was consumed with diving. John said they were doing a dive to Ligid (sp?) island and suggested that I join the group. When I arrived at the shop, no one from the group was there. I thought it strange that everyone would be late, and asked John about it. At that point I learned that they were actually all in one family and that they had chartered the boat for themselves. This was (of course) after I had told another guy whose class dive had been cancelled due to bad visibility near the wreck he was scheduled to explore. We did end up crashing their dive, which they didn't mind at all. It was fun to be with a group of real divers. (In contrast to accompanying friends on "discover dives" or diving with friends who have limited amounts of experience).

Ligid Island is on the northeast side of Samal (the biggest island in the gulf). 80% of the shoreline is basically rock which juts directly out of the water, making for a cool dive site which started at about 30 feet and dropped to 90 or so at places. First we explored Ligid's caves -- which I was very excited about, being as I was looking for a new challenge and hadn't done much cave diving. In actual fact, the caves were very small and posed no particular challenge. Still, they were really cool to see. It's pretty wild to be under a roof of corals.

After lunch and a little surface time napping on the white sand beach of a little cove, we headed over to Pinnacle Point for a pretty challenging dive. The currents there are strong, with a couple of them crashing together, creating a downward current which had the odd effect of making our bubbles go down away from the surface in some areas. We dove in one direction which was initially with the current, then switched to against the current without changing our direction when we hit the meeting point. After a little while struggling with that, we reversed direction to ride the current, floated around in the current crash point for a little while and then surfaced. This area is really alive and fun to dive, although the constant water movement definitely limits visibility. We could see maybe 30-40 feet at most at any time (remember this when you read about Monterey later!). We heard that some divers have seen reef sharks there, but didn't see any on this dive. (darnit!)

Diving Coral Garden

Ahhhh.... Coral Garden. It's on Talikud Island, near Babusanta, a lovely white sand beach resort. This is the dive site I know better than any other, since I've done at least 30 and perhaps as many as 50 dives there. When I left, my buddies at Whitetip Divers were talking to folks about making it a marine sanctuary so I was extra excited about going out there to see what it looked like now. Well, the sanctuary conversations are still in process 4 years later and not much movement has happened there. I was actually quite sad when I came up from our dive because, while there was still an abundance of fish there, much of the coral was dead and the water was more full of silt than I remembered. However, it didn't look like damage from dynamite fishing and there wasn't enough development on the island to cause erosion or fertilizer pollution in the water. I asked Rowell, the divemaster, about it and he said that the area suffered during El Nino. I'm not fully sure how, but something about the months without rain followed by months of nothing but rain suffocated much of the coral and it's still trying to recover. The change was dramatic and took me by surprise. Not all the coral was dead, however, and I'm hopeful that a full recovery will happen. At some point I'll scan the photos I took last time I was there so you can see what the place can be.

After Coral Garden, we did a little beach entry dive from Babusanta which was mostly uneventful except for a stumbling across a favorite hangout for lionfish. I've never seen such a large cluster of them before. I was with a fairly novice diver who thankfully did not try to touch them -- on the surface we discovered that he had no idea that they were so poisonous. We also saw quite a number of blowfish there. A fun simple dive overall.

Diving Carmel

Back in the U.S. Getting here was uneventful and my last week was filled with naps and trying to unpack and catch up with work. Not much interesting to tell you all there.

Yesterday, however, I went diving in Monterey. Actually, we went around to Pinnacles off Carmel and then to another unnamed dive site on our way back to Monterey. I confess that the last time I went diving in Monterey, I loved simply being underwater, but didn't fully understand the point of trying to dive in an area that was sooooooo cold and where visibility was sooooo bad (around 5-10 feet). Well yesterday, we had 2 great dives, with great visibilty, about 35 feet (it's all about perspective!). We saw all kinds of crazy things, including some solo and some colonial salp (like the salp chains pictured here), lots and lots of fish of all sizes, much healthy coral, cool anemones, and all kinds weird and wacky things that I can't name. From the boat, divers spotted an 18-foot long salp chain, a grey whale, and a number of otters and seals. Once again, my "dry suit" did not keep my dry (that's 4 failures on 4 tries), but I'm told that I would have stayed warmer if it did. I may try again, or may go for a thick wetsuit next time instead. No matter, I'm always happy underwater, and I had a great time. I will dive Monterey again.

That's the update for now. I'm back stateside and happily out swing and salsa dancing again. More on my local adventures in the future.

Quick Hello & Goodbye...

Goodbye to the Philippines, that is & a hello to you all after several days' break. I've been diving, traveled to Manila, danced some more and will tell all when I have a better connection. Right now, I'm heading out tomorrow and will be back stateside on the 6th. More stories to come.

a regular travelog entry, complete with missed connections, improvisation, and beautiful scenery

The plan was simple: Jerome, Arvin, Gwyneth & I would take a ferry to a public beach resort and spend the night. Arvin preferred a tent to a hut, so J. would pick one up on his way over to meet me. Nothing is ever that simple though. First, J&I thought we should go first thing in the morning, but A. is a DI (dance instructor) so he works until 2 in the morning. I received a text (on my phone. -- for those who have not been to asia in the last 5 years) at 3:30 in the morning asking what they had to bring and if we could leave after 1pm. I said fine, I'd talk to J. in the morning, now I'm going back to sleep. Three hours later, I wake up, text J. and tell him the new schedule, he says that's fine, he's picking up a tent and would meet me at the hotel. The new meeting time is 3:30 to be at the pier at 4, since the boat leaves at 5. That's the only boat in the afternoon. I think, too bad we'll be there so late (and sun sets here around 6:30), but it's ok since we'll have the whole next day on the beach before returning.

That afternoon we arrive at the pier just before 4 to discover that the boat left an hour and half early because the waves were too big. Hm. After getting over my disorientation at having a ferry leave so incredibly ahead of schedule, we decide to take the alternate route. "Really adventure!" laughs Jerome. We pile back into our taxi and head over to the other wharf near Sasa (the cargo shipping port). This is the pier I think my family has never seen. As we walk through all the vendors' stalls in the ramshackle market, passing by all the fish, backpacks and vegetable stalls, the stares and "hello!"s we got made me guess that we were an unusual sight in this corner of town. Even Jerome, the most at home here of us all, looked out of place with his big backpack and 2 white girls in tow (ok, we're both mixed 1/2 filipina, but to just about everyone here we look white. Only other mixed people recognize us). We were crossing the gulf to one end of Samal Island on the ferry (think wooden outrigger boat with benches and seating for around 100). Once there, three of us waited behind while Jerome arranged for 2 motorcycles to take us across the island. He knew he could get a better price if he set up the deal speaking Visaya and if they didn't know that 2 of their passengers were white. So then we took a 45 minute ride across the island on some paved, some dirt roads. Some were roads which J. uses to train for the mountain biking segments of his adventure races -- just so you get an idea of their not-so-smooth quality. I had a great time, shot some bumpy video & digital stills with one hand while balancing myself and my pack with the other. A&G were a little less at ease, but they were game. Along the way we had to dodge a dog, a pig, a chicken, and a number of children in school uniforms. (No, they weren't travelling together.) The bikes dropped us in Kaputian, where we then hired a small banka (outrigger boat) to take us from Samal to Talikud Island -- just under 1/2 hour away. Barely wide enough for 2 people to sit side-by-side, A&G sat in front of the driver and J&I sat behind, where I had the tiller running under one arm and both of us propped our feet up on the sides of the boat to avoid the exhaust from the motor. Finally landing at Isla Reta, we happily discovered that we had the entire beach to ourselves. On the downside, that meant that no one was at the restaurant and we were really hungry, but J. somehow found the staff in the town, and we (eventually) had dinner. It took a long time I think because in addition to both inihaw and paksew fish, we ordered barbequed chicken. Native chicken. There's every chance that it was still alive when we ordered it. Prep takes a long time. After dinner, we wrapped up our night swimming in warm-to-me-cold-to-jerome tropical waters off a white sand beach under a full moon, then drinking and talking until our (especially my) heads were nodding.

I admit sleeping in a tent placed directly on sand is a little hard. Sand seems so much more pliable when you're not on it for very long. But it was fine. I like being in a place so warm you need no sleeping bag. Just crash out on the floor of the tent. In the morning I set up a hammock under the magnolia trees and watched the dawn fishermen. (Tip to future tropical travelers: never hang your hammock under a coconut tree. Too much danger of coconuts falling on your head). There followed a lazy day on the beach trying to get a tan to make you all jealous, and more swimming. We walked into the little town to the market (a long sectioned tiled counter with faucets outside where a woman had seafood for sale on one end and someone was doing laundry near the other), bought a fish caught that morning & had it cleaned and scaled, and had it grilled for lunch, served up with chicken soup we bought from another vendor. Somehow the boys arranged with a guy from the town to have another banka pick us up at the end of the day. Just before we left, several boats arrived with weekend visitors to Isla Reta so we had to share the beach. The real benefit for me from this was getting to try some "native goggles" offered to me by one of the boatmen. These are swimming goggles with eyecups carved out of wood and fitted with small pieces of glass, tied behind the head with string secured with a piece of rubber that looked like it was cut from a thong. They actually worked pretty well, although the eyepieces were very small and therefore rather painful. I loved trying them out and may cause a future boatman some amusement by asking to buy his goggles to bring home with me.

The return trip was completely uneventful. All boats were where they said they would be, we had no difficulties changing from one to another, and got home safely. All in all, a fine trip. Especially since I happen to love it when we have to improvise. I'm what they call here a "cowgirl", meaning that I can adapt and I am fine getting dirty. Tomorrow I go diving in a spot that's only a 15 minute boat ride away. Tonight I'll be ballroom dancing. This is what my life is like here. So do you understand why it's hard to resist all the pressure I'm getting to live here? Of course, I'd have to work if I were here. But the white sand beaches, coral gardens, dances, and unexpected adventures would still be here anytime I could slip away.

ah.... back in Davao.... only problem is I'm having a little stomach issue. Don't know if it's the major lack of sleep because of the competition stuff, the flu that's hit both Arvin and my aunt, or drinking some non-bottled water in Manila (water in Davao is fine, Manila is not). The combination of the three is not great, regardless, and so I spent last night mostly hiding out in my room. This morning, started to get a little stir crazy so I headed out and ended up here writing to you all.

a word about traffic

I haven't been to Bankok or Calcutta, but I'm told that the traffic there is worse or at least similar to Manila. Manila is a crazy place. It's a big city, but it's not "organized" (Arvin's apt expression). It's very hard to get around without a car or without spending a huge amount on taxis, but I wouldn't want to drive there if I had a car. I would be scared, really, just remarkably annoyed. Snora should never come here. They do have some traffic lights, but they're not always followed. Traffic cops are at some major intersections which really help, but again, they aren't timed to each other like lights can be so there's no such thing as traffic "flow." On the other hand, everyone assumes that no-one is following the rules, so they're all pretty cautious. The rate of traffic-related fatalities is far lower here than in the states, I believe.

Davao is not much better about rules, but at least there are fewer cars. It's hard to describe really what it's like on these roads. Crossing the street is a test of will, but you soon learn that drivers will stop or at least slow down so that you can cross. Additionally, there aren't really sidewalks to speak of in some areas so there's a feeling of general chaos. What you'd see if you were here:

vehicles
private cars -- mostly darkened windows so there's no way to see if the driver sees you or not.
jeepneys -- open air public transportation cars who will slow down if you need to cross, but who will also try to get you to hop on for a ride making for a bizarre experience where you're trying to both ignore them and pay close attention to what the heck they're going to do while you're trying to cross in front of them. The farther away from the city you get, the more likely you are to see people riding on the roof and hood of a jeepney, along with all kinds of baskets, bags, and construction materials, maximizing the use of all vehicles in areas where they are scarce. Riding on jeepneys here makes me laugh when I get back to the states and people say "there's no where to sit" when riding the F trains if they can't sit without touching someone.
taxis -- everpresent, these little white cars are divided into air-con and non-air-con (with and without air conditioning). For pedestrian purposes, this only means that the windows would be open or not which might affect their ability to hear you yell (which no one does. This is not NYC). Generally, the taxi drivers are good, albeit scarily aggressive, drivers. I remain fascinated by the decor on the inside of the taxis. The current trend seems towards fist-sized stuffed animals suspended on strings and hanging from suction cups in the front window. Last time I was here, everyone was sporting the seven dwarves from snow white -- sometimes, however, 7 of the same dwarf. I'm sad that they've been replaced by pokemons and the powerpuff girls.
pedi-cabs -- dirtbikes (motorized) with a sidecar attached. The side car is originally designed for two people (making three with the motorcycle driver), but I've seen as many as 5-6 on one. This renders the already non-agile vehicle nearly totally unmaneuverable, although it is slow and easy to dodge as a pedestrian. These vehicles are not in the very center of the city, but exist primarily on the slightly less trafficked outer areas.
tricycles -- bicycles with a sidecar attached. These are mostly seen on the side of major roads, and they provide a way into all the housing areas after people transfer from jeepneys. They are slow and cumbersome and I mostly feel really badly for the young boys who are pedaling so hard in this tropical heat so that people carrying groceries or returning schoolchildren don't have to walk. Their main impact on traffic is in becoming objects which cause private cars and jeepneys to suddenly swerve across lane lines (providing they were in a lane in the first place).
motorcycles/motocross bikes -- lots of these. They're small and easy to walk around.
skylabs -- everywhere in rural areas, not in the cities, skylabs are usually 250cc motorcycles/dirtbikes with a board strapped perpendicular to the seat, enabling additional riders to sit on the ends of the board, increasing the maximum load from 3 or 4 to 5 or even 7 riders. Riders are on the handlebars, behind the driver, on the tank, and on the ends of the board. Riding on one is an amazing experience. You should try it. They earn their name from the cross shape created by the board, a shape reminiscent of the sky-lab.

Adding to the foreign pedestrian's panic is the incessant blaring of horns from cars and jeepneys. Some jeepney horns are very musical, designed to get your attention so you jump on. Mostly, though, you hear 2-3 toots from all vehicles every 10-30 feet warning someone (another vehicle, a pedestrian, a potential anything that might possibly be entering the road at an intersection) that a vehicle is coming and it intends to take the right of way. I ended up taping some of this if you are interested in hearing it. It's like nothing else. Perhaps the greatest oddity is that I get used to it.

Mass for Fr. Finster
In a very different vein, tonight I speak at a mass for a priest who was a great friend to our family and who just passed away. It's odd, in my California life, to think about haivng something like a "family priest," or even a priest who is a friend of the family. But there are two or more parts to my life. In the future, I'll talk about catholism and all that. Tonight I must get ready for mass.

OK, I spoke too fast about the rain in the last post. We got drenched here on Saturday day and night, resulting in more floods (baha!) throughout Manila. I was inside most of the day at the dance competition, so the only major impact on me was not being able to get to a salsa club I wanted to check out.

The competition is finally over, and I'm very happy about that. Arvin & Gwyneth got to the semi-final round before they were eliminated. Getting them to compete meant talking each of them out of quitting twice in the 3 days, supporting them individually, and then working their butts to improve the dance. Bottom line, 3 months is not enough time to train someone from nothing to champion level, but she did a darn fine job. The competition itself was quite trippy. Not quite Strictly Ballroom, but close. Like that without the proper funding so it was in a gym, not a hotel. But the politics were there, and the sense of what was Right and Wrong was everpresent. I'm intrigued by the ballroom scene in much the same way I'm attracted to mini-golf courses and monster truck races. The commitment to an alternate aesthetic is quite incredible to me.

Last night went to Music Box, which features a gay boy and two trans girls singing and making jokes, reminding me of my HIV prevention buddies at their most sparkly and viscious humor. Quite a crowd there. Some of the "cool" in-crowd (straight) who are there to watch and occasionally sing, some tourists, some regular gays, and a wealthy older gay man and his pack of 3 young beautiful boys. Made me appreciate SF even more (as if I need that), where roles were not quite so rigid, and where there are options that are not quite so seedy. (Yes, some are more seedy, but that's also true here)

Tonight I go ballroom dancing, which is far more intense in Manila than in Davao. I'm excited to see it. Tomorrow I happily return to Davao, where I can walk, be outside and get to the beach.

super quick update all. I'm in Manila, and it's dry. Seems the typhoons have headed north and assaulting Japan. Maraming baha up there, walang dito.

Down here all floods are emotional -- I thought there was drama in the regular dance scene, but it's nothing compared to competition. I'm absolutely exhausted with trying to support (read: keep sane) my friends Arvin & Gwyneth. They compete tomorrow for a national ranking in ballroom dancing. Every day brings fun new surprises & tensions, which, as their coach, I work to heal. This morning they're happy and dancing well. I'm at the mall, looking for material to redo her costume so it fits and she can dance (bad bad tailoring!). Then I will recolor her shoes. I feel like I'm back in the theater doing costume crafts again. Well, I was talking about the fact that I missed it.

That's it for today. If it's not about dance, I don't know about it.

election day

yesterday most of the businesses in the Philippines were closed for elections. I happen to think it's not such a bad idea trying to encourage people to vote by releasing them from work. On the other hand, some people just took it as a holiday.

Last night, when I was having dinner with Jerome, I noticed his forefinger was all purple around the nail. Turns out they stain your finger with ink after you vote so that you can't vote twice. Rigged elections have been a major issue here in the past, and all kinds of measures have been taken but this was a new one on me.

I talked to my Tita Juliet's driver about elections, and he said he was boycotting them because everyone was so corrupt. He had nothing but bad things to say about all the people who were running. This appears to be a fairly universal reason to avoid elections. Others are just resigned to it, and try not to elect "politicians" -- that word is synonymous with "corrupt." They're voting for wealthy businesspeople instead, figuring that they're more savvy and less likely to be tempted by bribes. Of course, in the U.S. right now, "wealthy businessman" is not necessarily a compliment...

Probably the most curious thing was the Philippine National Police (PNP) Chief saying that the day was generally peaceful. This article in the Manila Bulletin caught my eye because the headline in the Philippine Star was "75 dead in election violence." It's all a matter of perspective I guess. They've had far more violent election days in the past, the PNP put the estimate at 38 dead, and figured that was a good day.

The PNP reported a total of 56 election-related violent incidents in the course of the campaign since March 31 where a total of 38 persons were killed and 20 others wounded. Among those killed in the list of the PNP report were 13 incumbent elective officials, 13 candidates, 11 civilian supporters, and one AFP personnel.

So who am I to say? Reformers here are sometimes popular (the vigilante mayor Duterte for one), sometimes unpopular or with mixed reviews (like the mayor of Tagum, a businessman, who accepted no negotiations on tax rates for individuals, saying instead that even rich people had to pay the full amount. he was respected & appreciated by some, but lost his re-election bid.) Change comes slowly, and corruption is systemic here. Reminds me of the HIV virus, always changing and everyone has their own ideas about treatment -- each one which comes with harsh side effects.

My family stays well away from all that, preferring the neutral zone which is a good business decision for hotel owners. Me? I'm just going to pack up my camera and head off to flooded Manila to videotape dance instructors in action. My next post may be more waterlogged. Dexter -- how do I say "flooded" in tagalog?

ok. my arm has recovered and I'm ready for more. I'm now waiting, impatiently, for a call from my friend who want to take me out windsurfing, hoping to get me hooked enough to be part of the women's team he's pulling together here for a competition in December. Who knows? I tried once in Alameda with Paul & Tina and loved it. I'm likely to enjoy it even more when the water is warm... In the meanwhile, just practicing dancing in my room, alternating between tango, rhumba and hiphop. My body will be refined in nothing if I try hard enough. I really have to gain some muscle. I'm not liking the way I look or my weakness right now. Doesn't help that weight is a normal topic of conversation here, so everyone who sees me says (directly before or after "hello"), "you look fat" or "you gained weight" or "what happened to you? just eating eating all the time?" This includes all relatives, the dance instructors, even the hotel staff. I'm not lying. Those in doubt can ask my brother.

resolutions I'm making while I'm here: I will start going to the gym regularly to go climbing again. I will get a tagalog tutor when I return. I will dance tango a lot more. Can you all help me stick to them? Help improve improve my ability?

My english is breaking down. My accent is getting chaotic. My visaya and tagalog remain maddeningly nonexistent. Examples of words that everyone prefers in tagalog instead of english:

malapit -- near
mahirap -- difficult
mainit -- hot
mayabang -- boastful
magaling -- good

now, given that I tend to remember things using the first letter and the number of syllables, I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to adjectives in this country. I will continue to try. These words, at least, are clear to me. Mag practice practice makes perfect.

...propping up my sore left arm so I can type this out. Yesterday's kayaking was excellent...but tough for a once-strong-now-weak person like myself. It was about 11 kilometers (nearly 7 miles) round-trip from Santa Ana Pier across the bay to Samal Island. Kind of nutty being out on the open water in a cargo shipping lane with a current and lots of wind on my first real kayaking effort. But that's kind of how I end up picking up new activities, anyway. And I have to confess that I really liked it, despite my current muscle aches, raw spots from having my arms rubbing against the vest, blisters on my thumbs, sore wrist and the general inability to use my hands properly for several minutes after letting go of the paddle. It was fun. I also think it's a pretty good match for rock climbing since it requires fairly strong hands and strengthens the pulling muscles in your shoulders. (Did I just pick up a new sport?!)

Today no scuba diving. One hazard to becoming friends with the dive shop is that you're the first requested to be bumped when a group of regular tourists shows up and rents all the tanks. Ok, lang. I'll dive mid-week with a smaller group.

Arvin and Gwyneth have asked me to be their coach for their dance competition in Manila. I think it's an unreasonable amount of faith in me, particularly since I'm not a ballroom person, but I'm flattered and they need support so I said yes. I'm bringing in Senya, a friend of mine who was the national ballroom champion a couple of years in a row, to help me and actually suggest technical stuff.

I've now located more of my friends here, remembering that yes, I really did live here for a year. Still, it's a country fairly free of sarcasm, so I'm missing you all. I did have a major revelation yesterday: this is an almost completely mullet-free environment! I realized this when I saw one, and it startled me.

This and other things, like fresh mango and fish, make it so tempting to just stay.... oh but this time I have work back home. oh well.

ahh... I'm now finally kicking in various activities that bring me here to Davao. Tomorrow I'll go sea kayaking and Sunday I'll be diving. Monday night a group of us might go to a beach to spend the night. It's warm enough here that we probably won't even bring tents, just hammocks or even just beach towels.

Last night went to a new place, Jack's Ridge, and ate catfish and gambas in an open air restaurant high on a hill overlooking Davao's city lights. Then took a stroll down to check out the bar and the coffee house up there. They have rooms available for 500-600 pesos (about 10-12 dollars) a night. I might just have to take one for a night so I can wake up to greet the dawn from a hilltop while sipping a cappucino. (yes, espresso has arrived in Davao).

In one aspect, Davao is far more civilized than San Francisco. There's an abundance of 24 hour places here. After Jack's Ridge, a group of friends and I went out to a beach club where we walked the sand, drank, and sang karaoke until it was unreasonably late. As you all know, I am continuously frustrated by SF's early shutdown so late night walks on active streets here make me really happy. Granted, a few too many of these places feature really scary karaoke (some just a machine and TV in a shack on the sidewalk with mic cord stretched across the sidewalk to reach the drunk guy sitting on small plastic stool who's imagining he's Neil Diamond), but there's also 24 hour barbecue and beach resorts, along with a wide choice of indoor restaurants. No diner-only 24-hour choices here!

I've also given in to Asian culture and now have a cell phone here so my friend can text me and we can meet up. You know I wasn't doing well without my own phone... now I just have to learn a large array of abbreviations so I can be really cool and not reveal my total text-virgin state.

Off to have merienda with my lola (i.e. midafternoon snack with my grandmother). More later when I'm more tan!

I don't know you if you've been hearing about it where you are, but Manila has been assaulted by typhoon rains for the last couple of weeks. Streets are flooded, people are travelling by boat and rafts made of styrofoam blocks, and at least 18 people have died. Here in Davao, the skies have been clear every day. The weather patterns here are just odd. But I certainly won't complain.

Life here so far has been about dance and seeing old friends. No wanderings outside the city yet except the day at the beach, but I'm getting a little antsy. I think a diving day must happen this weekend at the minimum. Doesn't help that my friend Jerome is out training every day for an adventure race this weekend in Marbel. He's a crazy man that I can't keep up with -- out mountain biking or running every day either at 6 a.m. or at 4 p.m. to grab 2 hours or so of daylight with a minimum of heat.

Did I tell you that the sun rises at 6 a.m. and sets at 6 p.m. every day all year long? This equator stuff is nutty... of course, it's very confusing to the people here when I explain our daylight savings time and shifting sunset times etc.

My dancing is getting better. I'm working on the tango a bunch. Had a private with a really great teacher out of Manila.

Davao is in an interesting spot right now. Mayor Duterte (see the article about him in Time from June) has done an impressive job making the city safe. Two months ago, he also imposed a new "smoking control law", and for the first time, there are non-smoking areas in restaurants, and some places where no smoking is allowed at all. The airport is also finally expanding its runways to handle larger planes so it can be truly international. A growth spurt is on the way. I hope the economic recovery is soon.

I'm getting distracted now with the love songs playing on the computer next to me doing battle with the sounds of Age of Empires or some other computer game. Besides, I think it's high time I get myself out to the poolside to deepen this tan...

Oh, in case you haven't see it, here's some info about my family's hotel and about Davao in general... come visit!

256K!



ahhh.... the joys of internet cafes! I'm now surrounded by tech savvy teens in a 24 hour net cafe (what a happy insomniac am I!) where I can blog away at 35 cents/hour. Something for me to do when I can't go to the beach anymore because it's after hours.



Davao is as wonderful as always. A nutty combo of America and decidedly local, I'm so happy just wandering around. And it's all perfectly safe here. So I'll stop reporting on that, and just fill you on the good stuff.



Yesterday, my father, stepmother, aunt and I went to a small beach resort called "Pacific's Little Secret" on the Samal side of Talikud Island. It was so calm and gorgeous there. White sand is so normal here that when I showed a photo from SF to one of my local friends, he asked, "why is the sand brown?" I had to explain that all sand is brown in the states, and that beaches were cold. Pacific's Little Secret's secret is not just the beautifully artistic houses overlooking the beach or protected water... I think the big secret is their cook, Francine. We had the most overwhelmingly fabulous meal yesterday: barbecued tuna jaw, steamed prawns, kinilaw (raw tuna with vinegar, radish and onion), barbecue chicken, eggplant & coconut milk salad and local asparagus. I was so excited about the asparagus! They've just started growing it here and it's really yummy. Small tender stalks, almost like asparagus shoots. Later they served fried banana for merienda (a customary mid-afternoon meal) which you just have to taste to understand how good that can be. (Sorry to all my Salvadorean friends -- I think the Pinoy version is far superior!).



The night before I went ballroom dancing, as I will tonight as well. My friend Arvin is trying to teach me international style for latin dancing. I think it's funny so I'll do it. He has agreed to be in my documentary on the Dance Instructors (DIs) and will get the others to join in as well. As luck would have it, he's competing in the national championships this month while I'm here so I'll head up to Manila mid-trip to be there and tape that. Maybe I'll get some of the Manila DIs in as well. I hear that some of the women up there have gone as far as to buy houses for their DIs -- their husbands are not too happy about this turn of events. Time for me to film!



I checked in with the dive shop and will go out soon. Coral Garden, my regular dive site when I was here last, has been protected for the last couple of years and I'm eager to see if there's been much improvement. I will report out after I go.



Thanks for the emails and such. I'll be much more able to respond now that I don't have to wait (literally) 5-10 minutes for a page to load!

Landed!

Here in Davao, at the family hotel. The air stepping off the plane was warm and comforting, like a down blanket. I find it just fine. All my travels here were very uneventful -- happily so. I'm very pleased to report that it's not as necessary to avoid the Manila airport anymore. Domestic and international are together, no more Mr. Toad Wild Rides to make a connection in cross-town taxis. The flight to Davao from there was also just fine. It's about 600 miles, basically the same as SF to LA, only with maybe 6000 islands between instead of I-5. Arriving at the hotel was a nice coming home, seeing people I haven't seen for a long time. All the workers are very friendly to me -- somehow it's important to me that they like me. They work so hard for our family and are willing to stick it out through our troubles.

My father and step-mother have been here for over a week, and they report that they only real trouble they had was with a waiter at the Royal Mandaya hotel. He was a klutz and spilled beer all over everything and was lame about cleaning it up. That seems to be the extent of the civil unrest right here. I'm happy to say that Davao seems just like ever, only growing.

The ISP here is remarkably slow, so I might be a slacker replying to emails until I can find a better internet cafe. That's all I'll write for now. Have to get ready for dinner at my favorite restaurant. Grilled seafood and garlic rice, followed by fresh mango... yummmm....

Hong Kong layover

I've landed safely in Hong Kong. 13 hours of flying, 17 hours total airport/plane time. I now acknowledge there is no wisdom in packing when underslept and fresh off the throes of the high-fashion pride parade. I was misleading in my last post. I actually did not realize my mistake when it came to the scuba mask, fins, etc, until after I had closed everything up and shortly before the shuttle was to arrive. I now consider that a major mistake. I know I'll be able to borrow/rent in Davao, but I do so love my mask. Saw some great discovery programs on the plane about sharks and am now itching to get to a shark dive. I don't know of any on Mindanao, so it might have to wait for the next trip.

Overall doing ok. Didn't sleep much on the plane, had slept 1/2 hour the night before boarding, 5 hours the night before that, 4 hours the night before that, 6 hours on Friday night. Seems fitting to read "Sleep Demons: An Insomniac's Memoir" at this point. It's quite wonderful and may give all you normal sleepers a peek into a world a little more like mine. Melatonin & wine didn't work on this flight. I slept a bit, but mostly read and watched a movie, then got all worked up about the sharks. I definitely did not know enough about Oceanic White Tips. Can anyone point me to info about them and Pilot Whales? Or just the Pilot Whales?

The HK airport is lovely, with huge windows overlooking the mountains. I had a dollar translation scare when checking in. I was told that I had to pay $140 in insurance to Philippine Airlines, which seemed outrageous. Actually, this sum was later corrected to $40, meaning $40 in Hong Kong dollars, $5 US. That kind of surcharge I'm prepared for. Odd to deal with the same word for different currencies. Especially since the Brits use the Pound. Anyone know how HK started using the dollar? At least the PAL agent had glitter fingernails, a kero-keroppi pen, and photo stickers all over her stapler. Made the whole transaction far more fun. Here (and in Japan) my penchance for decorating everyday objects seems pretty tame.

Happily able to correct my minidisk supply shortage -- nice electronics store here. Had to keep my hands off extra cameras.

religion of coincidences, meditation #3
1) This morning at SFO, my friend Alfredo just happened to be taking a flight to Mexico with basically the same departure time as my flight, so we hung out. 2) One woman in supershuttle with me was taking the same flight to Hong Kong as I was, and was continuing on to the Philippines. She called me an angel sent to help her since there were no porters to wrangle with her large balikbayan box & I ended up loading her cart for her. 3) Mariko, a swing dancer from Tokyo who I met this weekend, strolled by as I was checking in -- on her way to check in for a flight back home. That's 3 in no time at all. What a way to leave SF.

Now off for some food. I'll be in Manila in 5 or so hours, but won't (probably) check in again until tomorrow sometime in Davao.

15 minutes until the shuttle gets here. I'm all packed, and bringing just a ridiculous amount of stuff. Usually I'm a light packer, but something snapped in my head and I had a shoe panic, and am not willing to bet on buying too many things in my size there and just packed like a squirrel preparing for winter. Multiple activities don't help. I have 3 specialized shoes: 2 for dancing, 1 for rock climbing. I decided against bringing my own scuba equipment, and will just rent there. May regret that when it comes to the mask, but something had to go. That and the 10 or so minidisks that I seem to have misplaced.

Wish me happy travels. When next I write, I'll be only 7 degrees off the equator.

OK. I should not be writing here. I should be packing. I'll get to it shortly. Yes, I'm leaving in a matter of hours.

The U.S. State Department has not issued any new travel advisories, and the word out of the Philippines seems increasingy calm.

My friend there just asked me to be part of an adventure racing team in mid-July. I'm now -- even more -- feeling how out of shape I am. Even reading about the race made me feel heavy and slow. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this. But it's cool to be asked to be in one of these races. This from my friend who just completed the ecochallenge in New Zealand. If you take a look at the gallery photo labeled "prerace excitement", you'll see him in the last, large group photo. In a yellow shirt in front, second from the right edge of the front yellow shirts with the wild hair. Pretty cool that he was in the eco challenge.

OK. Time for me to pack. I may write again before I leave in the morning.

the countdown to departure truly started today in my head. I'm running out of time to get things done, and I'm getting more excited to be there. I think it's time for me to be in a different place, maybe try to calm this restlessness and vague dissatisfaction I'm dealing with. Dissatisfaction with what? I don't know. That's why it's vague.

Things seem to be calming down in the Philippines. I don't think there's anything to worry about. I'm just plotting more video stuff to keep busy. I got a minidisk yesterday to record the peculiar sounds there. I'm just going to be a recording maniac. And I got some shorts and short-sleeved shirts today. It's warm there (87 degrees) and I don't want to wear worn-out clothes around my family so I had to get a couple of new things.

that's all. just notes. now to finish reading "Driving Mr. Albert: a trip across america with einstein's brain." Quite good. You should all read it.

just realizing that I leave in a few days. Tuesday, to be exact. My parents left for the Philippines two nights ago. So far, no bad news.

Joyce, who I wrote about on 6/21, has invited me to join their group for some of the workshops with tribal artists and performers. Sounds excellent. Signs are pointing in neon that I need to join them -- the group has reservations at my family's hotel during the time I'll be staying there. I suppose it's a good thing I saw her here, otherwise I might see her for the first time in 5 years in Davao and that would definitely freak even me out.

Last night went to see a lot of short films of varying quality. A very nice surprise was seeing Cherisma again (one of the best & most beautiful actresses I've worked with), with the added bonus of her telling me that I'm one of her 2 favorite directors. She has some plot for a documentary project. I may be getting into yet another one.

I suppose I have to start thinking about what to pack, etc. All I've been thinking about is video gear, but I suppose I really should have some clothes, too...

art

bought a plate from Christy Beckwith. Very beautiful abstract pattern on the side with a quirky painting of a dress and boots in the center, along with the following words:

Well okay. So there was a mild
discrepancy between what I was supposed
to be doing and what I was actually
doing. It all started when I was suddenly,
casually inspired to whip up a batch of
My infamous Mardi-gras Margaritas
and the next thing I knew I was dressed to
kill & making my way to the dance floor.

can't you see why I had to have it?

Religion of Coincidences, meditation #2

Yesterday, went to Claire's birthday party. She and I met through swing dancing, and a significant number of people there were dancers. Her sister, Danielle, was also there, along with her roommates and a friend of Danielle's, Leonard. I meet them all, and Leonard says, "We've met before." Turns out, we did meet when Rob & I went to his reading of his latest novel last year. He was Rob's MFA professor, and is a friend of Danielle's. That's just odd.

There's a community networking theory which talks about identifying the hubs of groups for contacts and/or information. I get the feeling that I'm in that role sometimes. Or else that I'm the free electron, zooming about from atom to atom, randomly changing their charge for a while and then moving on.

Yesterday's big news is that Philippine troops are thought to have killed Abu Sabaya, leader of the Abu Sayyaf. They haven't found the body yet, but they know he was wounded and fell into the ocean. Today, the government intends to ask the US to stay on in the Philippines for a while.

I talked to a friend whose father is currently farming in Basilan and Zamboanga. He says it's actually not nearly as scary there as we read about. Chris' dad actually says he's run into no trouble and is simply running his farm as usual.

I actually felt quite satisfied about the world cup game yesterday. I felt pleased that the US played such a great game, feeling that finally the US has joined the rest of the world in the soccer arena. Sucks that the result partially hinged on a ball that escaped Kahn (the goalie) only to be deflected by a defender's hand...Still, it was nice to watch Sanneh as he was magic all over the field and well worth the sleep-deprived haze that I stayed in for the rest of the day. Now I'm all about South Korea. Would be so excellent to see an Asian team take it all for the first time!

ok. so if I believed in some kind of master plan or in the religion of coincidences, I'd have plenty of proof in my world. Tonight a series of events with an unexpected end result:

1) a client decides to cancel our evening meeting 6 hours before it's supposed to start
2) my day-long meeting runs later than I thought and I arrive at the theater too late to conduct interviews with audience members in line
3) I decide to buy a ticket and see the movie at the last minute (Karmen Gei. Really beautiful but confusing film out of Senegal.)
4) I run into an friend there, Chris, who I frequently see at film festivals, but who is rarely alone. Tonight he's without his group and we decide to sit together.
5) As we're leaving the theater after the show to grab some food between screenings, I see someone else I know who agrees to hold a couple of seats for us.
6) I buy a ticket and run in to sit down in my seat maybe a minute before they lower the houselights
7) Having recognized her laugh during the show, I confirmed after the lights came up that the woman next to me was Joyce, who I haven't seen in about 5 years. (We did a couple of very intense and very cool theater projects together, and had several overlapping friends) We are amazed, and happy to see each other, and then truly stunned by the realization that...
8) Joyce is leaving for Mindanao (Philippines) next week and will be cruising through Davao with some other artist friends (who I have met) while I'm there.

This is odd. I used to have quite a reputation for running into people I knew everywhere I went (this extended to other countries sometimes), but I thought it had slowed down. I do know a lot of people, but still... things like this get odd.

I didn't mention that Koji, who requested this blog in the first place, is one of my unplanned-infrequent-contacts. I saw him at Chink-O-Rama, coincidentally going to the same night of a show that ran for 3 weeks. And before that, when I saw him at the SF International Film Festival, he happened to be walking by on the sidewalk as I was emerging from a shop door; I had to follow him for a bit to get his attention because he was listening to something on his headphones.

People always just reappear in my world. I guess I should be nice to people all the time because I can be pretty sure I'll see them again somewhere sometime.

Yippee!

I just got my mini DV video camera! Finally! Now I can start putting words and thoughts into action and make all these random docs that are running around in my head. I'm sooooo happy!

What first? Getting used to the camera and playing around with the mics and stuff. I have to know these tools better. I have lots and lots to learn. This is going to be fun.

Just interviewed Jennifer Arnold, the director of "American Mullet." I was wrong about her. She does not have a mullet. She did cut her very long hair into one while she was making the documentary, but now her hair is all short. Despite my initial disappointment at not being able to have coffee with a mullet, our conversation was very interesting. She touched on one of my pet issues, which is why you get to hear about the interview. She would like to see more ways to support queer filmmakers who are making films without explicit queer content.

This issue goes way beyond just the queer community. In general, it seems to me that artists of various communities (people of color, women, transgendered, disabled, queer, etc) are expected to produce work that explicitely includes content related to their demographic. I think this helps to contribute to the ghetto-izing of this work, and feeds into the habits of audiences which choose to see only things which they find familiar in some way. Also, I've seen (and, I admit, made) plenty of bad art which has high emotion or just is "of the community" and so is forgiven its technical/artistic/structural flaws. I'm not saying that this work is not important, but it's frequently young or unsophisticated or just plain redundant. I also believe it's also important not to put restrictions on definitions of who we are, and to work to define ourselves as whole people outside of a survey check-box.

There's my rant for the day.

Oh, and not feeling so great about having the Marines in the Philippines get fired upon yesterday. Not that I care for the Marines, but I worry that our war-loving prez is going to get all gung-ho in the region and try to re-establish a solid American military presence in the Philippines. They've been through that before and don't need it any more, thank you very much.

I did speak briefly with a friend in Davao today. He said there was nothing to worry about in the city itself and was looking forward to my arrival. He also felt that 4 1/2 weeks was too short a visit...

Report from the Lesbian/Gay Film Festival for today:

Did see "American Mullet" this afternoon. Just hilarious. It was quite long, since the makers were committed to exploring the full world of mullets, so they travelled all over and got a wide variety of mullets represented. One of my favorite women in it had quite a philosophical take on her mullet, seeing it as emblematic of her drive to escape gender boundaries, being as the mullet is a hairstyle that is worn by both men and women. Also, she pointed out that the mullet is popular among lesbians and among poor straight white men. Poor straight white men who would never hang out with lesbians, and lesbians would never hang out with them. But the mullet is something that they share. The audience applauded her. I just loved that.

Tonight saw the first feature-length lesbian film to come out of China, "Fish & Elephant." Quite an amazing feat, really, to get that piece made. Ran into a lot of friends at the screening that I haven't seen for a long time, including Koko, the crowd favorite in Ming & my last documentary. She's now out to her whole family and going to have a commitment ceremony to her girlfriend in September...and the whole family is coming! It's just amazing. In the Cianna-adds-a-new-project-to-her-plate category, I told her that I absolutely wanted to do a follow-up to our doc, and do a short piece on them getting ready for the wedding etc. A what-happened-to-Koko-after-our-doc kind of thing. She agreed. So I guess I have something else to shoot now.

For those of you who haven't been around my ramblings in the last couple of months, I'll fill you in on the rest of my projects as I go along. I believe that if I break the list to you slowly, it's more believable. And maybe you may be more likely to think of me as creative instead of just scattered.

Oh, key information that I neglected to put into my previous posts: I'm leaving for the Philippines on July 2, and will be there until August 5. My aunt left for there tonight, and my parents will be leaving in a week. We're in rotation. It's a little different from a coordinated family vacation, and was the best we could do on our schedules.

Time to curl up now and watch the US/Mexico game.

The FBI is not being all that helpful in the Philippines right now. Word is, some agents sprung a wanted man, an American "treasure hunter" named Michael Meiring, from a Davao hospital last month. It's news now because a new arrest warrant was released yesterday for him, charging him with illegal possession of explosives related to an explosion in Davao on May 16. We're so helpful!! If I were FBI I'd watch out, though. Mayor Duterte (who acts like he's playing a lead role in a Clint Eastwood film and rides around on a Harley) is pissed and "threatened to arrest US agents who operate in the city without any coordination." This man is serious. He basically dealt with a raging drug problem in his city by making it ok to find drug dealers dead. No messing around with Duterte.

I am happy to hear that the US troops are doing some good on Basilan, however. They've been building roads and helping secure clean water supplies to the towns in the area (by digging wells, etc.). The moslem area has been passed over in favor of Catholic (and historically more stable) areas in the south. Now they're getting a little bit of attention. The military tactic is to reduce the susceptibility of the locals to insurgency talk, and to increase the legitimacy of the Philippine goverment in their eyes. We'll see if the government keeps it up when the GIs pull out, but for now I'm all for getting some kids clean water and food. If only it didn't feel so temporary I might feel better... Of course, this story *did* appear in the New York Times.

In lighter news, I'm excited that I get to meet and interview the director of "American Mullet" on Monday. She not only films the mullet life, she has been wearing one for years. I'm going to have to restrain myself from asking her if I can touch it...

Thanks to all for the great feedback on this already. Thanks also, T., for the marriage proposal. Unexpected reaction to my starting a blog, but it was sweet.

why journal?


The most justifiable reason is to allay the fears of my friends who question the wisdom of my upcoming trip. I will be spending 5 weeks in the Southern Philippines. Reports from there are conflicting: today a local paper said 50,000 recruits were being trained by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (usually fighting the government in a land war -- think "West Bank"), another that the MILF says they want to join the fight with the government against the Abu Sayyaf (linked to the Al Quaeda), rumors that more kidnappers were taken by Abu Sayyaf as they retreated, the Philippine government says all this is not true. The U.S. is sending 1,000 more of our own troops over there anyway just for fun. And little of this is in the U.S. papers. The U.S. State Department has not yet raised the level to a "travel advisory," leaving it as a "public announcement" for the old RP right now. Am I dumb, too trusting, heretofore amazingly lucky, an unreasonable risk taker, or simply trying to live life and deal with it as it comes?

Regardless, my posts here next month will demonstrate that I'm still alive and able to type.

My friends there tell me that everything is actually fine, and they're looking forward to my visit. It's been 4 years. I plan mostly to dance, shoot video, eat, and see how much my grandmother remembers. And the Philippines are always turbulent and beautiful anyway.

tonight I start a blog in response to a request from a bassist who periodically and unpredictably appears in my world. Tonight an evening of connections, I thought it worth a try. Connections? I gave a standing ovation tonight -- an infrequent event -- to a queer hapa sister who did not get up there and preach sing-song melodrama, but went for the throat and we, the audience, choked out laughs in response. I was weak after... my hands shaking. I have to say thank you. I know the risks are great, that there's some kind of insider-ness that is being exploited -- to make points about exploitation -- and I'm all for it.

I would never have dressed up as Fu Manchu to MC a tribute to Asians In Space all those many years ago if I didn't believe it was both necessary and utterly ridiculous. And damned funny.

This is your task before Sunday. See Chink-O-Rama. The name should be enough of a filter for those of you who don't know why I'd tell you to go.

and so a new phase is begun in my digital life...