idiot synchronous crazy

Bert's tagged me for my idiosyncrasies. This is a conversation that started after I was talking about a couple I know who revel in each others little quirks. It's interesting to think about the quirks you have that you don't really notice (because they're yours). Probably I wouldn't come up with the same list as anyone who dated me or lived with me. But, I was tagged, so here are the ones I can identify:

• My aversion to mayonnaise is just not normal. Especially considering that I'll eat just about anything else.
  
• Similar to Bert about keys... I usually hold my keys in my hand when closing the door to my house or car (even if I checked it a couple times on the way down the stairs) or at least I'll touch them or pat them as I close the door.
  
• When it rains, I crave ice cream.
  
• I'm afraid of jumping. Even if I'm only standing on a log and need to jump off it. Like a foot high or so. I'll do it, but my heart will pound. Climbing a 300 ft. wall is not a problem. Just the jumping.
  
• There are certain things that I feel can only be written down on paper with a pen. I've tried to switch to a computer, but it just keeps me from thinking.
  
• I prefer to eat food either with my fingers or with a spoon out of a bowl. I'll use a fork or chopsticks, but it's sometimes not as satisfying.
  
• Sometimes I just dance around by myself.
  
• I don't like to write with blue ink.
  
• I wash my hands a lot, particularly when I'm cooking. But it's not a germ thing. I just don't like the feeling of having gook on my hands.
  
• If I like a restaurant, I try to taste everything on the menu (unless something has mayonnaise... heh). I also tend to order combo plates.
  
• I like to practice eating and writing with my left hand. I've experimented with writing with my foot. I practice finding my way around with my eyes closed. Apparently I'm preparing for some major physical injury...
  
• When I'm by myself and thinking through things, sometimes I emphasize a decision or a realization by saying the last part out loud. Usually twice. (Not sure I should admit this)
  

I tag Koji for his idiosyncrasies. I know he's got 'em.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid"

Today: Sentences you don't hear/say everyday... but I do.

"I can't find the positive side of apartheid."
"She was just calling to verify my mathematical model."
"Try seven days. There should be thousands dead at that point."
"Thing is, I have to figure out this terrorist plan by Monday."
"The poor macrophage is just implicated in all our scenarios."
"So how many people could you infect on the Tube?"
"I know. It's just walking that line between really scaring people and making sure it's actually accurate."

Really. I'm a nice person who is a pacifist. But I work in documentaries and these conversations are my life.

godwottery

From: A Word A Day
godwottery (god-WOT-uhr-ee) noun
1. Gardening marked by an affected and elaborate style.
2. Affected use of archaic language.
[From the line "A garden is a lovesome thing, God wot!" in a poem by Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897).]

I confess that I may sometimes be accused of godwottery... I happen to love archaic language. I revel in the specificity of certain words and in outdated (or no-longer-applicable) connotations. I very much enjoy learning words which were created for a specific purpose, to connotate a state or a thing that might otherwise have been overlooked or forgotten -- particularly, of course, if it also could suggest a particular feeling or moment in time. (More on the word "cenotaph" later...)

Sometimes the language that I love and use is not actually archaic, simply falling out of favor or fashion. I feel that I have a certain responsibility both to use the extensive vocabulary I inherited (and, admittedly, cultivated) and am also sad to watch words fall into some forgotten abyss. We have a living language, and part of life is death, but I grow so attached to some words...and even more attached to concepts which reflect a certain time or place.

English is fascinating for its breadth and flexibility. I enjoy the random and unexpected results when things grow wild. This is not to say there's anything wrong with a godwottery garden, just think of it when you next see an abundance of topiary and gnomes.

Choosing the Bay Area

...yeah... this is a pretty great place. I should be here.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

I know that I'm generally considered to be a good person to call for advice, someone who can help sort out issues, someone who has the occasional insight. I am, however, unable to call myself or to have insights about my own situation. OK, I know that's overstating it, but what logical insights I do have are fighting with the unreasonable desire to figure out that one thing that makes everything make sense so I can stop having this thought treadmill constantly running in my brain. It's just not that simple. And the world would be boring if it were.

I feel a bit as if I've just graduated from some kind of relationship school and am engrossed in classic post-college activities such as trying to (re)define myself, asking what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and crashing on people's couches/beds. Strange to do this so late in life, but my life is in constant renewal so who's to say what's late?

In the meanwhile, I am supremely grateful to my many wise and giving friends (including relatives who are also friends) who are willing to help me and who provide additional insights/reinforcements/reassurances. Some of the key ones that I need to keep in mind:

You don't need to figure out the rest of your life, you only need to figure out the next 6 months or a year.
Good point. Since when has anyone been able to truly predict what was going to happen for the rest of their lives? Since when have I even wanted to?

Wherever you decide to live it's not going backwards.
I have an unhealthy obsession with never feeling like I'm going backwards. Perhaps the unhealthy part is that I merge it with the feeling of staying still. This at the same time that I'd like to be a little bit more stable and coming off some serious nesting feelings is crazy-making. Location is important, but I decide what to make of that location.

If you've lived in many places and then recognize that one place was a great place, then returning there is a good thing.
Duh. Why is this so hard for me to keep in mind?

It's ok to take a little time for myself.
Yup. This is probably the hardest one for me to relax into... and the most important. Truth is, it's important no matter what's going on and that's probably the biggest lesson right now.

universal answer: the military can do that!

I'm disturbed by our dear President's desire to mobilize the military in case of an outbreak of the bird flu in the U.S. Beyond the fact that it does feel like he's asking for the power to call for martial law, beyond the reality that the military is stretched far beyond its resources both in people and money, and beyond the scariness of having a gun-loving bully in the most powerful political position on the planet, using the military to enforce a quarantine simply would not work. The truth of the flu is that a quarantine is ineffective because you're infectious to others before you realize you're sick. Basic epidemiology tells us that the focus should not be on quarantine or isolation, but should be on putting resources into developing a vaccine and in manufacturing more antivirals. Right now, my friends, the U.S. possesses enough to protect less than 1% of the population for the duration of a flu season. Just which 1% do you think will be chosen? I know you may have already done this, but perhaps it's time to encourage everyone to write to congress and stop just being outraged on the sidelines...

thinking... thinking...

Another little gap in time... Now I'm in Oakland after a couple weeks in San Diego. I've decided it's time for a self-transformation. This starts with trying to figure out where I want to be for the next 6 months or one year. I was hung up on trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life but that was stressing me out and my brother pointed out (wisely) that it was also unnecessary at this stage. So here I am now with a shorter time-frame and still no answers, but it feels more do-able. I'll add more later, but that's the start. Along with going to the gym again, planning on dancing again, and doing more things to make myself feel better. Spent the weekend up in Auburn with friends which was fabulous, but a bit odd since I was the only single person. These are also the folks I said a teary good-bye to only 2 months ago. It's been a long (albeit, in fact, short) weird time. Time to start writing again and doing more stuff where I actually prioritize myself. That's the first big part of the change.